❤️Mac❤️
"Okay, are you going to tell me what that was I walked in on back there with you, Ryan, and Danny? Or am I going to have to torture it out of you?"
Jazz sits and watches our makeup guru, Denise, make me look 'fab, fab and more fab' – Denise's words, not mine. It's obvious that Jazz is dying to ask me more. Thankfully, my friend holds back her questions until we leave the room. Our makeup artist is brilliant at making up faces. She is also brilliant at repeating the gossip she hears while doing her job.
"You didn't walk in on anything."
I told Ryan how I felt. Instead of rejecting me, like I expected him to, he offered me a proper relationship. For just a moment, I foolishly allowed myself to hope he might love me. Devastation and disappointment followed when I realized he does not. Then Danny interrupted us.
"Come on, Mac, Ryan looked like he was about to rip Danny's throat out."
"You know he wasn't happy when I agreed to working with Danny."
It’s the truth, but it’s hardly the only thing Ryan is unhappy about right now. I just turned down his offer of a permanent relationship. He’s probably hurt and confused by my rejection. I know it’s a big deal for Ryan to offer something like that, and no doubt we aren't close to being done talking about it, but I can't allow myself to be moved on the issue. Not if I want to keep my job.
So, when we do talk about it again, I need to stay strong. I must say no until he accepts it. And if he protests, I'll give him my reasons. It would never work out between the us. There are too many obstacles in the way. Not to mention that he may like the idea of a permanent relationship now, but no relationship lasts past three months with Ryan Moore. Sure, there is a first time for everything, but why should things be any different with me?
"Danny is an ex who screwed you over," Jazz says. "None of us were happy about it, but Ryan looked more than unhappy. He looked downright scary."
"You're exaggerating," I say.
"Trust me, I'm not."
Maybe I should have asked Danny to come back later, but I needed the break from my emotional upheaval. When Ryan approaches me to finish our conversation, I will apologize and do my best to set everything straight between us. I won’t allow myself to become flustered and hopeful again.
"Come on, Mac," Jazz pleads when I remain silent. "I'm dying to know what Danny could have said that would make Ryan look as if he were about to murder him."
"It was really nothing. Danny just wanted to know if we could go over our scene together," I say.
"Your kissing scene?"
"Yes."
"So, Danny wanted to go over your kiss and Ryan got all pissed about it? Do we have our own love triangle happening on-screen and off-screen?"
"Danny is still in love with his ex. I'm in love with Ryan. Ryan wants me, but doesn't love me. There's no triangle."
I worry at my bottom lip as I wait for the truth bomb I just dropped on Jazz to detonate. Three, two, one.
"God, Mac."
"I know, I know. I'm such an idiot."
"Not just that. Why didn't you tell me earlier? The headline was true, wasn't it?"
I nod glumly.
"I can't believe you kept this from me. Trying to get anything out of you lately has been like pulling teeth. I know you like to keep your cards close to your chest, but I'm your friend. We used to talk all the time. Now you barely say anything unless I badger it out of you. Don't you trust me?"
It appears I'm not done feeling like a bad friend today. First, I hurt Ryan by choosing to avoid him for the past three weeks instead of coming straight out and telling him the truth. Now I've hurt Jazz too by attempting to keep my romantic mistakes to myself. What a mess.
I do trust Jazz, but I’m just so embarrassed about falling in love with my leading man. Again. Moreover, talking about my feelings for Ryan has the potential to change our group dynamics – make my friends feel like they have to pick sides. I don't want them to feel awkward around the two of us. Besides Ryan, there is no one else I care more about than my friends, who have been there for me through the thick and thin of being in the spotlight.
Keeping my mouth shut seemed like the best idea for everyone. However, with Ryan now in the know, Jazz deserves the truth too.
"Of course I trust you. But this was... embarrassing. Humiliating."
"I knew there was something going on between you and Ryan because Brad has hinted at it more than once, but every time I ask him about it, he says that I should ask Ryan."
It isn’t the first time that Jazz has indicated that Brad knowns something about what’s going on, but I never asked more because I didn't want to shine a spotlight on the subject. Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
Jazz lets out a breath. "I should have pushed this earlier. I knew there was more to it when the two of you always had an excuse to miss so many of the things I invited you to, and you never seemed to be at the same group things, but I tried to talk myself out of thinking it was true."
"You wanted to credit me with more intelligence than this current predicament would suggest I have, right?"
"I don't mean it like that, but after Danny, I had hoped that this wouldn't happen. Blainesworth..."
"I know. He doesn't like co-stars dating. He's already warned me that I should make my career my number one priority here."
And I have. I mentally give myself a pat on the back. My methods have been hurtful, and I regret that, but they've also been effective. I've successfully worked with someone I love who doesn't return my feelings. For the past three weeks, I've nursed my heartache and managed to get through each day without 'losing it'. This is a big step forward for me.
Ryan will probably be proud of me if he chooses to forgive me for the way I've behaved toward him the past few weeks.
I hope he will. I don't want Ryan to stay angry with me. When we talk again, I have to end our friendship the way I should have done before, properly, with no secrets between us. This time Ryan will know exactly how I feel about him and why I am doing it.
"And he's right," Jazz says. "You need to put your energy into your work."
"I am. But even if I wasn't, I'd be okay. I don't have to worry about anything happening between Ryan and me because he doesn't feel the same way I do."
"He knows, then?"
"He knows," I say. "He was hurt and upset because I've been avoiding him lately. I had to tell him why."
"Did he give you his whole 'let's keep it casual, I'm not in it for the long haul' talk?"
"No," I sigh. "He told me he wanted to try something permanent, something serious."
Ryan looked and sounded sincere when he said that – that he wants us to be together and have a shot at this. My heart turns in my chest when I think about what I will be missing out on by rejecting his offer. But this time around, I have to prioritise my job.
"That... doesn't sound like Ryan at all," Jazz frowns.
"It was the last thing I was expecting." I pause for a moment before adding, "Just for a moment, I thought maybe he loved me back. But when I asked him why he wanted to jump into a committed relationship, he had no answer."
"Oh, sweetie," Jazz says sympathetically. "Ryan is a great guy, but he's never going to be the man you take home to meet your mother. He doesn't do commitment. I know he said he wanted permanent, but I'm not sure he even knows what that means. It would have been a disaster in the making."
"I know. It's why I tried so hard not to fall for him," I say.
“You can’t stop yourself from falling in love.”
“Well, that’s not fair. You should be able to.”
Jazz laughs. “Maybe you can, but I don’t know how. Do you know how much heartache I could have saved myself if I knew how to stop myself from falling in love with the wrong guys?”
Jazz has had her share of romantic blunders. Not with her leading men, but she’s certainly dated a few losers, and I’ve heard about them over the past year.
I nod. “I do.”
“I know it might not sound like it right now, but maybe there’s a silver lining in all of this,” Jazz says. “If Ryan felt the same way you did, it might be close to impossible to resist getting involved with him, and you know how Blainesworth would feel about that.”
“My job would be over. My career would be over.”
“Exactly. Aren’t you glad you don’t have to choose between following your heart and your job?”
“Yes,” I say.
Now if only I can convince myself it is the truth.
✯Ryan✯
I stand on the side of the set, script in hand. I don’t bother trying to do a last-minute read-through because I’m too angry to concentrate on anything now. Mac has effectively ignored me and avoided me for three weeks without any explanation, and when I finally cornered and confronted her about it, she dumped that giant-ass bombshell on me and left before I had an appropriate time to process and respond!
No, that isn’t quite true. I put myself on the line – offered her more than I’ve offered any other woman. I told her how much I cared about her, and she all but dismissed it, and me, the moment her ex-boyfriend showed up!
She’s made it perfectly clear she would rather kiss the man that broke her heart than give any thought to my suggestion that we try something permanent.
Damn it, I know I didn’t say what she wanted to hear – that I love her, but if she’d just given me a chance to figure it out before deciding we have no future together, I would have given her my heart. And yes, I know Blainesworth is an issue. I’m not deluded enough to believe love conquers all, but she could have at least given what I offered just a little thought.
The anger builds inside me until I feel as if I’m about to turn into The Hulk– probably not the best way to go into any scene. The last thing I want to do is screw up my lines and have to re-watch Mac kiss Westlaker, but if I can’t get my anger under control, I just might have to. Won’t that be the cherry on top of the past three shittiest weeks of my life?
“Ryan.”
I look up to see one of the writers, Kelly, in front of me.
“We’ve made an amendment to the scene you’re about to shoot.”
Great. I haven’t wrapped my head around the lines yet, and now they are changing the scene. This keeps getting better and better.
“It’s a relatively small add-on,” Kelly says. “A kiss.”
I look at the revised script Kelly places in my hands, scanning through to the end quickly. After Stone interrupts the kiss, he kisses Brianna himself.
“There’s no change to the dialogue, just to the way things end between Stone and Brianna. Ending the scene with a kiss will leave no doubt in Brianna’s mind that Stone is serious,” Kelly adds. “When we started writing next week's episode, we realized we needed something more between the two of you right here.”
“Has Mac seen this yet?”
As if the question conjured her, Mac walks in with Jazz. She is freshly made up and looks good enough to eat in her form-fitting, dark purple knit dress. No matter how pissed I am with her, my body responds to the sight of her right away. My heart races, and my breath quickens. Lust has made me its slave, and now it seems love is doing the same.
Mac looks up and meets my gaze for a moment. She gives me a small smile. Or maybe it is an apologetic smile? Before I can analyse it too much, her eyes flick over to Kelly.
“Ah, she’s finally back from makeup,” Kelly says. “I’ll go fill her in now.”
I read over the scene. The kiss they’ve added is even more passionate and intense than the last one we shared, and my libido is off and running before I can stop it. Maybe I’m too riled up by everything, but I can’t help thinking that the extra kiss is exactly what I need.
This feels in character for Stone. His jealousy and the need to claim Brianna as his own is something I can relate to far too easily.
I wait on the sidelines until the director calls me up. Mac and Westlaker go through their lines while I am forced to watch. The moment Westlaker slides his arms around Mac and presses his lips against hers, I want to dive onto the stage and break them up, but I manage to hang in there for the required amount of time, and then I use the jealousy pummelling at me to make my entrance.
“I see you’re making a habit of kissing men in Hart’s Valley, Brianna.”
Mac springs away from Westlaker quickly, looking appropriately shocked, annoyed, and guilty all at once. The scene is supposed to be taking place at a house party. Brianna and Luke – Westlaker’s character – have slipped off to one of the empty bedrooms.
“Stone,” she addresses me tightly. “I don’t think kisses under duress should count.”
“I hope you’re not counting our kiss as that. I can’t remember the last time I was with a woman who enjoyed me kissing her so much.”
Mac’s eyes glitter with fury as heat pours into her cheeks. God, she is so beautiful.
“And what does that tell you, Stone? Perhaps your other women don’t enjoy your kisses as much as you think they do.”
“Doubtful,” I smirk. “But, for the record, there haven’t been any other women. Not since I kissed you.”
Her mouth falls open in response, but Westlaker speaks before she can.
“Was this interruption necessary?”
“I assure you you’ll thank me for it later,” I say, looking at Brianna. “This woman might seem warm and willing, but she’s only using you to make me jealous.”
Mac’s outraged gasp is perfectly timed.
“Besides, Sawyer and Yvette are waiting for you at the bar downstairs. Apparently, you have business to discuss?”
“Yes. We do. Brianna, could we continue this another time?”
“Yes. I would like that.”
Her smile is suitably forced. Westlaker nods and then, after a beat, he leaves us.
“How dare you!” she yells, the moment the two of us are alone together.
“You…you…pig!”
“He’s not right for you, Brianna.”
“And you are?”
“He’s not one of us. He’s not staying here in the Valley.”
“He could change his mind.”
“You’re delusional. You’re so busy running from us-”
“Us?” she cries. “There is no us, Stone.”
“You’re wrong, Brianna. When are you going to stop denying what’s between us?”
“I’m not denying or running from anything!”
“No?”
“No!”
“I want you. You want me. This thing is going to happen between us – hell, it is already happening between us. You’re leading Luke on.”
“You’re delusional. You can’t stand the fact that I turned you down, and you hate seeing me with Luke-”
“Yes,” I bite out. “I do. Is that what you want to hear?”
She seems shell-shocked by my admission. Stunned.
“I wanted to kill him when I saw him touching you. I had to get rid of him before I did something stupid.”
“Stone,” she whispers, as I come towards her.
We stand toe to toe, and as the silence goes on, neither of us moves. The tension between us increases, and my excitement at what is coming next skyrockets. I am finally going to kiss her, anger be damned. The thought sends a secret thrill through my body. I’ve never been in love before, have never kissed someone I know I love.
My gaze locks on her lips. I can feel the tension radiating from her as she stands perfectly still. When my eyes flick back up to meet hers, I can see the vulnerability reflected in them. She is clearly terrified of what is coming next, of kissing me. I forget everything except the need to reassure her, to make her know that she’s not alone in this. I feel it too. She loves me, and I love her right back.
“Brianna.”
I slide my hand around the nape of her neck, drawing her so close I can feel her body against mine. Does she know how much I want her? Her blue eyes turn smoky as they cling to mine. For the briefest moment, I allow myself to stare into them before I lower my mouth to hers, taking what I want so badly. In the script, the kiss starts off slow and gentle and then escalates quickly, but the moment I taste her, I lose all ability to be calm.
Her lips part under mine immediately and then my tongue is in her mouth, stroking along the length of hers as I back her up against the wall. She clings to me as I grind my hips against hers, conveying just how badly I want her. My hands go to her hips and I lift her slightly off the floor so I can move between her legs. Feeling the heat of her against my throbbing erection is all it takes for me to lose my mind.
Keeping her pinned in place with my hips, I allow myself to touch her. Every whimper she makes, every slide of her tongue against mine, reminds me of what it had been like to be inside her – her hot, wet heat encompassing me, her fingernails digging into me as my body moved in and out of hers. It is all I can do to stop myself from ripping aside her underwear and taking her against the wall. I settle instead for sliding the peak of my erection against her and deepening the kiss when she gasps.
There are people watching us. That thought is there, trying to break through the fog in my head, but it fails to make a dent. My hands slide under her dress as she sucks on my tongue.
“Cut!”
It takes more than a moment for the thick fog of lust in my head to clear, and by that time Mac is already sliding her legs from my hips. But I’m not ready to let her go yet – not even close. Unfortunately, I have no choice. I let my hands fall from her and step away.
“That was practically pornographic,” Mitch calls out to us, before his face splits into a wide grin. “I love me a good skin flick, but I’m not in the habit of filming them. Let’s try the scene again, turn down the heat a fraction, and keep your hands where I can see them.”
There is no way I can kiss Mac again and turn down the heat. I run a hand through my hair. “Can I have a moment, Mitch?”
Mitch smiles knowingly. “Five-minute break enough?”
An hour-long cold shower won’t be long enough.
“Can I have ten?” I ask.
“Knock yourself out.”
Mac is already leaving the stage, walking into one of the empty hallways that lead away from the set. I follow her. I have no idea where she is going or what is going through her head after what just happened, but I have to find out. More importantly, I have to tell her how I feel about her.
“Mac.”
When she doesn’t respond, I reach out and grab her arm, turning her around. Thank God there is no one around. One look at her dark eyes and kiss-swollen lips, and I am incapable of keeping the distance between us. I am moving in and caressing her lips with the pad of my thumb before I even realize I am doing it.
Looking torn between fear, arousal, and anger, she turns her face away from my touch and puts her hands against my chest to stop me from getting any closer.
“You shouldn’t have followed me. Not after…after that. We lost control. Everybody saw it.”
She is clearly upset. My first instinct is to comfort her and reassure her that everything will be fine, but I am not at all sure I’m telling her the truth. I’ve just kissed her without showing a lick of restraint, and she has responded with equal abandon. I suspect Mac believes I should have had the strength to hold back. Despite knowing our attraction is mutual, she sees me as the less affected party. She’s clueless.
My feelings for her are so overwhelming and potent that I don’t stand much chance of keeping them under control. I’ve never acted so recklessly before. I have to tell her how I feel, and then we can work out how to proceed from here.
“I know, but we need to talk, don’t you think?” I ask.
“Yes. We do.”
“Have dinner with me tonight.”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t, or you won’t?”
“We do need to talk, but not over dinner.”
“Mac—”
“Ryan, no, it’s too much like a date. We can’t do that. I can’t do that. It would never work out. I could lose everything. My job. You have to understand.”
“I do,” I say.
And I do. I understand all too well. After all, this isn’t the first scene I’ve screwed up in the past few weeks. The lack of sleep, the lack of appetite, the feeling as if nothing in the world is right anymore. For the first time in my life, I have started to worry about my own ability to perform properly.
I honestly have no idea how I can work with her, day in, day out, if we aren’t together. But I’m not going to tell her that. Blackmailing a woman into a relationship is not my style. Whatever decision Mac makes, I will respect it – providing she takes my feelings into account.
However, she needs to know the truth. I am in love with her.
Right now, it seems she is determined to run, determined to avoid me and dump our friendship, but I am about to play my trump card. I hope to God it makes a difference.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. What you offered—”
“Is something I’ve never offered anyone else before.”
“I know. And it’s a great offer, but you don’t do permanent relationships.”
“I do now. I want a permanent relationship, and I want it with you,” I say.
“It would never last.”
“Ask me why,” I demand.
“Sorry?”
“Ask me why I suddenly want a permanent relationship with you. You asked me earlier. Ask me again.”
She stares at me for a beat before she sighs and gives in. “Why do you suddenly want a permanent relationship with me?”
“Because I’m in love with you, Mackenzie.”