I Love You, My Neighbour: Chapter 17
He's just a friend
Kristy
Thank goodness I have Saturdays off at the moment. Even though I'm getting up early to help Logan with his move, I'll still be able to sleep in tomorrow morning longer than if I were working at the café. The clock on my car dashboard reads ten minutes past midnight. I'm exhausted, and I can't stop yawning, but tonight was...
Awesome.
There's no other word I can use to describe it. I can't remember the last time I've had such a great conversation with anyone. Logan and I could have finished all the packing much faster if we stopped talking and just got on with it, but both of us were enjoying ourselves so much that we’d been in no rush to finish. Logan opened up to me, and I opened up to him. We spent the entire night having deep and meaningful conversations that just made me like him even more.
I know I'm getting too emotionally invested, but it's becoming harder and harder to keep my feelings in check.
For instance, when he opened the door to me this evening wearing nothing but ripped jeans, his hair still wet from the shower, and stubble dotting his jaw, my heart raced uncontrollably. An insatiable need pulsed low in my belly, begging for satisfaction. I've seen him without his shirt on numerous times since he started working on his house. I should be used to seeing him shirtless by now. Yet, it's becoming increasingly difficult to pretend I'm not completely attracted to him.
Fortunately, Logan didn’t seem to notice my inability to stop staring at him. Or perhaps he did, and that's why he went to put on a t-shirt. No, he would have put on a shirt anyway. He hasn't said anything or called me out for ogling him and making him uncomfortable, so I have to trust that he has no idea I can hardly keep my eyes off him. I must try harder to avert my gaze, or he will eventually catch me.
I can't afford to dwell on the fact that I like him a little more every time we hang out together. Logan is off-limits to me in every way. Not only is he my neighbour and way out of my league, but he's still in love with Izzy. Love in the deep, committed, soulmate sense that I can only hope to experience one day. Falling for a man who is unavailable in every way would be incredibly foolish. And even though I might not be as smart as Jess or my parents, I'm not foolish. If I let myself love him, Logan will break my heart.
So, no matter how much I like Logan or enjoy talking to him, no matter how attracted I am to him or how safe I feel sharing my secrets without fear of judgment—I have to remember that we're just friends. We will only ever be friends.
I jump when I hear my phone ringing. Thinking it must be Logan since I just left him, I quickly pick it up.
"Hello."
"Kristy!" Jess squeals. "Hey girl, I'm sorry for the late-night call, but I wanted to talk to you. I miss you."
The first thing I feel as I hear my best friend's voice is guilt. While she's been missing me, I've been pouring out my secrets to my neighbour, revealing the green-eyed monster I try to keep hidden whenever Jess is around.
"Jess, hey. You do realize it's past midnight here, right?" I ask.
Missing me or not, she always calls on Tuesday nights. In the entire time she's been away, she's only ever called me every Tuesday at 7:30 PM. By that time, I've usually finished eating, and it's 9:30 AM her time, so she hasn't gone to work yet.
"I know, I know. I just...wanted to talk to you."
My friend sounds incredibly excited.
"You sound super excited. What's going on? Hang on; I'm just going to put my earpiece in. I'm driving, and I don't want to get pulled over."
"Where are you driving to at this late hour, K?"
"I'm driving home," I say once I've put my earpiece in. "I'm about fifteen minutes away."
"I meant, where have you been?"
"Caranbie Heights."
"So mysterious tonight, aren't you? Why have you been out there, Kris-Kris?"
She hasn't called me Kris-Kris in years. If I didn't already know she was in a good mood, her playfulness would give it away. "I was helping someone pack some stuff."
Okay, yes, I'm being a little mysterious. Jess is my best friend, and I usually share everything with her, but I'm not ready to share the fact that I was helping Logan tonight.
Jess doesn't know much about my friendship with Logan. In the beginning, I told her how much of a pain our new neighbour was. But as things with him improved, I said less and less. And as my feelings started to transform from a simple attraction to... well, more, I haven't said anything at all.
The feelings I have for Logan are mine, and I want to keep them to myself. I'm embarrassed enough by the fact that I can't stop crushing on a guy who is still in love with his deceased fiancée. No one else needs to know that. Not even Jess.
"This person you've been helping wouldn't happen to be our new nuisance neighbour, would it?"
"Why would you think that?"
Jess squeals. "It so was, wasn't it? I knew you liked him!"
"What? Where did you come up with that idea?"
"It's in your voice every time you talk about him."
Damn it! I've never been able to keep a secret from my best friend, even when I try. She always seems to know when I like someone. She's had that intuition ever since we became friends. But I have no intention of admitting that she's right. She would want to know why I'm not doing anything about it, and I don't want to reveal Logan's secrets or tell Jess about Izzy. It's not my place.
Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could convey what Izzy means to Logan. Jess hasn't seen the way he chokes up whenever he talks about Izzy. She didn't see the photo of him and Izzy together that I saw tonight.
That photo nearly broke my heart. I've never seen Logan as happy as he was in that photo. I hate the fact that he'll probably never experience that kind of happiness again in this lifetime. He lost the love of his life. To find her so early and lose her soon after has destroyed his ability to love in that way again.
The thought makes my heart twist. I wish I could help him. I wish I could fix it. But that's impossible.
The only silver lining of the situation, if I can call it that, is that I won't be witnessing him fall in love with another woman anytime soon. His heart shattered with Izzy's death. He might start thinking about sex and "waking up from his coma" - there might even come a time when he sleeps with other women. But he won't fall in love with them. I'm sure of that.
"Kristy, you there?" Jess asks, bringing me back from my thoughts.
"Yes, now are you going to tell me why you really called?"
She giggles. "You mean the fact that I missed you wasn't enough reason?"
"Of course it is. But I don't believe that's the only reason you called me at this time of night. If I was in bed, I might have been a little annoyed that you called just because you missed me."
She sighs. "Okay, okay. I know it's late, and I would never have called you at this time any other day, but I couldn't wait to tell you. I've been calling the house phone for hours, but you weren't there. I figured you must be out, so I thought it would be okay to call."
"Of course. Now, for goodness' sake, don't keep me waiting any longer. Spill it."
"Alfie proposed!"
What the bleep? "Huh? To whom?"
"To me, you idiot."
Shock renders me speechless for a full five seconds. "But... but I didn't even know you guys were together."
"I know. I've been keeping it a secret because we're not supposed to be dating. You know, work policy and all that."
"But I don't care about your work policy. Obviously. What was I going to do? Call your manager and rat you out?"
I'm more than mildly annoyed and a little hurt that she kept it from me. Okay, I know it's a little hypocritical to expect her to share everything with me when I have my own secrets, but the difference is that Logan doesn't return my feelings. There's no reason to talk about how much I like him. I already knew Jess was into Alfredo because she told me. So why is this the first I'm hearing about them dating?
"I know, I'm sorry. It's just... Alfredo and I were just having fun, you know? Keeping it on the down low. It was supposed to be a quick fling that would end when I went home. But, Kristy, he fell in love with me. When he proposed tonight, it was the happiest moment of my life."
Isn't that what Logan had said about him and Izzy earlier tonight? That the night he proposed was the happiest night of his life? Now it sounds like Jess is experiencing something similar, and I'm so glad she called me to tell me the news. But I wish I could be there with her - to share her excitement firsthand - to buy her champagne and insist on being the head bridesmaid.
"Please tell me you're happy for me," Jess prompts.
"Of course, I'm thrilled for you," I assure her quickly. "It's just a bit of a shock, and I wish I were there to sip Dom Perignon with you and meet him."
I haven't even met the guy. What is he like? Is he nice? Is he superficial? Will he dismiss me like so many of Jess's ex-boyfriends have?
"Well, you'll be able to do that soon," Jess says. "He's coming back with me, K. You'll get to meet him. If he can get a job in Australia, he's going to move here. Isn't that awesome?"
"Yes," I agree.
It is. It's also... fast. I mean, they are moving really, really, really fast. They've known each other for less than three months, and now they're engaged.
A hundred questions rush through my head. Where will they hold the wedding? Where will they live if they stay here? Will Jess move to Italy permanently if Alfredo can't find a job in Australia? And if he does find a job here and they do stay, where will I live? I can't afford the rent on my own for a long period of time, and I don't want to cramp the style of a newly engaged couple. Who will I move in with? Naomi already has a housemate. Will I have to go back and live with my folks?
And of course, if I do move, I won't see as much of Logan as I do now. I see him every day at the moment, but that would change if I left.
Sadness engulfs me as soon as I think about it.
Misinterpreting my silence, Jess asks, "Hey, you don't have a problem with Alfie living with us while he looks for a job, right?"
"No, of course not. I was just trying to figure things out. You guys aren't going to want me cramping your style in the long term. I'll need to find somewhere else to live if Alfredo moves here. And of course, if he doesn't and you move back with him."
Jess laughs. "Don't get so far ahead of yourself. God, you're miles further ahead than me at the moment. This only happened today, and I haven't had time to ask myself all these questions yet."
"Right. Of course. I'm sorry. I'm so happy for you, really. It's just a lot to take in."
She called to share the most important moment of her life, and here I am weighing her down with practicalities.
"I know. And I wish I had more time to talk to you about it, but my lunch break is over and I have to go."
"I understand. Thanks for calling. Even if I had been asleep, I would have wanted to hear the news tonight."
"Hey, K?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't want you to worry about where you're going to live or anything like that. Things between Alfie and me are still new, and we want to get to know each other a lot better before we actually tie the knot. And that means I want him to get to know you better, too. You're the most important person in my life. You're family. It's important to me that he gets to know you like I know you."
I smile, even though she can't see me. Her words are so sweet, and they make me feel ten times worse for all the things I've said about her. She's lost her mother and father early, and she's like a sister to me. What right do I have to be jealous of her? She's suffered far more pain and hardship than I ever have.
"I love you, babe," I choke out.
Jess's voice sounds equally affected as she parrots back the endearment.
It then occurs to me that not once has Jess told me she loves Alfredo. Jess has never been in love with any man. And this is all happening so quickly. I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right.
Then again, I haven't told her I'm falling in love with Logan, have I? Whatever is happening between Alfredo and Jess, I'm not going to rain on her parade anymore tonight. She deserves better from me.
"I'm going to go. I'll call you on Tuesday," she says. "Unless, of course, you're too busy with our neighbour to talk to me."
"Ha-ha. He's just a friend."
"And Leonardo da Vinci was just a painter. You're going to catch me up on all the gossip when I get back there, understand?"
"There's nothing to tell, but yes, ma'am."
"And you know, I can't wait to meet him."
The thought of Jess and Logan meeting fills me with dread, but I force a smile, say goodbye, and get off the phone without giving anything away. I know my jealousy of her is unfair. And I know she'd never do anything deliberately to hurt me. She's happy and getting married, but I've never met a man who isn't charmed by my best friend. Even when she does nothing to encourage their admiration, and even when she's happy in a relationship with someone else, Marc and Shayne still found her irresistible.
Logan isn't my boyfriend. I know he's not looking for a girlfriend, but I can't help but wonder what he'll make of Jess. And if he's attracted to her the same way I'm attracted to him...well, I don't even want to think about the effect that will have on me.
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