Let Me Be the One: Chapter 1

Lainey

Lainey

13 months later…

“I’m done.”

Ben’s words are punctuated by the crack of a ball hitting pins and a shout of triumph. Any other night, I’d be looking around for the bowling lane where the action is, but Ben’s two simple words have me paralysed. The surrounding activity is a colourless, soundless blur as I stare at the man in front of me. He can’t mean it, can he? Oh my God, he does. Of course he does. He never says things he doesn’t mean. But…

“Please don’t do this, Ben. I know it seems bad—”

“Bad? They’re disrespecting you, and they’re disrespecting me. It’s a fucking joke. We’re being made fools of.”

“Ben.”

“No, Lainey. Look around you. Where are they?”

The last time I checked, Lucas and Amber weren’t in the queue at the candy bar like they said they would be. Instead, they were standing off to the side, discussing something in heated whispers, oblivious to Ben and me sitting in our booth, waiting for them to come back.

Amber and Lucas walking away and leaving Ben and me alone together is a regular occurrence. It has been from the start. Lately, though, they seem to forget we even exist. Ben looks mad enough to cause a scene. I can’t blame him for that, but if he does… it’ll be the end of everything. Panic claws at my chest, making breathing impossible as different outcomes of the evening flash through my mind.

“Can’t we just get through tonight?” I plead. “We can deal with it tomorrow.”

Ben brings his palms down on the table loud enough to startle me. “I know you don’t want to deal with it. But we need to. We can’t pretend anymore. It’s getting worse. It has been ever since they got back from their trip last month. They can’t hide it from us or each other. Tell me, Lainey, where are they?”

The note of desperation in his voice has me sucking in a deep breath and turning so I can scan the bowling alley from my seat. I can’t see them anywhere, and my chest gets tighter with every second that passes. Refusing to give up, I stand up and continue my search, eventually spotting two familiar-looking people standing in the shadows outside one of the staff bathrooms at the back of the place. My first instinct is to return to Ben and tell him I’ve found them, but there’s such intimacy to the way they are standing together, I hesitate, my stomach roiling.

On legs that are far from steady, I walk in the direction of the couple. The closer I get, the surer I am that’s it’s Amber and Lucas. I stop abruptly when I confirm the worst. The two of them aren’t kissing or hugging, but somehow, it’s still worse. Lucas is looking down at Amber like she is his world. The intensity in his eyes as he looks down at his best friend is unmistakable, his hand around the nape of her neck and his lips just inches from hers.

Lucas has never looked at me like that. Never. The realisation hits me as if I’m being slashed from the inside out.

I can’t move.

I can’t breathe.

And when a small, pained noise does finally escape me, and Lucas and Amber look up and see me standing there, I know my relationship is over. The regret, sadness, and inevitability in Lucas’s gaze as our eyes lock shreds my heart to pieces. I feel sick, and my throat is tight as tears sting the backs of my eyes.

“I told you,” Ben bites out behind me.

He followed me, and I didn’t even realise. Now he’s seen everything I have. Ben said I need to deal with this, and now I know I must, but I don’t know how. I’m not ready for this. I have to get out of here.

My movements are jerky as I turn and brush past Ben, gathering my handbag and jacket from the booth before bolting for the exit.

“Lainey! Wait!”

I’m not sure who is calling out for me to wait. It could be Lucas. It could be Ben. It could even be Amber. All I know is I have to leave before I lose it in front of all of them. This bowling alley has been one of my favourite places since the four of us started double dating every Saturday night, and now I probably won’t be able to come back here without remembering this night and every time we’ve come here before it.

“Lainey.”

The moment the fingers wrap around my arm, I know it’s Lucas. The tingles and the warmth of his touch give him away. Reluctantly, I turn around and face him.

I’ve fought so hard for us, doing everything I can to hold on to Lucas. I’ve ignored the clang of warning bells at every turn, waved away every red flag, convincing myself I’m a paranoid and jealous version of myself, someone I hate.

As stupid as I feel right now, I’m not ready to say goodbye. The thought that I might have kissed him, touched him—made love with him—for the last time… It. Kills. Me. I’m not ready to accept that despite all the effort I’ve put in, Lucas won’t ever love me the way I love him.

Lucas’s thumb scrolls across my cheekbone, and I have to resist the urge to lean into his caress. Two and a half years with this man and it’s nowhere near long enough. My gaze roams his face, taking everything in. I’ve memorised his mouth and the dimples that appear when he smiles. His strong nose, blue eyes, and wavy light brown hair are unforgettable. I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted him to be my forever.

But he never will be.

“It’s over, isn’t it?” I whisper.

The pain that flashes in his eyes makes my lungs constrict.

“I never meant for this to happen, Lainey.” The misery and regret in his voice are just more barbs to my broken heart. “I tried to fight it, but I lost the battle.”

I want to scream at him. I want to push him and slap him. I want to tell him he’s broken my heart. I want to ask him why he dated me when it was always Amber he really wanted. But I don’t because my pretending prolonged our relationship. This is all my own doing. And attacking him for the way my heart is breaking won’t change a thing.

Placing the strap of my handbag over my shoulder, I look down and nod. I’m not capable of saying anything to him, or of looking at him anymore. My stomach is still churning and my legs won’t hold me up much longer.

“Let me drive you home,” Lucas says softly.

The last thing I want is to spend the next twenty minutes in Lucas’s company, trying to pretend this isn’t one of the worst moments of my life. Besides, I’m sure Lucas isn’t ready to end his evening yet. He probably wants to stay up all night with Amber, talking about where they go from here, and how they take their friendship to the next level. Maybe they’ll even act on the long-denied attraction they’ve felt towards one another for so many years. If they haven’t already.

I close my eyes in an attempt to shut out the crushing pain that thought brings. How do I get home from here? We’re too far from the train station for me to walk, so an Uber might be my only option. Unless…

Ben is standing with Amber when I glance over at him. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that their conversation is very similar to ours. No surprises there. Ben’s expression is bitter, his body tense and his body language unreceptive as he listens to whatever it is Amber is telling him. When she reaches out to touch him, he stands back and says something so harsh that Amber flinches. Considering Ben is best friends with Amber’s brother, their break-up won’t be easy on either of them.

Ben starts stalking towards us, his angry and intense gaze fixed on Lucas. I position myself between the two men. Lucas may have just broken my heart, but I don’t want to see any harm come to him. Ben is all solid muscle from his job in security and he has a short fuse.

“Get out of my way, Lainey. This is between him and me.”

I step forward and place my hand on his arm. Thankfully, he doesn’t shrug it off or step away from me. “Please, can you give me a lift home?”

Honestly, I’ve never been on the back of a motorbike and I’m not particularly keen to get on the back of Ben’s, especially when he’s in such a dark mood. But getting a ride home from him beats the alternative.

For a moment, he looks set to rebuff me, but when he finally looks at my face and stares into my eyes, his jaw tightens and he nods. We’re like mirrors, reflecting each other’s pain.

“Let’s go,” he says, grabbing my elbow and walking me back to the booth to grab his jacket and the helmets before I have a chance to change my mind. Not that I have any intention of that.

The moment we’re out the door, I hug myself against the cold.

“Lainey, wait.” Lucas follows us out of the building and runs in front of us, halting our progress. “Bikes scare the crap out of you. Please let me drive you home.”

“No thanks, Lucas,” I say stiffly. “I can’t spend twenty minutes making small talk about things that don’t matter.”

“Then we’ll drive in silence.”

“I’ll take my chances on the bike, thanks.”

“Lainey, I don’t want things to end like this. Can we at least be friends?”

“Friends?” I snap. “No, Lucas. I don’t want to be your friend. I’m in love with you and my heart is fucking broken. Please don’t ask me to pretend I’m fine with what’s happened between us tonight, because I’m really not.”

He hangs his head, and I have no doubt he feels guilty, but it’s not his guilt I want. It is and always has been his love I’m desperate for.

When he looks at me again, his eyes look glassy in the pale light of the moon. “I’m so sorry.”

Not as sorry as I am. It was a stupid gamble, dating Lucas when he so obviously cared for someone else. A gamble that went on for years longer than it should have.

Ben is hot on my tail as I walk past my now ex-boyfriend. My sole focus is getting on Ben’s bike and getting the hell out of here. However, my newfound courage for motorbikes nearly fails me when we get to Ben’s bike and he hands me the helmet Amber must have worn during the ride here.

“I’ll drive safely,” Ben assures me, taking the helmet back and pushing it over my head.

The ponytail I’d swept my long dark blonde hair into hours ago is now uncomfortably wedged against my scalp. “Thanks.”

Ben throws a leg over his bike and straddles it before turning the engine on and motioning for me to get on. As soon as I’m seated behind him, he revs the engine and I wrap my arms around his waist.

Sitting this close to him, I can smell the leather of his jacket and the scent of his aftershave. It’s not an unpleasant smell at all, but it’s not Lucas’s butterfly-inducing scent, and it simply serves as a reminder that I’m not with the person I want to be with. Something I’m sure Ben must also be thinking. Amber should be on the back of this bike, not me.

“Ready?” Ben grunts at me.

“Yeah.”

I hold on tight as he takes off. We haven’t even hit the main road before I’m regretting my decision to get on a motorbike. If this is Ben driving safely, I don’t want to be his passenger when he’s driving dangerously.

“You okay back there?” he yells.

I nod before realising he can’t see me. “I’m fine,” I yell.

“Can you loosen your grip, then?”

Crap. I’m squeezing the living daylights out of him. Immediately, I comply and try to muster up some courage.

By the time we hit the freeway, I’m absolutely freezing. Thank God I’m wearing jeans and my thickest winter jacket.

The trip should take about twenty minutes, but Ben breaks all the speed limits along the way. It can’t be much more than ten minutes before he turns into my driveway. My extremities are so cold that it’s painful and difficult to get off the bike. I’m grateful no one but Ben is around to see my graceless dismount.

When Ben takes off his helmet, I take mine off and hand it to him. “Thanks for the ride home.”

“It’s fine.”

I glance back at my small but modern and stylish two-bedroom unit before looking at Ben once more. “Do you want to come in for a bit?”

During the ride here, I thought I wanted to be alone. Now that I’m faced with the prospect of having nothing but my miserable and self-pitying thoughts for company for the rest of the evening, I’ve changed my mind. Plus, I’m not quite ready to say goodbye to the only person in the world who understands how I feel right now—someone who shares my pain.

Ben shakes his head. “Thanks, but I want to get home. I need a drink, and I’d rather be somewhere I don’t need to drive home from.”

“You could always crash on the couch,” I offer impulsively. “I have an unopened bottle of bourbon we could christen.”

“One bottle won’t be enough.” His voice is flat, his expression distant. “Sorry, Lainey. I’m going to pass.”

I understand, but I still don’t want him to go. I really need someone to talk to. Sure, there’s Cass, my best friend, but she’s probably tucked into bed already. And Ben looks so defeated, I want to hug him and console him. The only thing that stops me is the thought he really isn’t much of a hugger.

Ben puts his helmet back on and flips up the visor. “I’ll catch you ‘round.”

He’s gone before I can think to ask him when I’m going to see him again. It seems unlikely I’ll run into him anytime soon. His regular hangouts are places I do my best to avoid, and it’s not like we’ll be going on any more double dates with Amber and Lucas.

As I fish my keys out of my purse and let myself into my place, I realise I haven’t just lost the love of my life. I’ve lost my group of people—my regular companions. How many Saturday nights have I spent with Lucas, Amber, and Ben, bowling or watching movies, or going down to the pub? Countless. The four of us have gotten together every weekend for the past year. But those days are over now. I can’t be friends with Lucas anymore. Nor Amber. And I guess there’s no reason for me to see Ben again.

A fresh wave of grief swamps me as I close the front door behind me.

After walking into the dining room, I put my handbag down on the table where I usually work. Right there, next to my laptop, are the first few chapters of the latest novel I’ve been working on.

A loud laugh devoid of humour erupts from me as I pick up the unfinished manuscript. The book is about a woman who fights for and wins the love of a man seemingly caught up in another woman—another woman who just happens to be the hero’s best friend.

I guess this is what I get for choosing to ignore the common cliché. Best friends always end up together, I know that. God, I’ve written that book. When Ben started dating Amber, I hoped my future with Lucas was safe. Despite Ben doing everything he could to win Amber over, it still wasn’t enough. It’s definitive proof that the best-friends-to-lovers cliché beats all others.

I don’t think twice about ripping the bundle of pages in my hands in half. Of course my work is saved to the cloud and my hard drive, but I’m not interested in writing that story anymore. It didn’t work. My heroine was pretending she had a chance, in denial about her ability to make the hero see her as his leading lady. The hero wanted someone else, and my character was foolish to believe he could love her the way she wanted him to. Nobody cares for a fool. Readers will only tolerate a small amount of stupidity.

With a sigh, I sit down at the table, tearing a piece of paper from my notebook and grabbing a pen from the extensive collection I keep in a box next to my laptop. Then I start making notes about a story now circling inside my head.

As my new plot emerges, dark and depressing, I realise I’m not plotting my usual romance. There won’t be any happy ending for my characters, just denial, betrayal, heartbreak, and loneliness.