❤️Mac❤️
It takes approximately two days after our return from Morwell for the news of my relationship with Ryan to hit the headlines. Initially, I panic when I see our picture on the cover of News Weekly, but I quickly remind myself that it's my life and my choices. The first headline is harmless enough: "Ryan and Mackenzie: Are they dating?" Subsequent headlines focus on whether Ryan is ready to give up his bachelor status. "Is he off the market? Or just having fun?"
Every article mentions that I spent time with Ryan in his hometown, visiting his mother. The news about our relationship is already public, so I'm not particularly bothered by it.
A week later, Blainesworth announces that Lyndel Craig will join the cast of Hart's Valley, and it becomes public knowledge that her character, Kayla Vermont, will be involved in a love triangle with Stone and Brianna. The tabloids immediately jump to the conclusion that Lyndel may pose a threat to my relationship with Ryan.
I roll my eyes as I read the first two magazine covers after the news about Lyndel breaks.
"Ryan's former leading lady returns to give Mackenzie a run for her money."
And,
"Australia's Romeo torn between his two leading ladies?"
They are silly headlines, but I expect nothing less. I can't feel insecure when Ryan constantly tells me he loves me, and our affectionate gestures toward each other are impossible to hide. Our pictures are splashed across supermarket magazines in Melbourne. The ratings are soaring, and Blainesworth is thrilled. In fact, he seems ecstatic about Ryan and me being together.
Overall, things are going remarkably well. That is until one morning, four weeks after Lyndel's arrival.
I look up as Jazz enters my dressing room, a copy of Women's Daily News tucked under her arm. Her expression is tense, and she holds up the cover for me to see.
"Ryan and Lyndel get close. Worries of Mac losing it again echoed by cast mates," I read aloud, a sinking feeling in my stomach.
"They've gone too far this time," Jazz says, frustration evident in her voice.
I shrug, trying to appear nonchalant, but inside, it feels like a punch to the gut. The picture on the cover shows Lyndel and Ryan talking outside the studio, seemingly innocuous. But what bothers me is the supposed concern of my cast mates.
"You know none of us would say anything like that," Jazz assures me, pacing the room.
"I know."
The false claim shouldn't bother me, but it does. The tabloids rarely leave themselves open to legal trouble, meaning someone must have said something. I dislike the idea of not knowing who it is.
Lyndel is the only possible suspect at the moment, but although she hasn't been particularly friendly, her attitude has remained professional. Just days ago, she surprised us by accepting Jazz's invitation to go out for dinner with the rest of the cast. It seemed like she was making an effort to settle in. Now, I can't help but wonder if her effort was genuine. But if it wasn't Lyndel, who could it be?
"Don't let it get to you," Jazz advises, trying to comfort me.
I nod and toss the magazine into the trash. The thought of someone I work with talking about me makes me uneasy, but I won't allow myself to be bothered by the article. I know there's nothing going on between Ryan and Lyndel, and I have no intention of "losing it" again. Women's Daily News can beat it.
The truth is, I'm tougher now than I was eighteen months ago. No gossip rag will scare me into hiding again. If people want to believe the rumours, it's their problem, not mine.
Unfortunately, my day doesn't get any better from there.
When the scripts for next week's episode are handed out, I quickly discover that Lyndel and Ryan will be sharing more than a kiss. They have a sex scene written for them. Suddenly, I feel like my world has been turned upside down once again.
The timing couldn't be worse. Between the morning's headline and the news of Ryan's upcoming intimate scene with Lyndel, I know people will start tip-toeing around me, giving me sympathetic looks, as if expecting me to crack at any moment.
Jazz and Vanessa show up in the dressing room with Chinese takeaway, and I know they're here to check up on me. At least they don't bother hiding their concern, and Vanessa gets straight to the point.
"I just can't believe it's a sex scene," she says. "Stone and Brianna haven't even gone to bed together yet."
“I can’t see them having Stone and Brianna sleep together any time soon,” Jazz says thoughtfully. “Their romance is a major audience draw. The writers are going to take their time with the build-up, and that includes introducing Kayla Vermont as a potential complication for Stone.”
Vanessa scoffs loudly. “So, they're saving Stone and Brianna's first time as a ratings boost for later?”
Jazz takes out her phone and shows us a Google search entry. "Brione?" Vanessa questions.
"Ship name for Brianna and Stone," Jazz explains.
I can hardly believe my eyes. "There are over a million results."
"That's quite impressive," Vanessa admits.
"They're all over Tumblr and Twitter. And this site," Jazz clicks on the fifth result, "even has a petition against Stone and Kayla hooking up."
I scan the list of names, amazed at the number of people pledging their support for Stone and Brianna.
"No one cares about Kayla and Stone," Jazz remarks. "But the more they hold out on giving people Stone and Brianna, the more the fans want it. Kayla is just there to delay Stone and Brianna getting together too quickly, because Brione is endgame."
Vanessa laughs. "Okay then, Brione is endgame. But can I ask why you've been googling Stone and Brianna?"
Jazz shrugs. "Brad and I were playing around with something on my computer the other night, and we stumbled across this."
Vanessa looks sly. "I've noticed you and Brad spending a lot of time together lately."
Jazz immediately throws Vanessa a look. "Don't go there. We're just friends."
I can't help but grin. "Are you sure I haven't set a precedent for dating a co-star on Hart's Valley?"
"Hardly."
Vanessa turns to me, changing the subject. "Speaking of dating co-stars, how are you feeling about Ryan and Lyndel acting out this sex scene next week?"
"Wow, you dove right in there, didn't you?" I respond.
"We just want to know how you're handling it," Jazz says gently.
"I'm fine, thank you. I mean, I knew this was coming. Situations like this come with the territory. I might not like the idea of Ryan pretending he's having sex with Lyndel, but it's really not a big deal."
"Okay, now that you've told us what you think you should say, why don't you tell us how you really feel?" Vanessa says bluntly.
"I'm not happy about it, but I'm certainly not going to lose it," I reply tersely.
"No one thinks you're going to lose it," Jazz assures me. "But watching the man you're in love with kiss someone else is never fun, no matter how professional you are."
"Thanks for that visual," I retort sarcastically.
"Especially when he's had a sexual relationship with that person," Vanessa adds.
"Look, I appreciate the concern, but this is my job, and everything is great between Ryan and me. I have no reason to doubt him or the way he feels about me."
"Of course you don't," Jazz says, squeezing my hand.
"But you're still checking up on me?"
"Because no matter how good things are between you and Ryan, we thought you might still be a little worried after everything that happened with Danny," Jazz tells me. "Or did we get it wrong?"
I want to tell Jazz and Vanessa that they're wrong, but I can't bring myself to lie. The truth is, despite trusting Ryan, I still have a physical response to him kissing Lyndel. My fears, unrelated to Ryan himself, are still present.
"It's not that you're wrong," I admit. "I trust Ryan, but... what if he really enjoys kissing Lyndel?"
"He's kissed her before," Vanessa points out.
"He's had sex with her before," Jazz adds.
Vanessa gives me a pointed look. "And he never went back for seconds, did he?"
"That's true," I agree. It's a perspective I hadn't fully considered before.
"And," Jazz continues, "you told me you sensed that Danny felt something for Angel—something more than just chemistry, didn't you?"
“Yes…”
“Which means you have excellent instincts, Mac.”
That is also true. My instincts have been spot on. I just haven’t listened to them.
“See?” Vanessa smiles. “Nothing to worry about.”
“But what if…what if I see Ryan kiss Lyndel, or anyone else for that matter, and I see what I saw with Danny – I see him falling for someone else?”
“Well, that would suck,” Vanessa chooses her words carefully. “But you’d deal with it, wouldn’t you?”
Yes, I would, I remind myself. People deal with far worse every day. I could deal with a little heartbreak. And my friends wouldn’t let me handle it alone.
“We’d deal with it,” Jazz tells me, reading my mind.
Vanessa nods and puts her arm around my shoulders. “Babe, we’ve got your back.”
Jazz puts her arm around me from the other side so that the three of us are standing together. United. I feel the tell-tale prickle behind my eyes and know I am close to tears. I feel so blessed right now – grateful that I’ve found friends like Jazz and Vanessa. Friends like Brad and Matt.
And, of course, Ryan.
I’ve found my place with people I care about who care about me in return. To be so much a part of something in my life is an amazing feeling.
“You guys rock,” I wrap my arms around my co-stars’ waists and squeeze them tightly.
“Aw, we love you too,” Jazz says, squeezing me back.
The sound of Ryan clearing his throat from the doorway makes me regain focus through the thin sheen of tears.
“Am I interrupting something?” he asks.
The smile tugging at his lips suggests his amusement, but I don’t miss the concern in his eyes. There is no way he doesn’t know what this is – that I haven’t just been fretting over his upcoming love scene with Lyndel. I see it all in his expression. And even with my co-stars' arms around me, I feel totally exposed.
Why couldn’t he have arrived just a few minutes later? After I hugged my friends and got my act together?
Of course, Ryan would have known how I felt even without witnessing this moment, but at least it wouldn’t have been written all over my face like it is right now.
Feeling utterly vulnerable, I let go of my co-stars. Jazz and Vanessa pack up what is left of lunch and quickly say their goodbyes.
“How are you doing?” Ryan asks once we are alone.
“I’m fine,” I assure him with a smile. “All good. Move along. Nothing to see here.”
“Mac…”
His look is so knowing that I can’t maintain the façade.
“Okay, so I might have had a very small moment where I got worried, but Jazz and Vanessa were here and talked me through it. Crisis averted.”
I am smiling so hard that it hurts. He reaches out with one arm and pulls me towards him. As he stares down into my eyes, I find I can’t hold my smile any longer. It feels too superficial, and he sees right through it anyway.
“It’s okay that you're not okay,” he says.
No, it isn’t. Because he is wonderful, and he hasn’t done anything to deserve my doubt. He is paying for Danny’s mistakes, and that isn’t fair to him. With Jazz and Vanessa’s help, I’ve been able to rationalize away my fears—something I hope I will be able to do on my own from here on out. I’ll be fine.
No matter what happens, I’ll be fine.
Or at least I would be if he’d stopped looking at me the way he is right now. He makes me feel as if I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.
“What is it about the scene with Lyndel that’s bothering you?” he asks.
I shrug. He already knows my fears and insecurities, and in front of him, I feel horribly transparent. Do I really need to open myself up to him further, so he can see everything?
“Mac,” he says, taking my chin between his thumb and forefinger and lifting my face until I look at him. “Tell me. Please. I really want to know.”
I close my eyes and let the words rush out. “I’m afraid you’re going to fall for someone else, and I’ll be forced to watch.”
Admitting that small and stupid insecurity just about kills me. I am working through it. It isn’t anything he needs to worry about. It certainly isn’t the side of me I want him to see. Even if he knows it is there, I can’t help feeling it is too ugly a thing for Ryan to witness.
“Look at me,” he commands.
I open my eyes as he lets go of my chin and cups my face.
“I can’t imagine ever feeling for anyone else the way I feel about you,” he says. “I need you to know that.”
His eyes never leave mine as he strokes his thumb over my cheekbone. I swallow, feeling my heart swell with so much love for him that it feels as if it is about to burst right out of my chest.
“The idea of not having you in my life makes it near impossible to breathe. I can’t imagine not being with you, Mackenzie. I can’t imagine not loving you anymore.”
My breath catches in my throat, and my body trembles in reaction to his words.
“But if I do stop loving you,” Ryan continues. “I swear to you, I will tell you the minute it happens. I will not let you doubt yourself or me or us or let you wonder and string you along. I give you my word you’ll know right away. We’re still friends. You need to trust me on that.”
I nod. We are friends, and he has always been honest with me. I have to trust him. If I can’t do that, then I need to let him go, and there is no way I am letting this perfect man go.
“I do,” I tell him.
“Good,” he murmurs.
Then he is kissing me, his tongue sweeping into my mouth in a way that is so passionate and possessive he has to hold me up to stop me from melting onto the floor.
I just about sob when he lets me go and leans his forehead against mine. “I love you, Mackenzie. Take that knowledge with you and hold onto it tight.”
And hold onto it I do, through the rest of the week and into the next. I manage to push Ryan and Lyndel’s love scene from my head right up until the day it is scheduled to be shot.
“Are you going to go down and watch?” Jazz asks me half an hour before filming is set to begin.
“Yes.”
Ryan asked me to be there, and since it seemed important to him, I agreed.
“Do you want Vanessa and me to come down with you?”
I shake my head. “No thanks, I’ll be fine.”
“Just let me know if you change your mind, okay?”
“Thanks, I will.”
Jazz nods and leaves me alone, and I do my best to distract myself with a book until it is time to go down to the set.
I walk into the studio and take a seat in the back just as Mitch calls, “Action!”
“You need to forget about Brianna, Stone,” Lyndel says, picking up from where yesterday’s scene ended, right after Brianna and Stone’s massive fight in front of Kayla, over something Brianna incorrectly thought Stone had done.
Brianna is still, in all honesty, playing hard to get, and she is going to suffer for it now. I know my character well enough to know Brianna would be devastated and jealous as hell when she realizes Stone and Kayla had become lovers.
“She’s not here,” Lyndel tells him. “But I am.”
“Mmm,” Ryan says with a smirk. “Yes, you are.”
“And I’ve wanted to do this for so long.”
Lyndel walks up to him and slips her hand behind his head, pulling her lips down to his.
I wait for the jolt to go through me. I wait for my heart to twist painfully. I wait to feel something other than the calm that has filled me after Ryan asked me to trust him. Even as Lyndel unbuttons Ryan’s shirt and Ryan tears Lyndel’s clothing off before throwing her onto the bed on the set, I feel nothing but a sense of peace.
He doesn’t look at Lyndel the way he looks at me. He doesn’t kiss Lyndel the way he kisses me. He doesn’t touch Lyndel the way he touches me. He doesn’t love Lyndel the way he loves me.
And for the first time, I really wonder how Lyndel must feel about that. I don’t know if she still has feelings for Ryan, but it is certainly a possibility. Is it difficult for her to kiss him? To be that close to someone who doesn’t belong to her? I know the feeling all too well.
If it wasn’t Lyndel who had spoken to Women’s Daily News, and if she really does want to fit in with the rest of the cast, I will let bygones be bygones. I will be friends with Lyndel Craig if she will let me.
When the scene ends, I clap along with the rest of the crew. As soon as the lights go on, Ryan looks over at me, and I can see the relief on his face as I smile at him and give him two thumbs up. Hopefully, he can see my resolution, that I finally understand what he’s been telling me all along.
What happens up on that stage isn’t real, but his love is. His heart belongs to me.
***
Just over a week later, I am sitting on the couch facing Star Ellis on the set of Sunshine Mornings once more. However, this time it isn't Ryan beside me, but Danny. Our appearance on the morning show is part of the promotion for the few episodes of Hart's Valley that Danny had been a part of. The first episode that Danny had guest-starred in is due to air this week.
This time around, I feel a lot less nervous. Gone are the butterflies and sweaty palms. Gone is the fear of being thought of as a dumb hick or country girl. I know I'm not. My friends know I'm not. Their opinions are far more important than what a stranger may think of me.
The only thing that makes me feel slightly jittery is the fact that Danny's arm is behind me on the couch, and he keeps touching my shoulder. Even though we haven't spoken since he finished his stint on Hart's Valley, Danny is a little too warm and friendly this morning, giving me a kiss and hug that lasts way too long.
"So, what's it been like for the two of you to work together again?" Star asks.
"It's been great," Danny replies.
Star smiles and shifts her gaze to me. "After the events that unfolded on Junction Hospital, what's it been like for you, Mackenzie?"
"I found it easy enough to move past our history," I say.
Star's smile widens, showing off her perfectly white teeth. "And would that have anything to do with your new, hot romance with Ryan Moore?"
I can practically feel the irritation radiating from Danny at the question, but I ignore him and focus on what I need to say.
"Things were over with Danny when I left Junction Hospital. In the time since, I gained some perspective, and I realized our break-up was for the best."
Star nods. "What would you say to the people who've labelled you unprofessional and crazy for dating a co-star again?"
This interview is supposed to be about the upcoming episodes of Hart's Valley, not my love life. Still, I half expected this, so I smile and shrug casually. "I'm happy. In the end, my happiness outweighs all else."
"Life's too short to be unhappy," Star says.
"Yes, it is," I agree. "I think I'd be crazier spending time worrying about what other people think of me than doing what makes me happy."
Star's smile is genuine. "I couldn't agree more. I mean, he's Ryan Moore."
Danny's outrage is so palpable now that Star quickly drops her smile and focuses on asking the rest of her questions. Danny and I give our answers in a perfunctory manner, and then the interview is over.
"Well, that was fun," Danny says through gritted teeth as we walk toward the studio exit together.
Sympathy and regret course through me, and I am tempted to apologize, but the interview veering off course wasn't my fault.
"You know what those interviews are always like," I say conversationally, trying to ease him out of his bad mood. "They can't resist poking into your personal life."
Danny swings around and glares at me. "No, they can't resist poking into your personal life because you're insistent on making the same mistake twice. You're going to lose it all over again."
My feet stop moving, and I freeze, anger holding me captive. "It was you, wasn't it? You were the one who spoke to Women's Daily News!"
"Someone asked me what I thought. And I told them the truth."
I am so mad that my entire body stiffens with rage. I shake my head, wanting to give him a piece of my mind, but I can't find the words. Who does Danny Westlaker think he is? He isn't even my co-star, and the damn tabloid had taken his words and printed them as if he were!
Moreover, Danny seems totally unapologetic. He knows from our time together that I hated being in the headlines, hated people talking about me. Even if I've overcome this fear now, Danny doesn't know that.
"I'm not going to lose it. And you know why?" I look him in the face. "No matter what happens between Ryan and me, I know he would never do to me what you did. He would never pretend to love me and then break my heart by jumping into bed with our co-star."
He steps forward. "Mac, I said I was—"
"Sorry. I know. And I forgave you, but you can't compare what happened between you and me then to what's happening between Ryan and me now. He's a friend and a lover. You never cared about me, not really."
"How can you say that?"
"Easily. Goodbye, Danny."
When I walk out of the studio and onto Toorak Road, Ryan is standing there, leaning against a parked car. Happiness crests inside me as he walks towards me and hugs me, and I quickly forget Danny.
"Hey," I say. "What are you doing here?"
"I know how much you love these early mornings, and I thought you could do with a surprise."
"You have no idea how right you are," I say, wrapping my arms around his middle. I lay my head on his chest, revelling in his warmth and his scent and everything that makes him unique and special.
I feel the rumble of his laugh before I hear it.
"You haven't noticed yet, have you?" he asks.
I look up at him, and when he motions towards the road, I see the car I bought a few days ago.
"But they said she wouldn't be ready until the weekend."
He looks at me sheepishly. "Brad insisted he give it the okay before you drive it, so I took him to see it last night. When the guy told me the car was ready, I asked them to let me take it so I could surprise you."
Last night had been the first time I hadn't spent the night with Ryan since we started dating. He told me he and Brad had planned a boys' night. I never imagined their boys' night would involve Ryan showing Brad my car.
"You let Bitsy crash your boys' night?" I ask, using the name I chose for my little blue Honda.
He grins. "You owe me."
"Yes, I do."
Through loving Ryan, I found the courage to face down public opinion. I learned to value my own opinion over others. I discovered how to believe in myself again and to trust in myself. I owe him a lot.
Standing on tippy-toe, I brush my lips against his. Once, twice, and on the third time, his lips part under mine, and I allow my tongue to slide over his. The taste of him awakens every nerve and cell in my body, making me more alive and awake than I have any right to feel at this time of morning.
When he moans into my mouth and pulls me closer, heat rushes through me so quickly I think I might combust.
I hold onto his shirt as I break our kiss, trying to stay balanced on legs that have turned to jelly. I am vaguely aware of the people around us stopping to snap pictures, but I don't care.
A picture is worth a thousand words. They can put any headline on this that they like; it is my smile that tells the most important part of the story.