Lights, Camera, Kiss Me (Original): Chapter 12
"I thought we were friends."
A/N: Eleven drafts. I'm just going to go ahead and repeat that. Eleven. Drafts. Hardest. Chapter. To. Write. Ever! I completed this chapter, in full, three different times. I have to thank my cheerleading squad, AJ and Daisy, for talking me through my tantrums. I love you girls. Were it not for you, I may have never walked back to my computer and got on with the job. Glad I did because the show had to go on ;)
Thanks to LilianeGrouse for her editing suggestions, and thanks to Daisy for all her pre-reading. Dedication is for the wonderful Shana who has read every story I've posted over the past couple of years <333
_____________________________________________
It hurt. The sudden realization that she was in love with her co-star actually physically hurt. Mac felt as if someone had knocked a hole through her chest, leaving her with an ache so strong it was a struggle to draw a breath. She'd been half way in love with Ryan for goodness knows how long. She had desperately hoped that the knowledge and understanding of her own feelings would stop her from falling the whole way in love with him. But no, she'd fallen head first despite everything.
Mac concentrated on trying to breathe as she gripped the table next to her, willing herself to keep standing. She wanted to slump to the floor and cry, but she was still working. They didn't have the go ahead from the director to go home yet. Several minutes had passed since they'd finished the scene and the entire crew were standing around waiting to know if they had to do any re-shooting.
Ryan suddenly appeared out of nowhere with a bottle of water in his hand. Mac was unable to stop herself from sweeping her gaze over the strong chest and body she'd had her hands on just minutes earlier. She watched as he unscrewed the cap and took a sip before offering it to her. She shook her head, aware as she did so that he was studying her carefully.
"Are you okay?"
No, she felt as if she could fall apart any at any moment. "I'm fine."
"We survived," he said to her.
She stared at him blankly, not having a clue what he was on about.
"The kiss," he elaborated.
"Oh."
He'd survived. She had had a shocking, life changing realization, and now she had to deal with the fall-out.
"I mean, I didn't want to let you go," he said, his eyes darkening. "I like kissing you. A lot. In case you hadn't figured it out already."
She felt the automatic clench of desire – the warmth spreading to the pit of her stomach. Her heart pounded. God, the response she had to this man was hectic and crazy and absurdly fast. And the fact that she was in love with him meant she wouldn't be able to control it any time soon.
"Mac, are you sure you're okay?"
She gripped the table tighter as she heard the concern in Ryan's voice. "I'm fine."
She would be fine. Just as soon as she could get out of there and work out what she was going to do about this…disaster – just as soon as she could put some distance between them.
"I'm just tired," she added.
"Let's get you out of here," he said, before calling out to the director. "Mitch, are we done?"
Mac looked over at the director, who was watching the footage they'd just shot on his small monitor. He looked up and nodded, before sticking his thumb up in the universal sign for 'yes, all good'.
"We don't need another take. Go home. Get some rest. We'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning. Don't forget to drop your gear off tomorrow," Mitch said, motioning to the outfits they were wearing.
Relieved they didn't need to re-shoot the lines she'd stumbled over or go back to the studio to get changed, Mac gave a grateful smile to the director and thanked him. All she wanted was to get out the door and away from Ryan. The day had been enough of a rollercoaster without adding to it the realization that she was in love with a man who didn't feel the same way she did – for the second time.
Idiot. Why did she have to fall for men who didn't love her? Men who didn't want anything more from her than just casual sex? Okay, so she knew Ryan valued the friendship they shared. He didn't just want the sex, he wanted friendship as well. Maybe the thought should have consoled her. It didn't. Instead the thought twisted the knife in her heart just a little bit further. She wanted so much more than that from him.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she told Ryan, before starting for the door.
"Wait," he said, reaching out and taking hold of her arm and pulling her round to face him. "Where are you going?"
"Mitch said we could go home."
"How are you getting there?"
"Umm, tram."
If she hadn't been so close to falling apart she might have been sort of amused by the shocked expression on his face.
"You're obviously exhausted. Let me give you a lift."
"Don't worry about it. I'm sure you're exhausted too. You should go straight home."
"I'm not leaving you to catch a tram," he said, sounding horrified.
"I'll be fine."
"Mac, you're so tired you can barely stand by yourself. Are you telling me you'd rather catch a midnight tram than get in the car with me?"
"It's not like that," Mac said.
But it was like that, Ryan thought. He was trying not to feel hurt by Mac's obvious reluctance to accept a ride from him, but it was useless. He did feel hurt. A lot of things had changed in the past few months, but her sudden lack of desire to spend time with him or be around him was definitely the hardest to handle.
Last year she wouldn't have hesitated to let him drive her home. Now, however, it seemed as if she'd rather walk the dark Melbourne streets alone, or catch a tram, than get in the car with him. No matter how well he understood the reasons she had for wanting to avoid him, he couldn't help but miss the easy moments of friendship they'd shared before everything had become so damn complicated between them, especially when he was feeling just as tired as Mac looked.
Of course, part of his exhaustion came from the constant battle he was having with his feelings towards his co-star. He'd done his best to push them down, but when he'd kissed her they'd come raging to the surface again, demanding he listen to them. The kiss had damn near knocked him silly, just like the rest of the day had.
Holding Mac in his arms, kissing her and touching her and then having to let her go had been so hard that he almost hadn't. He wanted her. Not just as a bed buddy. He wanted…more. He needed more. Unfortunately, however, 'more' was out of the question. Mac didn't want to be in any kind of relationship with him. She didn't want to fall in love with him. What Mac wanted was to avoid him.
With her job on the line and Blainesworth breathing down her neck it was understandable, but it still sucked. The idea of Mac becoming his girlfriend had grown on him out of nowhere. Maybe it was the crazy-ass day they'd had; or maybe it was the feelings he had for her which kept surfacing without his permission. He didn't know. And it didn't matter, because it wasn't what she wanted.
It was probably for the best, Ryan tried to tell himself. The chances of them lasting for any period of time in the industry that they worked in were unlikely. To believe anything else would make him delusional. Ryan hadn't yet had a relationship last beyond three months. He might suspect – hope – things would be different with Mac, but he didn't know. He couldn't be certain.
Asking her to risk it all for something that may or may not work out would make him a selfish prick, and despite the fact that his mother had accused him of being one on multiple occasions, he wasn't. Or at least he tried really hard not to be. Which meant his only course of action here was to keep trying to push away the feelings he had for her.
"I just…I could use some thinking time," Mac said to him, looking uncomfortable.
What she meant was, she wanted to avoid him and she wanted to think about Westlaker and his potential guest spot on Hart's Valley. Ryan didn't care how much Mac wanted to avoid him right now, she could survive a ten minute car ride in his presence, surely. As for Westlaker, Mac could think about him when she was home, safe and sound.
Besides, now that the kiss scene was over and done with, and she wasn't focused on reading through her script, Ryan really wanted to talk to her about Danny. Mac had made a comment earlier about the fact that it was her job that had been threatened, not his, and she was right. The way she'd been treated today was more than unfair. He had to let her know that if it ever came down to it, he'd walk out on his job for her. In a heartbeat.
What Blainesworth was doing – the threats he'd made – were wrong, and Ryan had no intention of standing by and letting her be pushed out of a job she'd worked so hard on. No wonder she was so tired tonight, she'd been put through the ringer. And he'd allowed it. He'd stood by and done nothing while she'd suffered. Sure, he might have made it worse by choosing to say something to Blainesworth today, but that didn't make it okay to stand back and do nothing.
"Okay, so, you want thinking time," he said to her. "Let me drive you home and then you can think somewhere nice and safe."
And then I can tell you I have your back and maybe we could go back to being the friends that we used to be. I might not be able to have you in my life as anything else, but I'm not giving up on our friendship.
"It's fine, really."
"Would you just let me drive you home? Please? I'm not dropping this. I'm not risking my extremely talented co-star to public transport, as much as you purport to like it."
The idea of walking to her destination and using public transport, after having to drive everywhere on the farm, had been a novelty to his co-star when she'd first moved to Melbourne. Though he was sure the novelty must have worn off a while ago because she'd always said yes to a lift when he'd offered. Well, until now.
"I need to get a car," she mumbled as he put his hand on her lower back.
Mac closed her eyes and tried not to lean into Ryan's touch as he placed his hand on the small of her back. Her skin tingled from the heat and her heart skittered and jumped. She knew her reluctance to accept a ride from him must have seemed strange, and Ryan had almost seemed hurt by her refusal, but she just couldn't explain why she didn't want to spend time with him right now.
She didn't want him to know that she was in love with him. She didn't want him to know that being around him at the moment hurt so much. She didn't want to screw up their working relationship or friendship any more than she already had. What she did want was to go home and try to forget the fact that she'd fallen in love with her co-star.
Unfortunately, Ryan had made it impossible for her to refuse his offer of a ride home. It would have taken more effort to stand there and argue with him than to give in. The sooner she got in his car and he drove her back to her place, the sooner she could put some distance between them.
She was relieved to find his car right out the front of the pub, waiting for them. Ryan unlocked the car with his remote before he opened the door for her and she slid inside.
"It's been a crazy day," he said to her after they'd been driving for a minute.
"Yeah," she agreed. "It has."
"Especially with Danny turning up."
Anger burned through her. She should have known. She should have known that his insistence on taking her home wasn't just about his concern for her safety. Ryan had been itching to talk about Danny before their scene, and now that their scene was over it appeared he was desperate to continue the conversation. Well, she wasn't having it. The day had been bad enough without hashing over her decision about Danny's guest spot.
"Blainesworth should never have put you in this position," Ryan continued.
"It's been a long day. I really don't want to talk about Danny," she told him tiredly.
"Why not?"
"It's really none of your business, Ryan."
If she hadn't been feeling as if she'd just been duped, she might have worked a little harder to make sure those words had come out sounding less angry and bitter than they had. Why couldn't he drop it?
"I thought we were friends," he said to her.
There was no mistaking the hurt in his voice. She forced herself to ignore the twinge of grief his hurt caused her. Right now she was going to hold on to her anger because it felt a hell of a lot better than the misery and rejection she'd be feeling without it.
"It's my decision," she said.
"Of course it is. I just don't want you to think you have to make this decision alone if you don't want to. Your friends are here for you."
"I know that," she said. "But Blainesworth isn't threatening anyone else's job-"
"And he shouldn't be threatening yours. The headline was a big load of crap."
It was what Mac had deliberately led him to believe when they'd talked in her dressing room earlier, but it wasn't crap. It was anything but crap. As much as she didn't want to, she was going to have to agree to Danny's guest spot. It wouldn't just placate Blainesworth. It would ensure everyone was watching her with Danny, instead of her with Ryan.
Right now she needed to do everything she could to make people forget about that damn headline. Danny was the distraction she needed to save her herself. Her career. Her ass. She could say no, and piss of Blainesworth, or she could say yes, and take give herself some breathing space and help push the headline from everyone's mind.
"But he is threatening me," she told him. "I don't want to lose this job, Ryan."
"He can't fire you when you haven't done anything wrong."
She was pretty sure that Blainesworth would consider her falling for her co-star "wrong."
"Working with Danny will get Blainesworth off my back. That's all I care about."
"I can't believe you're really thinking about agreeing to this."
"It's my career on the line. I'm sure you can understand that."
Mac turned in time to see his jaw clamp shut and a muscle twitch near his eye. She had no idea why it meant so much to him, but he would just have to get over it. Danny would be around for two to three weeks tops, and if she could get over the idea of having to work with the ex who had screwed her over, then her friends should be able to, too.
"I wouldn't let Blainesworth fire you, Mac. I would walk out if he did. You don't have to do this. I'm not going to let anything happen to you or your job."
She was so shocked that she sat there in silence for a full minute. How could he casually talk about throwing his job away like that? Guilt. That was why he was bringing it up. He felt guilty – about the headline, about sleeping with her, about the feelings he had been worried she had for him. That was all this was. He turned to look at her and she stopped staring at him and looked out the windshield again.
It was a really sweet gesture, but she didn't want him to lose his job for her. This was her fault, her problem, and she could do something about it. Ryan might not like her methods, but she didn't need him to get involved, or fight her fight for her because of some misplaced sense of responsibility.
"Listen, I appreciate you saying that, but-,"
"I'm not just saying that. They're not empty words. If it ever came down to it, if I ever needed to, I would walk out on my job for you, Mac."
"But if I agree to Danny's guest spot then neither of us have to face the axe," she said.
"Neither of us should be facing the axe at all, but you've already made up your mind, haven't you?"
"Yes. I have."
He turned the car into her apartment complex, slipping into one of the guest spots before he turned the car off.
"You still have feelings for him."
She could hear the anger in his voice and it was on the tip of Mac's tongue to deny she had feelings for Danny, but what then? Then, Ryan would insist on knowing and understanding exactly why she was agreeing to Danny's guest spot, and she would be at risk of exposing her real feelings. She'd asked Ryan to drop the subject. She'd told him she didn't want to do this now. If he wanted to believe she had feelings for Westlaker, then she would let him.
"Thanks for the ride," she said to him, unbuckling her seatbelt. "I'll see you at work tomorrow."
She opened her car door, hoping to get out of there before Ryan could say anymore, but she wasn't fast enough. He reached out and grabbed her wrist so she couldn't go anywhere.
"Mac, he hurt you. He betrayed you. He led you on. Please don't fall for him again," he pleaded with her.
She sighed quietly, allowing herself to meet his concerned gaze. She just needed to get out of there. "Goodnight Ryan."
***
Three weeks later Ryan cursed under his breath as he walked into The Red Jacket. Bitterness, hurt, betrayal and rejection all washed through him at once as he took in the sight before him – Mac sitting with Westlaker, laughing and talking and drinking coffee. The Red Jacket was where Ryan used to come with Mac, back in the days when they were actually friends.
Despite the fact that the two of them had never actually dated, and despite the fact they'd slept together only once, the last three weeks had felt like the break-up from hell to Ryan. Mac didn't return his calls. She refused to speak to him, except for the times they had a scene together, and even then she wouldn't look him in the eye unless the script called for it.
Ryan had never been more miserable in his life. Mac had told him she was over Westlaker months ago, but she wasn't. He didn't know if Mac had lied about her feelings then, or whether her feelings had just come rushing back when she'd seen Westlaker again. But it didn't make a lick of difference because the point was – she still loved Westlaker.
Realizing that Mac still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend had left him feeling utterly devastated. He was barely sleeping. He had no appetite. He'd messed up several of his scenes last week, and he had no idea how he was going to get through his scene today.
Blainesworth hadn't wasted any time having Mac's ex-boyfriend written into the script. Of course they'd gone for the angle that would entertain viewers most – a love triangle. Three weeks ago Ryan had held Mac in his arms and kissed her. Today, it would be Westlaker holding Mac in his arms and kissing her. Ryan didn't want to watch the scene, but he had no choice. It was his scene too. Stone was supposed to catch them making out.
With the scene looming over his head, he'd taken a walk to clear his head and wake himself up. The café he used to frequent with Mac had never been the intended destination, but somehow he'd ended up here. He'd never expected to find Mac and Westlaker here together.
As if she sensed him watching her, Mac turned around and saw him standing there. Pain sliced through him as he took in the expression on her face. She really wasn't pleased to see him. Confusion finally broke through the surface of the grief and anger that had dominated his thoughts over the past three weeks.
Blainesworth was off her back now. Their producer was ectastic about their performance in the ratings. So, why the hell was Mac still avoiding him? The headline was old news, and since Mac still had feelings for Westlaker, it wasn't like they needed to keep their distance anymore. It wasn't like they needed to fight an attraction when she was so obviously hung-up on her ex.
It was completely laughable that Ryan had actually asked her if there was any truth to the headline. If she'd ever had feelings for him, she didn't anymore. That thought actually hurt so much it made him suck in a breath. He had to get out of there before he did something stupid, like demand Mac talk to him, or put his fist through Westlaker's face.
Before he could turn around and hightail it out of there, however, their usual waitress spotted him standing by the door and sped over.
"Ryan, hey. It's been a while."
"Sure has," he told her, giving her a smile and shoving his hands in his pockets.
"I'll bring your coffee over," Becca told him.
His confusion must have shown because she nodded in Mac's direction. He was about to tell the waitress that he would get his coffee to go, but she darted off before he could.
Ryan was just debating whether he should leave anway when Mac looked back at him again. He stood still as he watched vulnerability and pain flash in her eyes. Then it disappeared when she resumed her conversation with Westlaker. Just what the hell was going on? For a moment he thought she was upset over something Westlaker had said, but she seemed fine now.
The only explanation Ryan could come up with was that he must have done something wrong. He'd hurt her – somehow. He had no idea what it was, but he had to find out. He deserved the chance to apologize and fix it, didn't he? As devastated as Ryan was about the fact that Mac still had feelings for Westlaker, he would do his best to get over it. He might still have the chance to put their friendship right – a friendship he'd been missing far, far too much.
Decision made, Ryan walked through the café and pulled a seat out at the four-seater table where Mac and Westlaker were sitting. He wasn't going anywhere until she told him what he'd done wrong. If that meant he had to spend time with ass-clown Westlaker, then he would. Ryan wanted Mac back in his life – anyway he could have her.
_______________________________________________
A/N: I tore a great chunk of hair out over this chapter. Please make me feel better about the condition of my scalp and vote/comment/fan :D Love to you all. Thanks for reading <3