✯Ryan✯
It’s Westlaker who looks up first, and I take a small amount of satisfaction in the fact that the man doesn’t look happy to see me. I will tolerate his presence for Mac’s sake, but I don’t have to like him. I will never like him – not when he hurt Mac the way he did. Not when he has Mac’s love now, and that’s the last thing he deserves.
“Moore,” Danny says tightly.
“Westlaker,” I grit my teeth.
Since our first meeting outside of Blainesworth’s office, there hasn't been a friendly word uttered between us. The rest of the cast accepted the other actor’s brief role on the show. Well, they did once Mac explained she was just doing it to get Blainesworth off her case. None of them were happy about it, but they’re still on better terms with Westlaker than I am.
“Mac,” I say gently.
“I have to head back to the studio,” Westlaker announces.
“I should head back too,” Mac says quickly. “Sorry we can’t stay.”
I touch her wrist. “You can’t sit and talk to me for five minutes?”
“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Westlaker says to Mac, pushing his chair back.
Becca comes over with my coffee just as Westlaker walks away.
“Refill, Mac?” Becca asks.
Mac smiles politely at the waitress. “I’m fine.”
In other words, she can’t wait to get out of here as soon as possible – can’t wait to get back to Westlaker. Mac moves, and I catch a whiff of her strawberry shampoo. Desire hits me like a ton of bricks. The urge to pull her into my arms is overwhelming, but she’s made it clear she doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me anymore. Which is why I am sitting here, I remind myself. I have to find out why and what I’ve done.
“What’s going on, Mac?” I ask her as soon as Becca walks away.
“What do you mean?” she responds, not quite meeting my eyes.
“Come on, Mac. Are you really going to pretend you don’t know what I’m asking? You won’t look at me. You won’t talk to me unless we’re on set and have a scene together. I know you’re still hung up on Westlaker, and sure, I don’t approve. I think the guy is a fucking moron, and if he hurts you again, I’ll beat the shit out of him. But I never wanted to stop being friends because of it. Our friendship meant something to me. I thought it meant something to you too.”
❤️Mac❤️
I can’t help but be moved by what I see in Ryan’s eyes. He’s glaring at me, but I can see the hurt under the surface. I never meant to cause him any pain – never set out to upset him like this, but I obviously have. I’ve been so busy trying to protect my heart and get over him that I’ve avoided his every attempt to talk to me about anything other than work for the past three weeks.
Ryan believes I still have feelings for Danny, and I have purposefully let him think that way. My feelings for Danny are purely platonic. I hadn’t even planned to have coffee with him today. I was complaining about being tired and needing caffeine, and he told me he was swinging by the café. Never in a million years did I think I’d bump into Ryan here.
“I know that headline freaked you out, and you didn’t want Blainesworth to think there was anything between us, but our producer hasn’t given us a second thought since you agreed to work with Westlaker,” he says.
He sounds so confused, and I feel guilt claw through me. I should have seen this confrontation coming, but I hadn’t. I’ve put all of my energy into making it through each day without falling apart... and I’d succeeded. I’m nailing my scenes. I’m not letting my feelings for Ryan get in the way of doing my job. All I want is to be the professional that I failed to be on Junction Hospital. But at what cost?
I’m head over heels in love with Ryan. Even though I’m hurt by the fact that he will never love me the same way, I never wanted him to feel as if I don’t care about him. Of course, I knew that initially, he wouldn’t like the distance I was putting between us, but I assumed he would get over it, get over our sudden lack of friendship, move on and start dating again.
Now, I realize how stupid it was to think that Ryan wouldn’t say anything about the way I’ve been acting. He’s never going to let our friendship go without good reason. Keeping my pride and dignity is important to me, but I can’t make him believe that our friendship means nothing to me – that I don’t care about him anymore. I need to tell him the truth.
That should send him running for the hills. Once things become clear to him, he will let me go and keep his distance. No matter how much he cares for me in the end, he won’t let himself get involved when I want more than something casual from him.
Ryan is bound to be disappointed our friendship will have to take a back seat, and embarrassed that I’ve made such an epic mistake, twice in a row – especially when he hasn’t led me on! No matter how painful it is, I just need him to see that some distance and time will help me get over him. I am sure he will be more than happy to oblige.
“I don’t want to do this here,” I tell him quietly.
“We’re not going anywhere until you tell me why we’re not friends anymore.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me,” I stand up.
“Funny, I’ve never had a woman use that line on me before. I hate it even more than I thought I would.”
I walk up to the counter, knowing Ryan will follow me. I pay for my coffee and Danny’s, since he bought mine last time, and walk out the door of the café. Ryan will catch up with me easily, just as soon as he pays for his coffee – a coffee he barely even started drinking. I feel even more guilt at the thought, but I had to get out of there.
It’s one thing to throw away my pride and tell a man I’m in love with him, knowing he doesn’t feel the same way. It’s quite another to sit opposite him, look him in the eye, and watch understanding dawn, followed by pity and disappointment. So, I will do it on the run. If that makes me a coward, so be it. Surely, I am allowed this one small grace under the circumstances.
It doesn’t take long for Ryan to catch up with me as I stride purposefully towards the studio. I notice he’s transferred his coffee to a takeaway cup.
“Start talking,” he says.
“The headline,” I say, quickening my pace. “Three weeks ago, you asked me if I was…losing sight of anything. Do you remember?”
“Yeah, I remember,” he says tightly. “You said you weren’t.”
I lick my lips that suddenly feel too dry and put up a hand to shield my eyes from the midday sun.
“I know that’s what I said, but I…I lied.”
I swallow, my heart ramming against my rib cage. I have to do this before I lose my nerve.
“Well, I mean, I didn’t technically lie. I hadn’t actually lost sight of anything, but I knew you were asking if I was falling for you.”
“So, you did lie? Or you didn’t lie? I’m confused, Mac.”
Dammit, my nerves are completely taking over now. My heart is beating so fast that I can barely hear the busy traffic over the sound of the blood rushing in my ears. This seemed like a good idea a few minutes ago, but now I can’t be so sure.
He stops walking and reaches out to pull me to a stop beside him. Aware that it is the middle of the day and curious people once again surround us, I discreetly pull my arm free as best as I can.
“Are you going to answer me?”
I may not want to go through with this, but I don’t have a choice now. I’ve set the ball in motion and there is no going back. Just do it, Mac! Stop being a giant wuss. Like a band-aid. Tear it right off.
I allow myself to meet his eyes properly for the first time since he walked into The Red Jacket. “I lied.”
“Are you saying-”
“I was falling for you.” I am in love with you. Hopelessly, desperately in love with you.
This time, Ryan doesn’t stop me as I walk away from him. The studio is only another minute away, but this has been the longest five-minute walk of my life, and I am more than ready for it to be over.
At least now it’s done. The worst is over. Now we can both move on and past this, and he will leave me alone. Finally.
✯Ryan✯
I force myself to keep moving along with her. The sooner we’re inside the studio where we can talk freely, the better. So, my three weeks from hell have been all because my co-star loves me?
My first instinct is to deny that it's true, but why would she lie? It's taken me three long weeks to get the truth out of her, but I finally have. Three long weeks during which I was all twisted up in knots about how I couldn't be with her. From the moment the headline broke, she had "don't touch me" written all over her face.
"Working with Danny will get Blainesworth off my back. That's all I care about."
Her desire to work with Westlaker wasn’t because she has feelings for her ex-boyfriend. It's because she has feelings for me. Mac was so afraid, so terrified of anyone knowing the truth, so scared of losing her job, that she led me to believe she has feelings for her ex. Despite the fact that I understand why she kept it from everyone else, I can't help but feel hurt that she kept it from me.
Surely, she knows just how much I care about her. More importantly, we’re friends. Good friends. But she’d lied to me. Big time. Or at least mislead me on purpose. And if I hadn't cornered her today, I still wouldn't be any the wiser. Mac would still be ignoring me to the ends of time while I floated around miserably, wishing we could be together.
I am suitably pissed off by the time we reach the studio. If Mac had actually told me this three weeks ago, it would have saved us both some heartache. Still, I'm not letting her go now. I am not going to waste another day wishing we can be together when we are finally on the same page.
“Dressing room,” I say, once we walk through the studio doors.
“They'll need me in makeup any minute.”
“Then we'll be quick.”
She tries to stop, but I keep my hand around her arm and pull her along.
“Ryan,” she whispers desperately, as the people inside the studio shoot us curious glances.
Now I stop. “We can do this here if you want…”
Mac purses her lips together and shakes her head as she takes in the look on my face.
“I didn't think so. Your dressing room or mine?”
“Mine, though I don't understand what we could still have to talk about.”
“Plenty.”
We reach her dressing room not a moment too soon. She opens the door and I quickly follow her in, locking it behind us.
“Where's Jazz?” I ask her.
“I don't know. She could be back any second. We should do this another time.”
Clearly, she hopes I will let her off the hook and forget about this whole thing. Not likely.
“You should have told me the truth when I asked you.”
“Why?”
“Why?” I repeat. “Because we're supposed to be friends. Because I care about you. Because I've been in hell for the past three weeks. Because instead of spending the last three weeks avoiding me, you could have spent it with me.”
She shakes her head. “All you want is something casual. I can't do that, Ryan. I can't be with you, knowing that our time will be up in three months or less. That would break me – watching you walk away from me and into the arms of another woman. I know I wouldn't be able to take it.”
“I don't want casual, Mac.”
“You don’t?” she asks in disbelief.
“I don’t,” I say.
She has every right to be dubious. As much as I want her, want whatever it is we can give to each other, I am suddenly uncertain about my next step here. She has more to lose than I do. We will be putting her job at risk. I already told her I would walk out of my job if it ever came down to it, and I never meant anything less, but I know it doesn’t take away her fear.
This isn’t my choice to make. It is hers. All I can do is be honest with her about what I feel.
“Listen, I know the past three weeks have been hard on you,” she says. “And I’m sorry for hurting you, but I think we need to continue putting some distance between us so I can get a handle on what I feel.”
“So you can get over me?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want you to get over me,” I say. “I want us to be together. I want to see where this goes, but you have more here to lose than I do. I know that. It has to be your choice, but I want to be with you, Mackenzie.”
“But you don’t do permanent. You’ve told me that so many times. And you don’t lead girls on. I don’t understand this sudden change.”
“You’re right, I’ve never done permanent.”
Over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. The marriages that don’t end in divorce aren’t always happy ones. In our profession, we face a lot of temptation. I work in a job where I regularly make out with some of the most beautiful women in the country. Anyone who is remotely insecure or jealous will not be able to handle it.
Despite all these valid reasons, something else has always factored into my decision to stay single. I don’t need Vanessa, the psychologist-in-training, to tell me why. I am not an idiot. No one suffers through the kind of abuse I had as a kid and escapes completely unscathed. The idea of being on the receiving end of uncontrolled bitterness and anger is about as appealing as stabbing myself repeatedly with a blunt object.
Keeping things light and casual means avoiding women’s overly emotional and unreasonable reactions. Do I believe all women are like my mother? Ready to turn on a man at the drop of a hat? No. But I am wary. Cautious. Getting heavily involved with someone has the potential to result in a horrid and painful experience I can do without. But something about Mackenzie Lauren makes me want to believe that I can handle a long-term relationship, that I can take a risk – and that it will pay off.
“But you want to now?” she asks.
“With you, yeah. I want to try.”
“Why?”
That is the million-dollar question. I could tell her it’s because she’s different from any other woman I’ve been with. I can tell her it’s because I can’t stop thinking about her or wanting her – that I hate the idea of her with any other men. These are my truths, but they won’t be enough for Mac.
If she is going to put her job on the line, risk it all, and possibly suffer through the same fate she had on Junction Hospital, she needs a whole lot more than ‘I like you a lot.’ She needs to know if I love her.
Mac is looking at me intently. The guarded expression she’s been wearing since we started talking has been replaced by glimmers of hope. As the seconds tick by and I remain silent, however, hurt and disappointment take its place. Damn it, why can’t I just say the words? Because you don’t know if you love her, idiot. You should have figured it out already. It’s kind of important.
❤️Mac❤️
“Mac, you in there? Open up. Let me in.”
I turn around quickly, trying to get a grip on my disappointment. Ryan wants to be with me after all. He didn’t reject me or turn me away. Australia’s Romeo wants something permanent, and he wants it with me. I should be happy, right? Yet why am I not?
What did you think, Mac? That Ryan loved you after all, the way that you love him?
Yes. For a moment, I had believed he loved me, but too quickly I realized I was only dreaming. The words did not come and will never come. All I feel now is crushing disappointment. As much as I wish otherwise, I now know I can’t settle for anything less than his love. What he offered me was more than I ever expected, but it just isn’t enough.
If he doesn’t love me, then I’m not any different from the other women he’s dated in the past. And if I’m no different from the other women, how long can we possibly make our ‘permanent’ relationship last?
His track record is appalling. He’s never been with a woman for longer than three months. He loses interest and grows bored quickly. So, how long would it be until he grows tired and bored with me?
How long would it be until he moves on to the next thing he wants? How long would it be until his name hits the headlines with the party twins again? Or the next model or actress he dates? What if we get a new co-star, and he suddenly takes a fancy to her? I would be left shattered. Ryan would never set out to hurt me, but I have to be serious here.
If I give in to my desires now and begin a relationship with Ryan, there will be issues with Blainesworth and my job. I have no idea if we can really keep our relationship a secret from our producer for any great length of time. And once our relationship is over, Blainesworth may fire me. Can I still count on Ryan to go to bat for me when we are through?
It will be the end of my job, just like it was last time. It could even be the end of my career. And it will be because of a man. If I am going to put my career on the firing line again, surely I deserve a man who loves me the way that I love him? As painful as it is to admit, Ryan isn’t that man.
I open the dressing room door, but through the flood of tears, it takes a moment for me to register Danny.
“Hey,” Danny says. “Are you alright?”
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
“I was wondering if you wanted to go over our scene.”
✯Ryan✯
My teeth are set on edge the moment I hear Westlaker at the door, but hearing Mac’s ex tell her that he wants to go over their scene together makes me want to go up and punch him. If the man had actually read his lines, he would be prepared. The whole "let’s go over our scene-kiss" routine is an old trick I have used a few times, but I don’t want to see Westlaker employing it on Mac.
I don’t want to see Westlaker employing it on Mac, ever.
Her ex strolls into the room as if he owns it, stopping short when he sees me standing there.
"I can come back if now’s not a good time," Westlaker says to Mac.
"Come back later," I say.
"Now’s fine," Mac answers at the same time.
I glare at her. Really? We’re in the middle of something serious here. Okay, so I didn’t get around to telling her what she wants to hear, but is it wrong that I need some time to think about it? I’ve never lied to a woman before, and I sure as hell am not going to start with Mac.
Maybe if I’d ever been in love before, I would know what it feels like. I would have an answer ready to give her. But I haven’t been in love. This is all uncharted territory to me.
"We can talk later," Mac says, obviously trying to get rid of me.
No way am I going to leave Mac alone with Westlaker. I know better than anyone how crazy and out of control a kiss can get. The memory of kissing her in her kitchen on a Sunday morning springs to my mind. Fortunately, Jazz walks into the room at this very moment, saving the day.
"Mac, you’re supposed to be in make-up."
"I guess we missed our chance, huh?" Westlaker asks.
I’m about to make a gloating remark, but I stop myself in time. Gloating will get me nowhere. I watch Mac shoot Westlaker an apologetic smile before she turns around and walks out. I don’t miss the appreciative look in the other man’s eyes as he ogles her ass. I clench my hands at my sides and fight against the urge to beat her ex to a bloody pulp.
Maybe I should worry less – now that I know how Mac feels, but I’m not. Mac and Westlaker have a history. They’ve become awfully cosy the past few weeks, and it is clear that her ex still wants her. What if Mac kisses him and realizes she wants him, too? Westlaker will be working on another show soon enough. Being with him won’t endanger her career. The thought sets my teeth together.
After the wave of nauseating jealousy rolls through me, I think about how I’ve been on edge for the past three weeks. I’ve suffered a loss of appetite, insomnia, and depression. Mac may have spent the last three weeks ignoring me, but she still brings out a fierce protective streak in me I never knew existed. I’ve never desired anyone the way I desire her, and I never wanted a relationship with anyone before her.
Am I in love with her? Yeah, there is a damn good chance that I am – hook, line, and sinker.