Lights, Camera, Kiss Me (Original): Chapter 21
"He would never pretend to love me then break my heart."
A/N: Thanks to Jenn and to Liliane Grouse for their editing suggestions, and to Daisy for pre-reading. This is the last "chapter" and I feel like I have a lot to say, but I'll save it for the epilogue which will be posted after the weekend.
Just a quick note. Mac uses a contraceptive. It was alluded to a few chaps back, but since there was such a break between updates, I thought I'd better put it here in my author's note :D
Anyway, happy reading, and I hope you all have a great weekend!
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It took approximately two days after they’d returned from Morwell for Mac’s relationship with Ryan to hit the news. After a brief moment of panic when she spotted the first picture of herself and Ryan on the cover of News Weekly, Mac quickly reminded herself it was her life and her choices. Besides, the first headline was harmless enough: Ryan and Mackenzie: Are they dating?
The following headlines focused on whether Ryan was giving up his bachelor status for good. Was he off the market? Or just having fun?
Every article mentioned the fact that Mac had spent time with Ryan in his hometown, visiting his mother. Since her relationship with Ryan had to come out at some point, Mac wasn’t particularly perturbed by it.
One week later, Blainesworth announced that Lyndel Craig had joined the cast of Hart’s Valley. In the same week it also became public knowledge that Lyndel’s character, Kayla Vermont, would be involved in a love triangle with Stone and Brianna. Immediately the tabloids jumped to the conclusion that Lyndel might be a threat to Mac’s relationship with Ryan.
Mac rolled her eyes as she read the first two magazine covers after the news about Lyndel broke.
“Ryan’s former leading lady returns to give Mackenzie a run for her money.”
And,
“Australia’s Romeo torn between his two leading ladies?”
They were silly, but to be expected. And it was impossible for Mac to feel insecure when Ryan took every opportunity to tell her he loved her. Not to mention the fact he could barely keep his hands off her. Pictures of the two of them out together were splashed across the magazines at the checkout of every supermarket in Melbourne. Ratings were soaring, and Blainesworth had never been happier. In fact, recently he’d appeared overjoyed by Mac and Ryan dating.
All in all, things were going remarkably well. At least until one morning, four weeks after Lyndel’s welcome party.
Mac looked up as Jazz walked into their dressing room with a copy of Women’s Daily News tucked under her arm, her mouth set in a grim line.
“Ryan and Lyndel get close. Worries of Mac losing it again echoed by cast mates,” Mac read out loud as Jazz held up the cover.
“They’ve gone too far this time,” Jazz said.
Mac shrugged and did her best to appear nonchalant, but she felt as if she’d been hit in the stomach with a frying pan. The picture on the cover was one of Lyndel and Ryan standing outside the studio talking. Mac knew there was nothing at all suspicious behind their interaction, it was the purported concern of her cast mates that bothered her.
“You know none of us would say anything like that,” Jazz assured her, pacing the dressing room.
“I know.”
The false claim shouldn’t have bothered her, but it did. Because if absolutely nothing at all had been said, the magazine wouldn’t have printed it. The tabloids had no problem with twisting someone’s words, but they rarely left themselves open to be sued for slander. Which meant that someone, somewhere, had said something, and Mac didn’t like the idea of not knowing who it was.
The only person who stood out in her mind as a possible suspect right now was Lyndel, but while her behaviour over the past few weeks could hardly be described at friendly, it had been professional. Just a few days ago, Lyndel had even surprised them all by accepting Jazz’s invitation to go out for dinner with the rest of the cast.
At the time, it had seemed like the newest addition to the Hart’s Valley cast was finally making an effort to settle in. Now, however, Mac couldn’t help but wonder if the effort had been genuine. If Lyndel hadn’t said something to the press, who had?
“Don’t let it get to you,” Jazz said.
Mac nodded and threw the magazine into the trash. The whole idea of someone she worked with talking about her sat uneasily with Mac, but she wasn’t going to allow herself to be wound up by the article. There was nothing between Ryan and Lyndel, and Mac had no intention of ‘losing it’ again, so Women’s Daily News would be very disappointed if they expected her to. She was tougher than she had been eighteen months ago. No gossip rag was going to scare her into hiding again. If people wanted to believe what was printed about her, then that was their problem, not hers.
Unfortunately, the day didn’t get any better from there.
When the scripts for next week’s episode were handed out, Mac quickly discovered that Lyndel and Ryan would be sharing a lot more than a kiss in a few days. They’d had a sex scene written for them, and even though Mac had done a reasonable job so far of not worrying about Ryan and Lyndel’s characters becoming involved, she suddenly felt as if her stomach was tying itself in knots.
The timing just couldn’t have been any worse. Between the headline earlier this morning and the discovery of Lyndel and Ryan’s upcoming steamy scene, she was worried people were going to start tip-toeing around her and throwing her sympathetic looks in case she cracked at any moment.
When Jazz and Vanessa showed up in the dressing room with Chinese takeaway, Mac knew they were there to suss out how she was coping with the day so far. At least they didn’t bother trying to pretend they were there for any other reason than checking in on her. They got straight to the point.
“I just can’t believe it’s a sex scene,” Vanessa said. “I mean, Stone and Brianna haven’t gone to bed together yet.”
“I can’t see them having Stone and Brianna sleep together any time soon,” Jazz said. “Their romance is a major audience draw. The writers are going to take their time with the build-up, and that includes them throwing Kayla Vermont at Stone.”
Vanessa scoffed loudly. “You mean they’re going to keep Stone and Brianna’s first time up their sleeve as a ratings boost for later?”
“Well, yeah,” Jazz said, taking out her phone and holding it out for them to see while she googled ‘Brione’. “Have you guys seen this?”
“Brione?” Vanessa queried.
“Ship name for Brianna and Stone,” Jazz explained.
Mac could hardly believe what she was seeing. “There’s over a million results.”
“That’s pretty impressive,” Vanessa admitted.
“They’re all over Tumblr and Twitter. And this site,” Jazz said, clicking on the fifth result down, “even has a petition against Stone and Kayla hooking up.”
Mac ran her eye over the list of names, amazed by how many people had signed up to pledge their support for the romantic relationship between Stone and Brianna.
“No one cares about Kayla and Stone,” Jazz said. “But the more they hold out giving the people Stone and Brianna, the more the people want it. Kayla is just there to delay Stone and Brianna getting together too quickly, because Brione are endgame.”
Vanessa laughed. “Okay then. Brione are endgame. But can I ask why you’ve been googling Stone and Brianna?”
Jazz shrugged. “Brad and I were playing around with something on my computer the other night and we just stumbled across this.”
Vanessa suddenly looked sly. “I’ve noticed you and Brad have been spending a lot of time together lately.”
Jazz immediately threw Vanessa a look. “Don’t go there. We’re just friends.”
Mac couldn’t keep the grin off her own face. “Are you sure I haven’t set a precedent for dating a Hart’s Valley co-star?”
“Hardly.”
“And speaking of dating co-stars,” Vanessa turned to Mac. “How are you feeling about the fact Ryan and Lyndel are going to be acting out this sex scene next week?”
“Wow, you just jumped right in there, didn’t you?” Mac asked.
“We just want to know how you’re dealing,” Jazz said.
“I’m dealing fine, thank you. I mean, I knew this was coming. Situations like this come with the territory. I mightn’t like the idea of Ryan pretending he’s having sex with Lyndel, but it’s really not a big deal.”
“Okay, now that you’ve told us what you think you should say, why don’t you tell us how you really feel?” Vanessa said bluntly.
“I’m not happy about it, but I’m certainly not going to lose it,” Mac replied tersely.
“No one thinks you’re going to lose it,” Jazz said gently. “But watching the man you’re in love with stick his tongue down someone else’s throat is never fun, no matter how professional you are.”
“Thanks for that stunning visual,” Mac retorted.
“Especially when he’s had a sexual relationship with that person,” Vanessa added.
“Look, I appreciate the concern, but this is my job, and everything is great between Ryan and me. I have no reason to doubt him or the way he feels about me.”
“Of course you don’t,” Jazz said, squeezing her hand.
“But you’re still checking up on me?”
“Because no matter how good things are between you and Ryan, we thought you might still be a little worried after everything that happened with Danny,” Jazz told her. “Or did we get it wrong?”
Mac desperately wanted to tell Jazz and Vanessa that they did have it wrong, but she couldn’t bring herself to lie to her friends. No matter how convinced she was that Ryan loved her, the physical response she’d had to the idea of Ryan kissing Lyndel suggested there was still a small amount of fear there. And her fears had nothing to do with Ryan. This was her issue; a leftover wound that hadn’t quite healed over after she’d watched Danny fall in love with their co-star on Junction Hospital. Maybe she needed to say it out loud and then just let it go.
“Mac?” Vanessa prompted.
“No, you don’t have it wrong. I trust Ryan, but…but what if he really likes kissing Lyndel?”
“He’s kissed her before,” Vanessa said.
“He’s had sex with her before,” Jazz added.
Vanessa gave Mac a pointed look. “And he never went back for seconds, did he?”
“That’s true,” Mac agreed. She hadn’t thought of it quite like that before.
“And,” Jazz said, “you told me you knew Danny felt something for Angel – something more than chemistry, didn’t you?”
“Yes…”
“Which means you have excellent instincts, Mac.”
That was also true. Her instincts had been spot on. She just hadn’t listened to them.
“See?” Vanessa said, smiling. “Nothing to worry about.”
“But what if…what if I see Ryan kiss Lyndel, or anyone else for that matter, and I see what I saw with Danny – I see him falling for someone else?”
“Well, that would suck,” Vanessa said carefully. “But you’d deal with it, wouldn’t you?”
Yes, she would, Mac reminded herself. People dealt with far worse every day. She could deal with a little heartbreak. And her friends wouldn’t let her deal with it alone.
“We’d deal with it,” Jazz told her, giving Mac the impression her friend could read minds.
Vanessa nodded and put her arm around Mac’s shoulders. “Babe, we’ve got your back.”
Jazz put her arm around Mac from the other side so that the three of them were standing together. United. Mac felt the tell-tale prickle behind her eyes and knew she was close to tears. She felt so blessed right now – blessed that she’d found friends like Jazz and Vanessa. Friends like Brad and Matt. And, of course, she couldn’t forget Ryan. She’d found her place with people she cared about and who cared about her in return. She’d never felt so much a part of something in her life before, and it felt amazing.
“You guys rock,” Mac said, wrapping her arms around her co-star’s waists and squeezing them hard.
“Aw, we love you too,” Jazz told her, squeezing her back.
The sound of Ryan clearing his throat from the doorway made Mac try to focus through the thin sheen of tears.
“Am I interrupting something?” he asked.
The smile tugging at his lips suggested he was amused, but Mac didn’t miss the concern in his eyes. There was no way he didn’t know what this was – that she hadn’t just been worrying and fretting over his upcoming love scene with Lyndel. The knowledge was all there in his expression. And with her co-stars arms around her, she felt totally caught out. Why couldn’t he have arrived just a few minutes later? After she’d hugged her friends and got her act together?
Of course Ryan would have known how she was feeling even without witnessing this moment regardless, but at least it wouldn’t have been written all over her face like it was right now.
Feeling utterly exposed, she let go of her co-stars. Jazz and Vanessa packed up what was left of lunch and quickly said goodbye.
“How you doing?” Ryan asked once they were alone.
“I’m fine,” she assured him with a smile. “All good. Move along. Nothing to see here.”
“Mac…”
His look was so knowing that she couldn’t hold back.
“Okay, so I might have had a very small moment where I wigged out, but Jazz and Vanessa were here and talked me through it. Crisis averted.”
She was smiling so hard that it hurt. He reached out with one arm and pulled her towards him. As he stared down into her eyes, she found she couldn’t hold her smile any longer. It felt too fake and he’d seen right through it, anyway.
“It’s okay that you’re not okay,” he told her.
No, it wasn’t. Because he was wonderful and amazing and he hadn’t done anything to deserve her doubt. He was paying for Danny’s mistakes and that wasn’t fair to him. With Jazz and Vanessa’s help she’d been able to rationalize away all her fears – something she hoped she’d be able to do on her own from here on out. She’d be fine. No matter what happened, she’d be fine.
Or at least she would be if he’d stop looking at her the way he was right now. He was making her feel as if she was wearing her heart on her face.
“What is it about the scene with Lyndel that’s wigged you out?” he asked.
She shrugged. He already knew what her fears and insecurities were, and she already felt horribly transparent. Did she really need to open herself up to him further, so he could see everything?
“Mac,” he said, taking her chin between his thumb and forefinger and lifting her face until she looked at him. “Tell me. Please. I really want to know.”
She closed her eyes and let her words rush out. “I’m afraid you’re going fall for someone else and I’ll be forced to watch.”
Admitting that small and stupid insecurity just about killed her. She was working through it. It wasn’t anything he needed to worry about. It certainly wasn’t the side of her she wanted him to see. Even if he knew it was there, she couldn’t help feeling it was too ugly a thing for him to witness.
“Look at me,” he commanded.
She opened her eyes as he let go of her chin and cupped her face.
“I can’t imagine ever feeling for anyone else the way I feel about you,” he told her. “I need you to know that.”
His eyes never left hers as he stroked his thumb over her cheekbone. She swallowed, feeling her heart swell with so much love for him it felt as if it was about to expand right out of her chest.
“The idea of not having you in my life makes it near impossible to breathe. I can’t imagine not being with you, Mackenzie. I can’t imagine not loving you anymore.”
Her breath caught in her throat and her body trembled in reaction to his words.
“But if I do stop loving you,” Ryan continued. “I swear to you, I will tell you the minute it happens. I will not let you doubt you or me or us, or let you wonder and string you along. I give you my word you’ll know right away. We’re still friends. You need to trust me on that.”
She nodded. They were friends and he had always been honest with her. She had to trust him. If she couldn’t do that, then she needed to let him go right now, and there was no way she was letting this perfect man go.
“I do,” she told him.
“Good,” he murmured.
Then he was kissing her, his tongue sweeping into her mouth in a way that was so hot and possessive he had to hold her up to stop her from melting onto the floor.
She just about sobbed when he let her go and leaned his forehead against hers. “I love you, Mackenzie. Take that knowledge with you and hold on to it tight.”
And hold on to it she did, through the rest of the week and into the next. Mac managed to push Ryan and Lyndel’s love scene from her head right up until the day it was scheduled to be shot.
“Are you going to go down and watch?” Jazz asked her half an hour before filming was set to begin.
“Yes.”
Ryan had asked her to be there, and since it had seemed important to him, Mac had agreed.
“Do you want Vanessa and me to come down with you?”
Mac shook her head. “No thanks, I’ll be fine.”
“Just let me know if you change your mind, okay?”
“Thanks, I will.”
Jazz nodded and left her alone, and Mac did her best to bury her head in a book until it was time to go down to the set.
She walked into the studio and took a seat up in the back just as Mitch called, “And action!”
“You need to forget about Brianna, Stone,” Lyndel said, picking up from where yesterday’s scene had ended, right after Brianna and Stone had had a massive fight in front of Kayla, over something Brianna had incorrectly thought Stone had done.
Brianna was still, in all honesty, playing hard to get, and she was going to suffer for it now. Mac knew her character well enough to know Brianna would be devastated and jealous as hell when she realized Stone and Kayla had become lovers.
“She’s not here,” Lyndel told him. “But I am.”
“Mmm,” Ryan said with a smirk. “Yes, you are.”
“And I’ve wanted to do this for so long.”
Lyndel walked up to him and slipped her hand behind his head and pulled her lips down to his.
Mac waited for the jolt to go through her. She waited for her heart to twist painfully. She waited to feel something other than the calm which had filled her after Ryan had asked her to trust him. Even as Lyndel unbuttoned Ryan’s shirt and Ryan tore Lyndel’s clothing off before throwing her onto the bed on the set, Mac felt nothing but relaxed.
He didn’t look at Lyndel the way he looked at Mac. He didn’t kiss Lyndel the way he kissed Mac. He didn’t touch Lyndel the way he touched Mac. He didn’t love Lyndel the way he loved Mac.
And for the first time, Mac really wondered how Lyndel must feel about that. Mac didn’t know if Lyndel still had feelings for Ryan, but it was certainly a possibility. Kissing him would be difficult for her if she still cared for him. To be that close to someone who didn’t belong to you was painful, Mac knew. If it wasn’t Lyndel who had spoken to Women’s Daily News, and if she really did want to fit in with the rest of the cast, Mac would let bygones be bygones. She could be friends with Lyndel Craig. If Lyndel would let her.
When the scene ended, Mac clapped along with the rest of the crew. As soon as the lights went on, Ryan looked over at Mac and she could see the relief on his face as she smiled at him and gave him two thumbs up. Hopefully he could see that she finally understood what he’d been telling her all along. What happened up on that stage wasn’t real, but his love was. His heart belonged to her.
***
Just over a week later, Mac was sitting on the couch facing Star Ellis on the set of Sunshine Mornings once more. However, this time it wasn’t Ryan sitting beside her, it was Danny. Their appearance on the morning show was part of the promotion for the few episodes of Hart’s Valley that Danny had been part of. The first episode that Danny had guest-starred in was due to air this week.
This time around, Mac felt a lot less nervous. Gone were the butterflies and slightly sweaty palms. Gone was the fear of being thought of as a dumb hick or country girl. She knew she wasn’t. Her friends knew she wasn’t. That was far more important than what a stranger might think about her.
The only thing that made her feel slightly jittery was the fact that Danny had his arm resting behind her on the couch, and he kept touching her shoulder. Even though it was the first time she’d spoken to him since he’d finished his stint on Hart’s Valley, Danny had been a little too warm and friendly this morning, giving her a kiss and hug which lasted way too long.
“So, what’s it been like for the two of you to work together again?” Star asked.
“It’s been great,” Danny replied.
Star smiled and shifted her gaze to Mac. “After the events that unfolded on Junction Hospital, what’s it been like for you, Mackenzie?”
“I found it easy enough to move past our history,” Mac said.
Star’s smile widened, showing off her perfectly white teeth. “And would that have anything to do with your new, hot, romance with Ryan Moore?”
Mac could practically feel the irritation leaping off Danny at the question, but she ignored him and focused on what she needed to say.
“Things were over with Danny when I left Junction Hospital. In the time since, I gained some perspective and I realized our break-up was for the best.”
Star nodded. “What would you say to the people who’ve labelled you unprofessional and crazy for dating a co-star again?”
This interview was supposed to be about the upcoming episodes of Hart’s Valley, not Mac’s love life. Still, she’d half expected this, so she smiled and shrugged casually. “I’m happy. In the end, my happiness outweighs all else.”
“Life’s too short to be unhappy,” Star said.
“Yes it is,” Mac agreed. “I think I’d be crazier spending time worrying about what other people think of me than doing what makes me happy.”
Star’s smile was genuine. “I couldn’t agree more. I mean, he’s Ryan Moore.”
Danny’s outrage was so palpable now that Star quickly dropped her smile and focused on asking the rest of her relevant questions. Mac and Danny gave their answers in a perfunctory manner and then the interview was over.
“Well that was fun,” Danny said through gritted teeth as they walked towards the studio exit together.
A generous helping of sympathy and regret whipped through Mac and she was tempted to apologise, but the interview veering off course hadn’t been her fault.
“You know what those interviews are always like,” she said conversationally, trying to ease him out of his mood. “They can’t resist poking into your personal life.”
Danny swung around and glared at her. “No, they can’t resist poking into your personal life because you’re insistent on making the same mistake twice. You’re going to lose it all over again.”
Her feet stopped moving and she froze, anger holding her captive. “It was you, wasn’t it? You were the one who spoke to Women’s Daily News!”
“Someone asked me what I thought. And I told them the truth.”
She was so mad that her entire body felt as if it was pulsating with waves of rage. She shook her head, wanting to tell him exactly what she thought, but she just didn’t have words. He wasn’t even a co-star for Pete’s sake, and the damn tabloid had taken his words and printed them as if he was! Moreover, Danny seemed totally unapologetic. He knew from the time they’d dated that she’d hated being in the headlines, hated people talking about her. Even if she’d overcome it now, Danny didn’t know that.
“I’m not going to lose it. And you know why? No matter what happens between Ryan and me, I know he would never do to me what you did. He would never pretend to love me and then break my heart by jumping into bed with our co-star.”
He stepped forward. “Mac, I said I was-”
“Sorry. I know. And I forgave you, but you can’t compare what happened between you and me then to what’s happening between Ryan and me now. He’s a friend and a lover. You never cared about me, not really.”
“How can you say that?”
“Easily. Goodbye, Danny.”
When she walked out of the studio and onto Toorak road, Ryan was standing there, lounging against a parked car. Happiness crested inside her as he walked towards her and hugged her, and she quickly forgot Danny.
“Hey,” she said. “What are you doing here?”
“I know how much you love these early mornings and I thought you could do with a surprise.”
“You have no idea how right you are,” she said, wrapping her arms around his middle. She laid her head on his chest, revelling in his warmth and his scent and everything that made him unique and special.
She felt the rumble of his laugh before she heard it.
“You haven’t noticed yet, have you?” he asked.
She looked up at him and when he motioned towards the road, she saw the car she’d bought a few days ago.
“But they said she wouldn’t be ready till the weekend.”
He looked at her sheepishly. “Brad insisted he give it the okay before you drive it, so I took him to see it last night. When the guy told me the car was ready, I asked them let me take it so I could surprise you.”
Last night had been the first time she hadn’t spent the night with Ryan since they’d started dating. He’d told her he and Brad had planned a boy’s night. She’d never imagined their boy’s night would involve Ryan showing Brad her car.
“You let Bitsy crash your boy’s night?” she asked, using the name she’d already given to her little blue Honda.
He grinned. “You owe me.”
“Yes I do.”
Through loving Ryan she’d found the courage to face down public opinion. She’d learned to value her own opinion over others. She’d discovered how to believe in herself again and to trust in herself. She owed him a lot.
Standing on tippy-toe, she brushed her lips against his. Once, twice, on the third time his lips parted under hers and she took advantage of the fact and slid her tongue over his. The feel of him against her, the taste of him, awoke every nerve and cell in her body, making her feel more alive and more awake than she had any right to feel at this time of morning. When he moaned into her mouth and pulled her closer, heat rushed through her so fast she thought she might combust.
She held onto his shirt as she broke their kiss, trying to stay balanced on legs that had just turned to jelly. She was vaguely aware of the people around them stopping to snap pictures as they stood there, but Mac didn’t care. A picture was worth a thousand words. They could put any headline on this that they liked; it was her smile that told the most important part of the story.