Lights, Camera, Kiss Me (Original): Chapter 13
"It's not you, it's me."
Thanks to AJ and Jenn for their editing suggestions. Thanks to Daisy for pre-reading and for her suggestions. And thanks to all my lovely readers who voted and commented and told me not to rip my hair out. This chapter started out tough to write in the beginning, but it got easier. Hope you enjoy <3
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It was Westlaker who looked up first, and Ryan took a small amount of satisfaction in the fact that the man didn't look happy to see him. Ryan might have resolved to tolerate Westlaker's presence for Mac's sake, but he didn't have to like him. He would never like him – not when he'd hurt Mac the way that he had. Not when he had Mac's love and he really didn't deserve it.
"Moore," Danny said tightly.
"Westlaker," Ryan returned, just as tightly.
Since their first meeting outside of Blainesworth's office, there hadn't been a friendly word uttered between them. The rest of the cast had accepted the other actor's brief role on the show. Well, they had once Mac had explained she was just doing it to get Blainesworth off her case. None of them had been happy about it, but they were all on better terms with Westlaker than he was.
"Mac," Ryan said gently.
"I have to head back to the studio," Westlaker announced.
"I should head back too," Mac said quickly. "Sorry we can't stay."
Ryan wrapped his hand around her wrist. "You can't sit and talk to me for five minutes?"
"I'll talk to you later, okay?" Westlaker said to Mac, pushing his chair back.
Becca came over with Ryan's coffee just as Westlaker walked away.
"Refill, Mac?" Becca asked.
Mac smiled politely at the waitress. "I'm fine."
In other words, she couldn't wait to get out of there as soon as possible – couldn't wait to get back to Westlaker. She moved and he caught a whiff of her strawberry shampoo. Desire swung through him. The urge to pull her into his arms and touch her was overwhelming, but she'd made it clear she didn't want any kind of relationship with him anymore. Which was why he was sitting here, he reminded himself. He had to find out why and what he'd done.
"What's going on, Mac?" he asked her, as soon as Becca had walked away.
"What do you mean?" she responded, not quite meeting his eyes.
"Come on, Mac. Are you really going to pretend you don't know what I'm asking? You won't look at me. You won't talk to me, unless we're on set and we have a scene together. I know you're still hung up on Westlaker, and sure, I don't approve. I think the guy is a fucking moron, and if he hurts you again I'll beat the shit out of him. But I never wanted to stop being friends because of it. Our friendship meant something to me. I thought it meant something to you, too."
Mac couldn't help but be moved by what she saw in Ryan's eyes. He was glaring at her, but she could see the hurt under the surface. She'd never meant to cause him any pain – had never set out to upset him like this, but she obviously had. She'd been so busy looking out for herself, trying to protect her heart and do her best to get over him, that she had avoided him and his every attempt to talk to her off the set for the last three weeks straight.
Ryan believed she still had feelings for Danny, and she had purposefully let him think that, but she was head over heels in love with Ryan. Her feelings for Danny were purely platonic. Maybe Danny was on the verge of becoming a friend, but that was all. She hadn't even planned to have coffee with him today. She'd been complaining about being tired and needing caffeine and he'd told her he was swinging by the café. She'd never thought she'd run into Ryan here.
"I know that headline freaked you out, and you didn't want Blainesworth to think there was anything between us, but our producer hasn't given us a second thought since you agreed to work with Westlaker," he said to her.
He sounded so confused and Mac felt guilt claw through her. Maybe she should have seen this confrontation coming, but she hadn't. She'd put all of her energy into making it through each day without falling apart…and she'd succeeded. She was nailing her scenes. She wasn't letting her feelings for Ryan get in the way of doing her job. All she wanted was to be the professional that she'd failed to be on Junction Hospital. But at what cost?
She loved Ryan, and even though she was hurt by the fact that he would never love her the same way, making him feel as if she didn't care about him at all had never been part of her plan. Of course she'd known he wouldn't like how she was behaving, but she'd assumed he'd just get over it, get over their sudden lack of friendship and move on and start dating again.
Now, however, she realized she'd been idiotic for assuming she could act the way she had towards him for an ongoing period of time and expect Ryan to say nothing. He was never going to let their friendship go without good reason. Keeping her pride and dignity had been so important to her, but she couldn't lie and make him believe that she didn't care about him anymore – that their friendship had meant nothing to her. She had to tell him the truth.
That should send him running for the hills. Once she explained why she'd been acting the way she had been, things would be very clear to him. He would understand why she no longer wanted the same level of friendship they'd once had. Ryan would then let her go and keep his distance. No matter what feelings he might have for her, or how much he might care for her, he wouldn't let himself get involved when she wanted more than something casual from him.
Ryan was bound to be disappointed; disappointed that their friendship would have to take a back-seat for the moment, and disappointed that she'd made such an epic mistake, twice in a row – especially when he hadn't led her on! But she just needed him to see that some distance and time would help her get over him. He would probably be more than happy to oblige, she thought painfully.
"I don't want to do this here," she told him quietly.
"We're not going anywhere until you tell me why we're not friends anymore."
"I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me," she said standing up.
"Funny, I've never had a woman use that line on me before. I hate it even more than I thought I would."
Mac walked up to the counter, knowing Ryan would follow her. She paid for her coffee and Danny's, since he'd bought hers last time, and then she walked out the door of the café. Ryan would catch up with her easily, just as soon as he'd paid for his coffee – a coffee he'd barely even started. She felt more guilt sliding through her, but she'd needed to get out of there.
It was one thing to throw away her pride and tell a man she was in love with him, knowing he didn't feel the same way. It was quite another to sit there opposite him, look him in the eye and watch understanding dawn, followed by the pity and the disappointment that she knew would naturally follow. So, she would do it on the run. If that made her a coward, so be it. Surely she was allowed this one small grace under the circumstances.
It didn't take long for him to catch up with her as she strode purposefully towards the studio. She noticed he'd transferred his coffee to a takeaway cup.
"Start talking," he said to her.
"The headline," she started, quickening her pace. "Three weeks ago you asked me if I was…losing sight of anything. Do you remember?"
"Yeah, I remember," he said tightly. "You said you weren't."
She licked lips that suddenly felt too dry and put up a hand up to shield her eyes from the midday sun.
"I know that's what I said, but I…I lied."
She swallowed, her heart knocking against her rib cage. She continued on before she lost her nerve and took it all back.
"Well, I mean, I didn't technically lie. I hadn't actually lost sight of anything, but I knew you were asking if I was falling for you."
"So, you did lie? Or you didn't lie? I'm confused, Mac."
Dammit, her nerves were completely taking over now. She was losing it. She was losing her resolve to tell him. Her heart was beating so fast that she could barely hear the busy traffic over the sound of the blood rushing in her ears. This had seemed like a good idea a few minutes ago, but now she couldn't imagine going through with this.
He stopped walking and reached out to pull her to a stop along with him. Aware that it was the middle of the day, and interested people once again surrounded them, Mac pulled her arm free as discreetly as she could.
"Are you going to answer me?"
She might not want to go through with this, but she didn't have any choice now. She'd set the ball in motion and there was no going back. Just do it, Mac! Stop being a giant wuss. Like a band-aid. Tear it right off.
Mac allowed herself to meet his eyes properly for the first time since he'd walked into The Red Jacket. "I lied."
"Are you saying-"
"I was falling for you." I am in love with you. Hopelessly, desperately in love with you.
She started walking again, relieved that he didn't stop her and doubly relieved that the studio was only another minute away. This had been the longest five minute walk of her life and she was more than ready for it to be over. It was done. The worst was over, she tried to tell herself. Now they could both move on and past this and he would leave her alone. Finally.
Ryan forced himself to keep moving along with Mac. The sooner they were inside the studio where they could talk freely, the better. He just couldn't believe the last three weeks from hell had been all because his co-star loved him. He'd been twisted up in knots about how he couldn't be with her and here she was, telling him that she'd been falling for him.
His first instinct was to deny it was true, that she was making it up, but why would she? He'd seen how hard this confession was for her to make. It had taken three long weeks for him to get the truth out of her but he finally had. Three long weeks during which she had ignored and avoided him. From the moment the headline had come out she'd had "don't touch me" written all over her.
"Working with Danny will get Blainesworth off my back. That's all I care about."
She'd been more than a little worried over losing her job. While he'd understood that then, this new information put her worry in a whole different light.
Her desire to work with Westlaker hadn't been because she'd had feelings for her ex-boyfriend. It was because she had feelings for you, you moron. She was afraid, terrified of anyone knowing the truth – so scared that she'd let him believe she did have feelings for her ex. Despite the fact that he understood why she'd kept it from everyone else, he couldn't help but feel hurt that she'd kept it from him.
Surely she knew just how much he cared about her. More importantly, they were friends. Good friends. But she'd lied to him. Lied big time. Okay, so according to her she hadn't technically lied, but she'd mislead him on purpose. She hadn't wanted him to know the truth. She hadn't trusted him enough to tell him. And if he hadn't cornered her today he'd be none the wiser. She'd still be ignoring him while he floated around miserably wishing they could be together.
He was suitably pissed off by the time they reached the studio. If she'd actually told him this three weeks ago it would have saved them both some heartache. Still, he had the truth now. He wasn't going to waste another day wishing they could be together when they were finally on the same page.
"Dressing room," he said to her, once they walked through the studio doors.
"They'll need me in make-up any minute."
"Then we'll be quick."
She tried to stop, but he kept his hand around her arm and pulled her along.
"Ryan," she whispered desperately, as the people inside the studio shot them curious glances.
Now he stopped. "We can do this here if you want…"
She pursed her lips together and shook her head as she took in the look on his face.
"I didn't think so. Your dressing room or mine?"
"Mine, though I don't understand what we could still have to talk about."
"Plenty."
They reached her dressing room not a moment too soon. She opened the door and he quickly followed her in, locking it behind them.
"Where's Jazz?" he asked her.
"I don't know. She could be back any second. We should do this another time."
Clearly she hoped he'd let her off the hook and forget about this whole thing. Not likely.
"You should have told me the truth when I asked you."
"Why?"
"Why?" he repeated. "Because we're supposed to be friends. Because I care about you. Because I've been in hell for the past three weeks. Because instead of spending the last three weeks avoiding me, you could have spent it with me."
She shook her head. "All you want is something casual. I can't do that, Ryan. I can't be with you, knowing that our time will be up in three months. That would break me – watching you walk away from me and into the arms of another woman. I know I wouldn't be able to take it."
"I don't want casual, Mac."
"You don't?" she asked him in disbelief.
"I don't," he confirmed.
She had every right to be dubious. As much as he wanted her, wanted whatever it was they could give to each other, he was suddenly uncertain about his next step here. She had more to lose than he did. It was her job they'd be putting at risk. He'd already told her he would walk out of his job if it ever came down to it, and he'd never meant anything more, but he knew that didn't take away her fear. This wasn't his choice. It was hers. He had no say here. All he could was be honest with her about what he felt.
"Listen, I know the past three weeks have been hard on you," she said to him. "And I'm sorry for hurting you, but I think we need to continue putting some distance between us so I can get a handle on what I feel."
"So you can get over me?"
"Yes."
"I don't want you to get over me," he told her. "I want us to be together. I want to see where this goes, but you have more here to lose than I do. I know that. It has to be your choice, but I want to be with you, Mackenzie."
"But you don't do permanent. You've told me that so many times. And you don't lead girls on. I don't understand this sudden change."
"You're right, I've never done permanent."
Over fifty percent of marriages ended in divorce, and the marriages that didn't end in divorce weren't always happy ones. In the profession he worked in there was a lot of temptation. He worked in a job where he regularly made out with some of the most beautiful women in the country, on a weekly basis sometimes. Anyone who was remotely insecure or jealous wouldn't like it.
Despite all these more than valid reasons, Ryan knew there was something else which had always factored into his decision to stay single. And he didn't need Vanessa, the psychologist-in-training, to know why. He wasn't an idiot. No one suffered through the kind of abuse he had as a kid and wound up completely unscathed. The idea of being on the receiving end of uncontrolled bitterness and hatred and anger was about as appealing as stabbing himself repeatedly with a blunt object.
Keeping things light and casual had meant avoiding women's overly emotional and unreasonable reactions. Did he believe all women were like his mother? Ready to turn on a man at the drop of a hat? No. But he was wary. Cautious. Getting heavily involved with someone had the potential to result in a horrid and painful experience he could do without. But there was something about Mackenzie that made him want to believe that he could handle a long-term relationship, that he could take a risk – and that it would pay off.
"But you want to now?" she asked.
"With you, yeah. I want to try."
"Why?"
That was the million-dollar question. He could tell her it was because she was different from any other woman he'd been with. He could tell her it was because he couldn't stop thinking about her, or wanting her – that he hated the idea of her with any other guy. But that wouldn't be enough for Mac. If she was going to put her job on the line – if she was going to risk it all and possibly suffer through the same fate she had on Junction Hospital, she needed a whole lot more than 'I like you a lot.' She needed to know if he loved her.
She was looking at him intently. The guarded expression she'd been wearing since they'd started talking was finally gone and he could see the hope in her eyes. As the seconds ticked by and he remained silent, however, the hope faded and hurt took its place. Damn it, why couldn't he just say the words? Because you don't know if you love her, idiot. You should have figured it out already. It's kind of important.
Knock. Knock.
"Mac, you in there? Open up. Let me in."
Mac turned around quickly, trying to get a grip on her disappointment as she answered the door to Danny. Ryan wanted to be with her – despite of the fact that she loved him. Australia's Romeo wanted something permanent, and he wanted it with her. He wasn't turning her away and he wasn't rejecting her. She should be happy with that, right? God, she wished she was, but she wasn't.
What did you think, Mac? That Ryan loved you after all, the way that you love him?
Yes. For a moment she had believed that, but too quickly she'd realized she'd been dreaming. The words had never come, and they would never come. Now all she felt was crushing disappointment. As much as she wished otherwise, she now knew she couldn't settle for anything less than his love. What he'd offered her was more than she'd ever expected, but it just wasn't enough.
If he didn't love her then she wasn't any different to the other women he'd dated. And if she was no different to the other women he'd dated, how long could they possibly make their 'permanent' relationship work for? His track record was worse than appalling. He'd never been with a woman for longer than three months. He lost interest and grew bored quickly. How long would it be until he grew tired and bored with her?
How long would it be until he lost interest and moved onto the next thing he wanted? How long would it be until his name hit the headlines with the party twins again? Or the next model or actress he dated? Or worse, what if they gained a new co-star and he suddenly took a fancy to her? She would be left shattered. Ryan would never set out to hurt her, but she had to be serious here.
If she gave into her desires now and began a relationship with Ryan there would be issues with Blainesworth and her job. She had no idea if they could really keep their relationship a secret from their producer for any great length of time. And once their relationship was over she might be fired by Blainesworth. Could she still count on Ryan to go in to bat for her when they were through?
It would be the end of her job, just like it had been last time. It could even be the end of her career. And it would be because of a man. If she was going to put her career on the line again surely she deserved a man who loved her the way that she loved him? As painful as it was to admit, Ryan wasn't that man.
She opened the dressing room door, but it took a moment for her to focus on Danny through the tears which had sprung up out of nowhere.
"Hey," Danny said to her. "Are you alright."
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
"I was wondering if you wanted to go over our scene."
Ryan's teeth had been set on edge the moment he'd heard Westlaker at the door, but hearing her ex tell her that he wanted to go over their scene together made Ryan grind those same teeth together. If Westlaker had actually read his lines he'd be prepared. The whole "let's go over our scene-kiss" routine was an old trick Ryan had used a few times, but he didn't want to see Westlaker employing it on Mac right now. He didn't want to see Westlaker employing it on Mac, ever.
Her ex strolled into the room as if he owned it, stopping short when he saw Ryan standing there.
"I can come back if now's not a good time," Westlaker said to Mac.
"Come back later," Ryan said.
"Now's fine," Mac answered at the same time.
Ryan glared at her. Really? They were in the middle of something serious. Okay, so he hadn't gotten around to telling her what she wanted to hear, but was it wrong that he'd wanted to take a moment to think about it? He'd never lied to a woman before and he sure as hell wasn't going to start with Mac. Maybe if he'd ever been in love before, he would have had an answer ready. But he hadn't been in love before. This was all undiscovered territory to him.
"We can talk later," Mac told him, obviously trying to get rid of him.
There was no way Ryan wanted to leave Mac alone with Westlaker. He knew better than anyone how crazy and out of control a kiss could get. The memory of kissing her in her kitchen one Sunday morning sprang to mind immediately. Fortunately, Jazz walked into the room at that moment, joining the party and saving the day.
"Mac, you're supposed to be in make-up."
"I guess we missed our chance, huh?" Westlaker asked.
Ryan was about to make a gloating remark but stopped himself in time. Gloating would get him nowhere. He watched Mac shoot Westlaker an apologetic smile before she turned around and walked out. He didn't miss the appreciative look in the other man's eyes as he ogled her ass. Ryan clenched his hands to his sides and fought against the urge to beat her ex to a pulp.
Maybe Ryan should have been worried less – now that he knew how Mac felt, but he wasn't worried any less. Mac and Westlaker had a history. They'd become awful cosy the past few weeks and it was clear that her ex still wanted her. What if Mac kissed him and realized she wanted him, too? Westlaker would be working on another show soon enough. Being with him wouldn't threaten her career. The thought made him grind his teeth together again.
Once the wave of nauseating jealousy had rolled through him, Ryan thought about how he'd been on edge for the past three weeks. He'd suffered a loss of appetite, insomnia and depression. She may have spent the last three weeks ignoring him, but Mac still brought out a fierce protective streak in him he never knew existed. He'd never desired anyone the way he did her, and he'd never wanted a relationship with anyone before her. Was he in love with her? Yeah, there was a damn good chance that he was – hook, line and sinker.
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Mac is in love. Ryan is in love. Let the fun begin. Please vote/comment/fan, and thanks for reading <3