I Love You, My Neighbour: Chapter 25
Burnt breakfast
Kristy
It's over.
Maybe if I repeat those words to myself often enough, I'll be ready when Logan walks into this kitchen and says them aloud.
Or not.
I slump against the kitchen bench, feeling sick. The smell of the greasy breakfast I'm cooking for Logan isn't helping either. I won't be able to eat a bit of it. Then again, I had no intention of eating it when I drove to the supermarket this morning to buy ingredients. No, my sole purpose has been to purchase something I could distract myself with. Unfortunately, standing in front of the stove flipping eggs and bacon does nothing to distract me from the conversation I know is coming.
I can't stomach what is about to happen. I'm not ready for this thing to be over between Logan and me. And no amount of repeating the words 'it's over' will make this any easier. It won't change the fact Logan will never kiss me, hold me, or make love to me ever again. All because I lost control of my emotions last night and revealed how I feel about him.
Nothing can erase my memory of the look of horror on his face as he caught a glimpse of my real feelings for him. And nothing can erase the pain that ripped through me as he held me last night and whispered Izzy’s name.
Over the past few days, I've stupidly started to convince myself that his feelings for me are starting to grow into something more than friendship. But he's never cared about me as anything more than his friend. If he had, he wouldn't be about to shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces. I mean, he's not even letting me into his bed. So why did I think I'm anything more to him than his friend? His fuck-buddy?
The only reason things have ever been as hot and intense as they have been between the two of us is because Logan has missed sex and I've been more than happy to help him catch up on lost time.
Cricket, who has been lying on the kitchen floor, next to my feet, sits up suddenly and I know that Logan is awake. My dog has followed me around all morning, resting his head on my lap whenever I'm sitting down and in general lending me some needed comfort.
Things have certainly changed between Cricket and me, and I lap up all of his affectionate gestures.
“You’re up early.”
Just the sound of Logan’s voice sends a delicious warmth up my spine – a warmth that I have no right to feel considering he is about to end our stint as lovers without a backwards glance.
I turn around to see Logan standing in the doorway, my gaze glued to his half-naked body, sculpted chest, and arms for a moment before I get a hold of myself and force my eyes upwards. I see the dread on his face and decide his expression mirrors my own.
“Morning,” I say, pasting a fake smile on my face – something that I hope will stop him from seeing how much pain this whole situation is causing me.
I am certain he doesn’t quite know how deep my feelings for him have spiraled in the past couple of weeks, and I am certain he doesn’t know that I am head over heels in love with him. But he knows enough to make this whole conversation terribly uncomfortable for both of us.
I don’t think I’ve ever dreaded anything as much as I dread the upcoming conversation. I’ve hoped that this inevitable conclusion to our arrangement would come later rather than sooner – or at least when I am ready to move away and I wouldn’t have to see him all the time.
“Did you sleep well?” I ask.
“Ah,” he scratches his head and leans against the door frame. “Not really. Did I disturb you? Have you been up for long?”
“I decided to go to the shops early this morning so I could get something for breakfast. I think you might want something greasy for your hangover.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
Great, now he is feeling guilty over the fact I’ve cooked him breakfast.
I turn off the gas and put the spatula I’ve been holding down. “I know I don’t have to, but we need to talk anyway, and I think, why not do it on a full stomach? It’s ready, by the way. I managed to burn both the eggs and the bacon, but hopefully, it’ll still taste okay.”
“You only burn things when you’re tired,” he says, walking towards me slowly, the concern in his grey eyes making my chest thump painfully. “You don’t sleep well, do you?”
Turning back to the stove, I pick up the spatula again, plate his food, and turn to give him his breakfast. “It wasn’t the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had,” I admit.
His face is full of apology, and he reaches out to touch me, but I move away quickly, walking towards the breakfast table and taking a seat there. I can’t handle him apologizing or physically trying to comfort me right now. I’ve told myself I wasn’t going to let him see how truly devastated I am by the end of our friends-with-benefits arrangement.
After all, he’d made it clear from the start what he wants – or rather, what he doesn’t want.
“Kristy…”
“Sit down. Eat,” I command, motioning to the seat opposite me.
I force myself to smile once more. Like a Band-Aid, rip it off. That is the expression. But I can’t bear to hear him utter the words I know he is so desperate to say. Not yet.
Reluctantly, he sits down opposite me.
“Aren’t you going to eat with me?” he asks, his gaze flickering down to the empty place in front of me where a plate should be.
“I’m not hungry,” I tell him. “I’ll get something to eat later.”
“Kristy-”
I hold up a hand, stopping him yet again.
“So, I’ve been thinking,” I start. “Jess comes back from Italy on Monday. And when she gets back, I'll be busy catching up with her, among other things.”
It's a flimsy out for both of us, but it's the best I can come up with under these circumstances.
“Anyway,” I continue, refusing to pull my gaze away from his clouded grey eyes. “I’m sure you'll be busy with your students while school is winding down. And I’m sure you won't want to stay here while Jess is around. You know, because we’ve been keeping things on the down-low. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe we should…maybe we should cool it for a while?”
“Cool it for a while?” he finishes for me.
I nod, grateful he’d finished the sentence for me. It's getting harder and harder for me to talk with the giant ball of emotion clogging my throat.
He has to know that this isn't what I want. Not by a long shot. But pretending that this is what I want makes this easier on me. And judging by the look of relief on Logan’s face – a look that twists the knife into my heart that little bit further – it's easier for Logan, too.
“I guess that might be for the best,” he says, his eyes never leaving mine.
His easy agreement crushes my heart into a crumpled mess. I expected no less than that from him, but I just wish…well, I wish that ending this thing with me at least fills him with a little bit of sorrow.
I know he doesn't want anything more than friendship and sex with me, but isn't he sorry to see the end of us at all? After all, I didn't beg him to come over last night. When he told me he was going to spend the night playing poker with the guys, I was afraid I'd miss him, and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to go to sleep without him, but I wasn't the one who woke him up in the middle of the night because I couldn’t sleep.
“We’re still friends though, right?” he asks.
The sincerity and concern in his voice shoot through me.
“Of course,” I force out. “Why wouldn’t we be?”
His eyes are full of sympathy as he looks at me. “You know why,” he says softly.
God, did he really just bring up my feelings for him? I took control of this conversation so he wouldn’t do that. Even if this entire conversation is because of my feelings, I don’t want to talk about them.
And even if I'm willing to keep up the pretence of ending this amicably and remaining friends, I can’t pretend these last two weeks never happened.
This thing with Logan and me isn't like the other break-ups I’ve had. Heck, this isn't a break-up at all. Logan and I have never been in a relationship, and he’s always been honest about what this is for him – what he is and isn't willing to give me. So he hasn't lost my respect or anything else that might make it easier to walk away from him. However, I won't find it easy to spend time in his presence when my heart hurts and the desire to reach out for him, touch him, and be with him is stronger than it has ever been. Spending time with him now would border on masochistic.
“We’re friends,” I tell him as firmly as I can. “That stays. I’m thinking about making a trip to the mall to look for a welcome back present for Jess, so I might skip spending the day with you and the guys.”
He puts his fork down, even though he hasn't started eating yet. “The guys are expecting you today. My house is finished in part thanks to you. You’ve been part of this journey like we all have. You have to celebrate with us.”
Thanks, but I don’t really feel like celebrating. Yes, Logan’s house is nearly finished – a journey that is as over as our reign as lovers. How appropriate that our non-relationship is ending just as the work on his house is.
“I’ll still bring over the celebration cake I promised everyone tonight if that’s okay. I don’t want to disappoint the guys.”
“Kristy, I want you there. The guys want you there. Do you really need to spend the entire day out shopping?”
My heart twists again. He wants me there, but only as his friend, and maybe in part because his friends would think it's strange if I'm not.
Which brings up another heartbreaking fact. I won't get to see Adam, Kyle, and Jamie much anymore. Over the past couple of months, they’ve become my friends, but I can’t spend time with them without spending time with Logan. That would be too weird. For them and for me.
“As I said, I’ll come over around dinner time with some food,” I tell him. “So, what do you think you’ll do with your time now you’re pretty much done with your place?”
“Actually, the guys and I were talking about that last night. We’ve all noticed there’s some work to do around your place. The yard could do with a tidy up and-”
“It’s a rental, Logan.”
“I know that. I just figured your real estate agent probably conducts house inspections like mine used to. You should let us help you get ready for the next inspection.”
His gaze is pleading like he really wants to do this for me. He's trying so hard to be a good friend. Unfortunately, it only makes me feel worse than I already do. Maybe he’d feel better knowing I'm leaving – that he doesn’t have to try this hard for too much longer.
“Actually, we're coming up to the end of our lease here,” I say.
Logan pins me in place with his stare. “You're going to renew the lease though.”
It's not a question.
“Actually…” I look down at the table in front of me, suddenly wishing I've brought food over with me so I could occupy my fingers with something. “I told you that Jess has met someone and she's engaged now. It would make sense for her to find a new place with her fiancé. And this place is too big for just me. I can’t afford the rent on my own. I mean, I could manage, but I wouldn’t be able to save much.”
Shock registers on his features. “You're moving away?”
“Nothing is set in concrete yet. But it seems likely. I’ll probably need to spend some time scouting out a place I can afford and probably a new housemate too. So, I'll probably tell the guys tonight that I won't be around too much on the weekends in the foreseeable future.”
It's a great excuse. And it's not just an excuse. It's the truth. Sort of. Maybe I don’t need to look for another place to live just yet, but I could start keeping an eye out for something. And since I've taken tomorrow off, I could start then.
My first Sunday off. I originally took the day so I could spend more time with Logan and clean thoroughly before Jess comes home. Logan doesn't know. I've planned on surprising him with morning nookie when I originally asked for the time off. Instead, I'll probably spend the day trying not to dwell on everything that sucks about my life and scoping out the current rental market.
“Right,” Logan says, the shock still clear on his face. “This goes without saying, obviously, but if you get stuck, you can come and stay with me for as long as you need.”
The short, sharp laugh that tears out of me makes Logan flinch.
“I’m sorry, Logan. It’s just that these past two weeks, you've spent every night at my house. You've never once invited me into your bed or to your house unless it’s to help you do something.”
Guilt and remorse swim in his grey gaze, but he doesn't have anything to feel guilty for. We've been screwing each other’s brains out. In his mind, that sort of thing doesn't belong in his bed.
I give him a small smile, trying to make sure he knows I understand, even if I'm hurt by it.
“Besides,” I say. “You're no longer abstinent. It might be a little awkward for us both when you start bringing other women home.”
I can’t handle seeing him with someone else. I can’t even handle thinking about him with someone else.
“I wouldn't do that.”
“So you'd go to their place instead, and I'd be up thinking about what you are doing, and... and I just can't do that, Logan.”
“I won't be going home with anyone else, Kristy.”
I shake my head. Why wouldn't he want to sleep with someone else now? He clearly enjoys sex, and it's hard to imagine that after rediscovering his enjoyment of all carnal activities, he'd happily go back to abstaining. The only reason he's ending our arrangement is because I think of him as more than a friend – something he didn't expect or want. There's nothing to stop him from going out and starting an arrangement with someone new.
“Kristy, I promise I-”
“Logan, stop. Okay. You don’t need to promise me anything. And you don’t need to try so hard to make up for…well, for anything. I've had a good time these past two weeks. A great time, in fact. Yes, I have feelings for you, but again, that’s not your fault. And as sweet as your offer is to stay with you if I get stuck, I could never take you up on it. Not when I…I care about you as much as I do.”
I nearly blurt out the word love a second ago. Fortunately, I stop myself just in time. There's just no point in putting one more word out there that could make this conversation more awkward than it already is.
He shakes his head, misery etched into his face, his eyes full of remorse. “If I hadn't suggested this whole friends-with-benefits thing, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. You might not be moving.”
I sigh before admitting, “I had feelings for you even before we started sleeping together; it was just easier to hide them back then. You don’t need to beat yourself up for suggesting something we both wanted.”
He stares at me then, really stares at me. “I didn't know you had feelings for me before we started sleeping together.”
“That’s because I didn't tell you. See? None of this is your fault, Logan.” I push my chair back and stand up, unable to sit there and watch Logan try to make sense of everything. There's nothing to make sense of. Feelings are feelings. My feelings just happen to be a horrible reality for him.
Make that for both of us.
“Who would have thought that we’d be having this conversation, huh?” I ask with a small, twisted smile as I stand there. “Back when you started working on your place, we couldn't stand each other.”
“Yeah,” he says, sounding every bit as miserable as I feel.
“Anyway, I think I’ll go up and have a shower. I want to shop for a few hours before I come home and start baking. Enjoy breakfast, and I'll see you later when I come over with the food.”
In other words, please don’t be here when I get out of the shower because I have every intention of letting go of the tears I've been holding onto all morning. I don’t need him here to witness my red-rimmed eyes when I finally emerge. No thank you very much.
Poor baby