✯Ryan✯
The car ride to Morwell Private Hospital is quiet. Only light rock music plays on the car stereo, disturbing our silence. Mac doesn't attempt any conversation, and I'm grateful for that. I didn't intend to ask her to come along, but when she opened the bathroom door and asked me what was wrong, the answer just slipped out. The truth is, her presence next to mine comforts me.
Now that I have had time to think about it, I wonder if this meeting between Mac and my mother is happening too soon. I don't want Mac to see how much resentment my mother harbours towards me. It's something I never shared with the other women I dated in the past, but Mac is so much more than those women ever were.
After a drive that feels both too long and too short, I find the first available spot in the hospital car park and park my car. As we stride towards the emergency entrance, Mac slides her hand into mine. I squeeze it, silently thanking my lucky stars that she's here with me.
Mac points to the woman huddled at the entrance of the emergency section of Morwell Private. "Is that Mindy?"
"That's her," I answer tightly, noticing that my sister is smoking – something she only does when she's extremely stressed.
"Mindy," I call her name, trying to get her attention.
Seeing me, Mindy drops her cigarette on the ground and stubs it out with her foot. She runs towards me with a relieved smile on her face, and I hug her tightly.
"How's Mum?" I ask, letting her go.
"God, Ry, I feel so bad. I totally screwed up. I don't know how to handle this."
"We'll get through it. It'll be okay."
Mindy frowns suddenly as she looks over my shoulder. "Mackenzie Lauren?"
I hadn't forgotten that Mac is here with me, but for a moment, I've forgot that I need to introduce the two of them.
"Mac, please," Mac says, stepping forward. "I'm so sorry about your mother."
Mindy's appraising gaze darts between Mac and me.
"Mindy, this is my girlfriend, Mac. Mac, this is my sister, Mindy."
"Girlfriend?" Mindy's eyebrows shoot up towards the sky.
"Yup."
"Wow, Ry. I don't think I've ever heard you use that term before."
A small smile slides across my face. "What can I say? I've never felt the urge to before."
"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mac," Mindy says. "Though I wish the circumstances were better."
Mac nods. "Me, too."
Mindy turns to me. "Mum's regained consciousness. They've just moved her out of emergency and into a ward."
"Do you know which one?"
"Yep. Come on, I guess it's time to face the music."
I put a hand out to grab Mindy's wrist. "Hey, Min, this wasn't your fault."
"I don't even know how she fell out of her wheelchair."
"You can't watch her twenty-four seven."
"I know, but... this isn't the first incident, Ry. There have been others."
"What? When?"
"Over the past few months."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I didn't want to bother you. I know you don't like dealing with her."
"Yes, I hate dealing with Mum, but I never wanted all of her care to fall on your shoulders."
"Hey, I told you I wanted to do it. I haven't forgotten that, and I'm not blaming you."
"But it's not working out anymore?"
“I don’t know, Ry. It’s so much more full-on than I was expecting. Mum’s the worst kind of patient at the best of times, and she’s getting more and more difficult by the day. Maybe I just need some help.” Mindy glances at Mac again. “Let’s go inside. Mac looks frozen.”
“I’m fine,” Mac protests.
We go inside anyway, but I'm not done talking to Mindy about this yet. This conversation is long overdue between us. My sister sounds like she's reached her breaking point, and I wish she had talked to me about what had been happening sooner. It's true that I find it difficult to spend any great deal of time with my mother, but that doesn't mean I want Mindy to suffer in silence.
If only she would let me pay for someone to come in and help her, or for someone to come in full-time so she could leave Morwell. Of course, Mindy would feel guilty for leaving our mother in someone else's care. And I would, too. Then again, I am so used to feeling guilty when it comes to things concerning my mother that it really wouldn't make any difference.
Whatever Mindy wants, I will make it happen.
The three of us walk down to the elevator quickly. Mindy presses the up arrow, and when the doors slide open, we step inside.
"Level two," Mindy instructs.
I hit the button, and we stand in silence until the elevator takes us to our level.
"Room 209," Mindy says.
As we draw nearer to the room, Mac slows down.
"I should probably wait out here for you guys," she says.
I look at her for a moment, trying to work out whether to ask her to come in with me or not. Mac looks more than a little hesitant, and I can understand her apprehension. This is an unusual situation. Introducing her to my mother like this would have been strange if I had a normal relationship with my mother. But our relationship is anything but normal.
"Come in with me," I say to her after a moment's thought.
Mac's anxious gaze slides to Mindy.
Mindy nods at her. "No more than two visitors at a time. It's fine. I'll wait out here for a bit."
"Oh no," Mac says. "I don't-"
Mindy puts a hand up to halt Mac's refusal. "Be there for him. He needs you."
"If you're sure...?"
"I am."
❤️Mac❤️
Ever since I walked out of the bathroom at Lyndel’s welcome party, I have been unsure of what I should say to Ryan. Until today, I knew very little about his mother, other than the small pieces of information I gleaned from conversations with him. I knew that his mother is sick, and that is why he has never left the country. I also know that his mother is part of the reason Ryan has steered clear of commitment until now.
Listening to the brief conversation between Ryan and his sister outside the hospital, however, was enlightening... and somewhat disturbing. From the looks of it, Ryan's relationship with his mother is severely damaged.
His warm fingers close around mine as we walk into the pale pink room. My adrenaline starts to kick in as my gaze sweeps over the frail-looking woman in the bed.
Ryan’s mother's hair is short and grey, with the occasional streak of brown. Half of it stands up in tufts; the other half matted to the side of her face – a face that is so lined that if I hadn’t known the woman was Ryan's mother, I might have guessed her age to be seventy-something. The clipboard at the base of the bed reads: "Janet Moore".
I am certain Janet must have heard our footsteps, but she doesn't look up.
“Mum,” Ryan says gently.
“Where’s Mindy?” Janet rasps.
“She’s waiting in the hall.”
“Typical of your sister to just stand idly by. You’re both useless. I’d be better off on my own.”
I stand in stunned silence as the bitterness in Janet’s weak voice pierces my heart. Ryan visibly flinches, but he doesn't look at me. He keeps his eyes trained on his mother.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Mum, but we’re both here anyway.”
“Am I supposed to feel grateful? Mindy should have been watching me. She let me fall.”
“I’m going to look at getting her – getting both of you – some help.”
“Typical of you to try and saddle someone else with your responsibility. Every day I wonder what I did to deserve such a pathetic excuse for a son.”
My sharp intake of breath causes Janet to twist in her bed and look at me finally. Her eyes are narrow and unfriendly.
“Are you a nurse?”
“This is Mackenzie,” Ryan says. “She’s my girlfriend.”
Janet mutters something about bastards and Ryan’s father.
“That’s enough, Mum,” Ryan says harshly, before glancing at me, his eyes full of apology.
I don’t know why Ryan needs to feel apologetic about Janet’s comments. What kind of mother refers to her son as pathetic and useless before having a go at him for being like his bastard father? Whatever the relationship is between Ryan and his mother, he’s here. He came. And he’s definitely worried about her. But Janet is clearly furious, and I am pretty certain it has absolutely nothing to do with anything Ryan has or hasn’t done today.
The urge to rush to Ryan’s defence is overwhelming, and I bite my lip to stop myself from saying anything. I don’t know Janet, and the woman has just sustained injuries from a fall. Janet may be bitter and angry, but she is probably feeling shaken and vulnerable too.
Besides, I can't imagine that Ryan would appreciate me intervening on his behalf. He has obviously been dealing with his mother’s criticism for a very long time. He might have wanted me by his side, but he would never expect me to fight his battles. What he needs right now is my support, and he has that in spades.
A middle-aged nurse walks into Janet’s room, her face lighting up when she sees Ryan. “Well, if it isn’t Morwell’s superstar!”
Ryan’s smile is equally warm as he greets the nurse by name.
“Nella has been one of mum’s nurses on and off for the past couple of years,” Ryan explains to me.
“Try the last five,” Nella corrects.
“Has it really been that long?”
“You betcha it has.”
Janet’s mouth curves into an almost-smile. “Feels more like twenty.”
I brace myself for the nurse’s wrath, but instead of being upset by Janet’s comment, Nella merely grins. “You can say that again, you old chook.”
After a beat of silence, I realize Nella is studying me with interest. “It’s Mackenzie Lauren, isn’t it?”
“Sorry,” Ryan says straight away. “Nella, Mackenzie. Mackenzie, Nella.”
I smile politely. “Hello.”
Almost immediately, there is a speculative gleam in the nurse’s eyes that wasn’t there moments before. My stomach dips. I hadn’t considered the possibility that people will see Ryan and I together here. Anyone could have seen me walking through the hospital with Ryan.
My mind begins to race, all sorts of possible scenarios appearing in my head. What will the Monday papers say if someone decides to talk about us?
But then I remind myself, no one has walked in my shoes. They don’t have to live with my decisions. It doesn’t matter what people think. Not anymore.
“I’ve got the doctor coming around to talk to you and Mindy,” Nella tells Ryan. “Where is Mindy, by the way?”
“She’s not in the hall?” Ryan asks.
“I didn’t see her there.”
“I’ll go look for her if you like?” I suggest.
Ryan nods. “There’s a waiting room around the corner. She might have gone to sit down there.”
I walk out of the room and follow the corridor around until I come to a group of seats in front of a large window. Mindy sits there, staring out into the darkness. I walk over and plop down next to her. Mindy needs to know she isn’t alone in this, but she is clearly lost in her thoughts.
“The doctor wants to talk to you and Ryan,” I say softly, not wanting to intrude on her quiet, reflective moment.
“Thanks,” Mindy says, standing up. “Are you coming?”
It is late in the evening, and the rule is two visitors at a time. I know Mindy and Ryan need each other for support right now.
“I’ll wait until you’re finished speaking with the doctor. I’m afraid the room might be too crowded otherwise.”
“Okay. We shouldn’t be too long.”
***
Around twenty minutes pass when Mindy reappears, holding two cups of coffee.
“Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” I say as Mindy holds the cup out.
“Ryan’s orders,” Mindy explains. “He said to tell you he’s almost done here.”
“He doesn’t want to stay?”
“There’s not much else either of us can do right now. He and I need to discuss a few things, so I think he wants to talk to you about spending the night in Morwell.”
“Of course,” I nod. “What did the doctor say?”
Mindy sits down beside me. “Mum can go home tomorrow. She has a concussion, so they’re keeping her in overnight. Aside from the broken wrist and concussion, she’s okay.”
“That’s good.”
I stare at my feet, not sure what else to say. Normally, small talk is something I find easy enough, but now doesn’t really seem like the time for trading platitudes.
After an awkward moment, Mindy finally breaks the silence. “Do you know you’re the first girl he’s ever brought home?”
“I know I’m the first 'girlfriend'.”
“He’s always avoided the whole relationship thing. Until now. I think Mum’s constant criticism, manipulation, and emotional blackmail made him wary of getting too close to anyone.”
“You think he’s afraid of being manipulated by someone else?”
“Maybe. I’m no psychologist. Whatever his reasons, Mum’s comments burned him pretty badly. Because Ryan was male and Mum was angry at Dad, Ryan copped most of the abuse. I’m so proud of him. He took the pain and hurt he felt and channelled it into acting. He’s a survivor, my brother.”
I’ve always admired Ryan, but now I admire him even more. He’s taken a personal tragedy and a childhood filled with abuse and found a way to make the best of it. He has triumphed. As Mindy said, Ryan has survived.
And I will, too.
Earlier this evening, I was questioning whether a breakup with Ryan would shatter me. But, reflecting on how Ryan overcame a tormenting and abusive childhood, I'm convinced I can withstand a breakup as well. It's as simple as that. Yesterday, I decided I'd need to lean into Ryan’s strength. But now, I'm realizing that depending on his strength isn't necessary. Every experience, whether joyous or painful, shapes my perspective. The anguish from my past break-up with Danny only amplifies the depth and significance of what I currently share with Ryan. It's a testament to the special relationship we're building.
“He’s pretty amazing,” I agree.
Mindy starts to say something more but trails off as she sees Ryan walking towards us.
Ryan looks as though he has the world on his shoulders right then, running a hand over his face, his posture stiff and tense. He glances first at me, then at Mindy.
“I’m done,” he says. “I’m thinking of taking Mac to the Morwell Motel. She’ll be more comfortable there.”
It is on the tip of my tongue to say I don’t care about comfort, that wherever he wants to go is fine. But I suspect it is Ryan who would be more comfortable spending the night somewhere other than in his childhood home.
“Okay,” Mindy stands up. She gives Ryan a kiss on the cheek and turns to me. “It was nice to meet you, Mac.”
“Likewise.”
It has been enlightening to meet Ryan’s mother and sister today. Even if we’ve come here under negative circumstances, I’ve seen a lot and understood even more.
“Call me tomorrow,” Mindy tells Ryan.
After Mindy walks away, I walk up to Ryan and wrap my arms around his middle. I press my cheek against his chest, feeling his strong, steady heartbeat. He sags against me, and when his arms come up to embrace me, I have the feeling he is supporting himself and trying to stay upright.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as he kisses the top of my head.
“I’m sorry, too.”
I look up at him, but before I can tell him he has nothing to be sorry for, he surprises me. “I didn’t think about the fact that anyone could see us here together. This could end up in Women’s Daily News.”
“I don’t care.”
Despite his exhaustion, Ryan still manages to look surprised. I suppose he has every reason to be sceptical. Just hours earlier, I had been fearful of attending a work function where our colleagues would see us together. This evening, however, every doubt I once felt has dissipated.
“It’s the truth,” I say. “I don’t care who sees us or what Women’s Daily News prints. Bring it on.”
His lips twitch. “Let’s get out of here.”
“You look beat. Do you want me to drive?”
It has been a very long time since I’ve driven a car, but I want to take care of him tonight.
“Can you drive stick?” he asks.
“It’s been a long time, but yes, I can.”
He hands me the keys. “Take me away, then.”
✯Ryan✯
The following evening, I pull into the Morwell Motor-Inn, looking for the small yellow Holden Mac had rented from the car rental place a few hours ago. Originally, the plan had been to head back to Melbourne in the afternoon, but I didn't want to rush the conversation with my sister. With that in mind, we decided to stay another night in Morwell, and Mac wanted to use the extra time to visit her parents in the neighbouring city of Traralgon.
I spot Mac's rental car and park next to it before gathering enough energy to climb out and walk to our room. The door opens just as I am about to slide my key in. I drink in the sight of my girlfriend in short denim shorts and a flannel shirt, feeling the tension in my chest ease for the first time since she left my side.
"I, ah, picked up some clothes from home. Congrats, you get to see me in my farm wear."
I can’t keep the grin off my face. "Very cute."
"If you say so," she says with a brief laugh before her expression turns serious. "How did your conversation with Mindy go?"
"We're going to get someone in to help with Mum. I still think Mindy needs to get out of there and start living her life again, but she doesn't want to leave, and I guess I can understand that. I just... I hate this. I feel so guilty. Mindy's done her part looking after Mum, but I just can't do it, Mac. I don't want to take a turn at it. I can't be in that house, day in, day out, with someone who despises me because she sees my father in me. I'd... I'd end up hating her for it."
The frustration, anger, and resentment in my voice must be apparent because Mac runs her hands along my arms soothingly.
"I hate the way I feel when I'm around her, Mac – this constant feeling of failure and disappointment."
Mac cups my face in her hands. "You are the least disappointing man I've ever met and the farthest thing from a failure I've ever seen."
I smile. "You're pretty spectacular yourself."
Mac swats my arm. "I'm serious. I tried so hard not to fall in love with you, but it was impossible because you are simply that awesome."
My smile grows, but she isn't done yet. "Last night, at Lyndel's party, she called me stupid for choosing to have a relationship with you."
The smile I've just been wearing is immediately replaced by a scowl, but Mac holds her hands up to stop me from saying anything.
"It was the best thing that could have happened to me, Ryan. Because I realized something. I realized that being with you is the right decision for me, and that anyone else in my shoes would have made the same choice, Lyndel included. No one in their right mind would turn down the chance to be with the man they love. No one would turn down the chance to be with you."
"I don't know about that."
"Well, anyone who would is an idiot. You're gorgeous and sexy and-"
"Gorgeous and sexy, huh?" I ask, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her against me.
She looks into my eyes. "And you're an amazing actor, a wonderful friend. You love your sister, and you try to do the best thing by her and your mother, even though the situation is so... difficult."
I smile down at her, appreciating her tact.
"You are not useless. You are not a bastard. And you could never disappoint me. Never. I love you."
I feel raw emotion clog my throat as Mac speaks. Her words are so unexpected, yet they fill a hole in me – a hole I did not even know existed. I have no idea what to say or how to thank her for being here with me this weekend – for being my soft place to fall.
As if she senses my internal turmoil, Mac slides one hand behind my head and pulls my mouth down to hers. She strokes her tongue over mine, causing pleasurable shocks to spread through every part of my body, a warm, heavy desire that settles at the base of my spine and vibrates through to the pit of my stomach.
There is no way I should be capable of experiencing arousal after everything that had happened, but Mac is soft and warm in my arms. She smells and tastes of cinnamon and vanilla -- probably something she ate at her parent’s farm. I want to lose myself in her and forget the day’s events, and with each kiss we share, the need only intensifies.
I rub my unshaven stubble against her soft skin, but Mac doesn’t push me away. Instead she whimpers softly and pulls me closer when my hands travel down her back, settling over the curve of her backside. I can’t stop myself from responding to her, and her small needy cries and the feel of her hips against mine only serve to encourage me further.
She says nothing as I undo the buttons on her shirt. When I see the red and black lace material cupping her breasts, my excitement increases ten-fold. She allows the shirt to fall off her shoulders and then undoes the catch on her bra, exposing herself to my gaze.
Her nipples are just as hard as the erection currently straining against my zipper, begging for release. When she pushes her shorts and matching underwear off her hips to stand naked before me, I want her so badly I don’t know where to touch first.
Mac’s tender kisses erase all thought from my mind. For several sweet, long moments I lose myself in the taste of her mouth before pressing my lips to her jaw, her neck, stopping to suck on the spot where I can feel her pulse beating wildly. She moans lightly and pushes her breasts against my chest. The feel of her naked body pressing against mine leaves me trembling.
“Take me,” she whispers as I part her thighs to find her slick and ready.
It is all the encouragement I need. Desperate to sink into her lush body, I walk her backwards until she hits the wall, all the while undoing my belt and the catch on my jeans. I free my erection and pick her up. The moment she wraps her legs around my waist, I slide my aching shaft along the seam of her sex, before positioning myself at her entrance and slowly inching my way into her waiting heat. I am rewarded immediately by the tight fit of her sex, and I grunt as she squeezes me with her legs and pulls me deeper inside her.
My heart rate triples as I surge forward and fills her completely. “Mac. You feel way too good.”
I grip her hip with one hand and brace the wall with the other. She is wrapped around me so tightly that it is impossible to do more than thrust shallowly, but with the angle I have, my length rubs against her bundle of nerves and her slick walls clench around me with every movement. Her body is so responsive that I find myself barrelling towards satisfaction far too quickly.
I try to slow down and take it all in - her excited gasps, her ragged breath, the feel of her nails scratching down his back - but when she cries out and climaxes around me, I can’t hold back any longer. I claim her mouth again as I drive us harder and faster, until she is coming again.
When the pleasure finally becomes too much and my body tightens in preparation for my release, she whispers into my ear how much she loves me, how much I mean to her. I explode instantly, spilling myself inside her, giving her all of me while taking back a part of myself I thought was lost forever.
As we stand there together, unmoving, I can’t shake the feeling that Mac completes me in ways I’ve never thought possible.