Let Me Be the One: Chapter 6

Lainey

Lainey

The moment Lucas walks into Dixon’s Local Supermarket, I gasp and drop the toilet paper I’m supposed to be scanning. My heart pounds as he stands in the entryway, staring at me. After a moment, he gives me a small, sad smile and then walks through the turnstile.

“You okay, darlin’?”

Wrenching my gaze away from the aisle my ex-boyfriend just disappeared down, I pick up the toilet paper I dropped and force my attention back to the older gentleman waiting for me to put everything into his environmentally friendly bag.

“Sorry.” I hope my apology sounds sincere, and not like I just ate a set of ten kilo weights. “I thought I just saw a ghost.”

He winks at me. “We all have ‘em.”

I keep a smile pasted on my face as I bag the rest of his items and ring up his total, but all I can think about is the fact Lucas is here. At Dixon’s. The store I’ve worked in since I turned fifteen. Located several suburbs from the magazine I used to freelance at with Lucas until we broke up. There’s no reason he should be here. Unless he’s here to see me.

I spend the next few minutes waiting to catch a glimpse of my ex-boyfriend while absently serving customers. It’s midmorning, meaning we aren’t too busy. There’s no one in line by the time Lucas finishes his shopping and comes to my register with some chewing gum and a packet of salt and vinegar chips. It took him long enough to find two items.

Unable to resist, I run my gaze over him. His light brown hair is shorter than it was the last time I saw him, but the shorter style suits him. He looks good—happy—even though he isn’t smiling. Pain spears through me as I think about why he probably looks so content.

“How are you today?” I ask, aiming for polite disinterest but failing miserably. He must have heard the pain in my voice. I put his items in a small plastic bag. Technically, I should ask him if he wants the bag, but that will only prolong his presence at my register.

“That will be four dollars fifty. Do you have a loyalty card?”

Of course I know he does, but treating him like he’s any other customer is the only thing stopping me from raking my eyes over him again and weeping because I miss him so much.

He goes to hand me his money and loyalty card, pausing for a beat before letting go. “It’s good to see you, Lainey. I’ve missed you. I don’t see you at the magazine anymore.”

“I quit.”

“I thought you might have.”

He sounds so disappointed that I stare at him. “What did you expect, Lucas?” Right now I’m glad everyone else in Dixon’s is shopping and not listening to us. “Did you really expect me to stay and see you there every week?”

“I hoped one day you’d forgive me and we could be friends, the way we were in the beginning.”

“That’s never going to happen. It can’t. Not after you broke my heart so you could be with your best friend—the one you constantly swore you didn’t see that way.”

“Lainey, I’m s—”

“Don’t you dare say sorry again, Lucas. You know I was in love with you.”

I’m still in love with you.

I scan his card and put the money in my register with more force than necessary.

“Have a good day,” I say, handing him his change, card, and bag.

Instead of leaving, he just stands there, looking lost. “I ran into your dad last night. He didn’t realise we aren’t together anymore. After seeing me with Amber, though… I’m pretty sure he’s figured it out.”

Great. Just great. No wonder Dad called me five times this morning. I was putting off calling him back until after my shift, but now that I know why he wants to talk to me, I might have to find a new reason to avoid speaking with him. He won’t be happy I didn’t tell him, and he’ll be even less thrilled I’m not with Lucas anymore.

“I was going to tell him. I just haven’t gotten around to seeing him yet.”

“Lainey,” he says softly. Chidingly.

“You’re not the one who has to worry about disappointing him, okay?” I snap.

He shakes his head and the sadness in his expression tears at my already stripped emotions. “You’ve always worried too much about what he thinks.”

“He’s my father, Lucas.”

“I know he is, but he’s never been fair to you. You should have called him out on that a long time ago. Instead, you just go on trying to please him. And when we were together, you tried to compensate for that supposed failure by trying to please me instead.”

“What? That’s ridiculous.” Isn’t it?

“All the time we spent together, I didn’t know if you were happy because we were doing something you wanted to be doing, or if you were just going along with it because you wanted to make me happy. I never knew what you wanted. You should stop worrying about what your dad, or I, or anyone thinks. You’re an awesome person.”

I can’t breathe as he stands there waiting for my response. During our relationship, he mentioned my desire to please my father on several occasions, but never did he tell me I tried too hard to please him. Now he waltzes into my work, three and a half months after breaking up with me, and tells me I tried too hard to make him happy? That he never knew if I was happy? What a load of crap. If that were true, he should have told me a long time ago. Not that it would have made any difference. The reason we didn’t work out is that he fell for his best friend.

“How’s Amber, Lucas?” I bite out; anger, hurt, and confusion swirling inside me.

He continues to stare at me for a moment before shaking his head again. “I’m not giving up on us being friends one day, Lainey. Because I meant it when I said I miss you.”

And with that he walks away, leaving me to paste a smile on my face and carry on with my job as though he didn’t just drag me back to the past and leave me there heartbroken again and questioning everything.

---

As soon as my shift is over, I take my mobile phone out of my locker and look through my contacts list for Ben’s new number. When we caught up at Barnaby’s two weeks ago, he said we were friends and told me I could call him anytime. The following morning, however, I woke up wondering if I’d pushed too hard for him to tell me we’re friends. Concerned I might have cornered him into a friendship he clearly hadn’t wanted at the beginning of the night, I haven’t called or texted him. Now, though, I really need his advice and support. And for the first time since that night, I feel like I have a legitimate reason to actually test the waters and see if he meant it when he said we’re friends.

I only hesitate for a second before clicking on the call button underneath his name and waiting for the dial tone.

“Armstrong.”

I can’t help but smile as soon as I hear his gruff voice carry over the line. My shoulders drop and my body relaxes for the first time since Lucas spoke to me earlier. “Ben, hey, it’s Lainey.”

“Lainey. What’s up?”

He sounds a little rushed, but not necessarily unhappy to hear from me. I take that as encouragement. “Have I caught you at a bad time?”

“Just about to get on my bike. Leaving work for the day. TGIF and all that. I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“Right. Well. I guess now isn’t a good time to talk, then, but maybe we could catch up later?”

“What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Actually, Lucas came into work to see me today. He said some stuff and I… I just wanted to debrief, but it’s totally fine if you—”

“I’m supposed to be meeting the guys at Barnaby’s later. Do you want to meet me there for drinks beforehand?”

“Ah…” I look at my watch. “What time?”

“Six work for you?”

It’s five o’clock now, and I’m still dressed in my uniform. Plus, I should probably eat something before I start drinking, but I’m not passing up on this opportunity. “Could we make it six-thirty? I need to change and have dinner.”

“I was planning on just grabbing something on the way, but we can eat there if you want.”

The idea of eating dinner with Ben at Barnaby’s is far more appealing than the thought of eating at home by myself. So what if I’ll need to leave when his friends get there? At least I’ll have time to talk to him before they arrive.

I close my locker, nodding, even though he can’t see me. “Yes, let’s do that. I’ll clear out when the guys get there.”

“It’s not like you have to rush off or anything, but the conversation can get… rough.”

And they’ll probably be trying to pick up. I get it. I won’t get in their way.

“It’s fine, Ben. I’ll see you at six?”

He grunts something that sounds like agreement and then says goodbye, and I walk to the carpark smiling the first genuine smile since Lucas walked into Dixon’s this morning.

---

At ten minutes to six, I walk into Barnaby’s and look around for Ben. I can’t see him at any of the tables or booths, nor at the bar. We never discussed whether to meet inside or outside, and I’m not even sure he booked a table. Considering it’s a Friday night and the place looks full, we might need to think about a back-up plan for dinner.

I walk up to the hostess standing at the podium near the door. “Hello, I was wondering if there was a reservation for Armstrong or Campbell tonight?”

“Let me check for you.” She scans her finger down the list of names in front of her before looking back at me and giving me an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I don’t see either of those names on the list.”

“Oh. I don’t suppose you have a table for two, do you? I know it’s short notice, and it’s a Friday night, but…”

She consults her book and then looks behind her. “Let me just check with someone first.”

I keep my fingers crossed as she walks away to talk to one of the waitresses before coming back. “You’re in luck. There’s a booth at the back that’s just being cleared.”

“Fantastic.” I smile at her. “Thank you so much.”

“Come this way.”

She leads me to a booth that would comfortably seat four people and I sit on the side that allows me to see the door.

“Someone will be by with your menu shortly. Feel free to look over the wine list while you wait. We have a great selection.”

As promised, a waitress comes over to read me the specials and ask me for my drink order, but I tell her I’ll wait. Then I divide my time between looking through the menu and watching the door for Ben. Every time someone comes through the door, I’m alert and ready to stand up and wave him over.

Just as I’ve picked out what I want to eat, Ben walks in wearing a white short sleeved collared shirt, black pants, a belt, and dress shoes. There’s a bit of scruff covering his jaw, but the eyebrow piercing is gone today and he’s clearly had a haircut in the two weeks since I last saw him. It isn’t overly short, but it doesn’t look as messy. He’s tall and muscled, and I’m not the only woman who notices his arrival. After seeing me stand and wave, he nods and points me out to the hostess.

I remain standing as he starts walking towards me, but when he gets to the table, I sit down so I don’t reach out and wrap my arms around him. As much as I want to hug him, Ben isn’t big on showing or receiving affection. I remember Amber once telling me that Ben was never hugged as a child and didn’t really know how to handle displays of affection outside the bedroom. Unfortunately, this fact only makes me want to hug him more.

“Thanks for having dinner with me,” I say instead.

He sits down opposite me. “What are friends for? Besides, it sounded like you needed to talk.”

“I do.”

The same waitress who came by earlier walks up to the table. “Can I get you something to drink now?”

“One glass of the house Chardonnay, please,” I say.

“I’ll take a Rooks,” Ben says.

“Are you two ready to order?”

Ben looks at me. “Do you know what you want?”

“Yes, but I’ve had time to look at the menu. Do you need time?”

He shakes his head and then hands his menu to the waitress, motioning for me to give her my order first.

“So, Lucas dropped by to see you?” he asks me after the waitress has taken both of our orders and walked away.

“Yes. You know I quit my job at the magazine to avoid him. But then today he just shows up out of the blue and tells me he missed me. Can you believe it?”

Ben shakes his head. “Reminds me of Amber. She keeps asking Duncan if I’m still mad at her. Of course I’m still pissed. I’ll never be over her. Is it any wonder I’m avoiding their family gatherings?”

“I know what you mean. Lucas says he wants to be friends. That would be fine if he hadn’t broken my heart and I wasn’t still in love with him. He wants to put it all in our past, but it’s not my past yet. Cass has been dragging me out these past couple of weeks and hinting every so often I should start dating again, but I can’t when I’m still hung up on him.”

“I get it, Lainey.”

I know he does. He’s the only person who does.

“Telling me he missed me wasn’t the only thing he said, though.” I look down at my wine, twirling the stem and rotating the glass in front of me.

“What other bullshit did he spin you?”

There’s never been much love lost between Ben and Lucas. When Ben first started dating Amber, Lucas hated it and was standoffish. But when I refused to listen to Lucas badmouth him and embraced and looked forward to Ben’s presence, Lucas made more of an effort to get along with him. Perhaps not enough, though. The look of sheer hatred burning in Ben’s eyes when I look back up at him makes me really glad I’ve never been on Ben’s bad side.

“Dad saw Lucas and Amber together last night.”

Ben’s expression remains blank. “And?”

“And, I hadn’t told my father about Lucas and I breaking up.”

He looks perplexed. “Why not?”

“Because Dad liked him so much.”

“You should stop worrying about what your dad, or I, or anyone thinks. You’re an awesome person.”

“Shit.”

“I know I should have told him. It’s just… it was nice to talk to Dad and not hear about all the things I do to disappoint him.”

“Is that why you don’t tell your family about your writing? You’re afraid they’re going to be disappointed?”

It is. He’s right. But I’m kind of stunned he’s put it together like that when we’re not even talking about my writing. It’s further proof that Ben really does listen to everything I say. Warmth spreads through my chest. Why did he try to tell me I don’t want him as a friend? He’s a great friend.

“Trust me,” I say. “They really would be disappointed. My father thinks romance novels are trash. He thinks they’re right up there with pornography. Actually, he probably thinks they’re worse than pornography. He hates the fact that I write. He never was happy I worked for the magazine. Going out with Lucas was the first thing I did in my life that my dad approved of. I didn’t want to give that up.”

Lucas has a degree in Journalism and is halfway through a law degree. Dad hoped Lucas would become a lawyer, and that was enough to give him the stamp of approval.

“So Lucas just turns up at work today to give you a hard time over it?” His voice is full of disgust.

“It wasn’t… He didn’t give me a hard time. But he was… he said something that really messed with my head.”

“Because he couldn’t be satisfied with just telling you he’d spilled the beans to your dad.”

“I think he was trying to help me.”

“How?”

“He told me I tried too hard to please him because I couldn’t please my dad. He said he never knew if I was happy while we were together. He wondered if I was just trying to please him by going along with whatever he wanted.”

Ben sits back in his booth, running a hand over his jaw. “What do you think?”

“At first I wanted to deny it. I still want to deny it now. And I’m so angry that he brought it up with me today, instead of saying something about it while we were actually dating. But the more I think about it…”

“You think he’s right.”

“It doesn’t matter if he is, though, does it? It doesn’t change anything. It wouldn’t have changed anything while we were dating. He was always going to wind up with Amber, wasn’t he?”

“Probably. But this shit about you pleasing your dad needs to stop. Worry about pleasing yourself. That’s all that matters.”

“But …”

“There are no buts, Lainey. You could spend the rest of your life trying to get your father’s approval and never get it. Trust me on that one, it’s a waste of time. No matter how hard I tried as a kid, my father told me I’d never amount to anything. Last time I saw him, he told me I’m a waste of space who should have been aborted.”

“Ben, that’s horrible!”

“I don’t talk to him anymore. Nothing I do in this lifetime will change his mind, so I decided I wasn’t going to care what he thought of me. What’s the point in caring? It’s not going to change his opinion of me.”

I’ve always known Ben doesn’t have a great relationship with his father, but I never knew his father’s animosity ran quite so deep.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “It must have been rough; growing up with a father like that.”

“I could say the same to you. You have your writing and your books, and your arts degree. More importantly, you’re a good person. If your dad can’t see that, he’s an idiot.”

His harsh words shock me. “He’s not an idiot, Ben.”

“Yeah, he is, especially because he can’t see how much he’s hurting you. You bent over backwards trying to make Lucas happy, doing everything he wanted you to do, because you were desperate for someone’s approval.”

“So you agree with Lucas?” My voice is thick with emotion. “I did try too hard to please him?”

“I never really thought about it until you brought it up tonight. But looking back, yeah, I think you tried too hard. There were times when I questioned why you’d do the things you did for him. At the time, I just put it down to your peace-loving nature, but now I reckon it was more than that. You wanted a man’s approval and you put that all on Lucas.”

Tears prick the backs of my eyes and my heart drops to my feet as the heavy truth of Ben’s words sinks in. I did plenty of things for Lucas that I didn’t want to do while we were together—things I definitely didn’t enjoy. At the time, I told myself I was compromising for the sake of the relationship, but he didn’t respect me or appreciate me for it.

And he isn’t the first boyfriend I bent over backwards for, either. I did plenty of things for the boyfriends I had before Lucas, too.

When I finished my BA in Arts and never applied to be accepted into a Doctor of Medicine, I knew I was disappointing Dad and yet I did it anyway. I thought facing that fear had broken through the ceiling of needing his approval, but I was wrong. I’m still afraid of disappointing him, and I’m still avoiding telling him things about my life because I know he won’t be happy.

“I’m sorry for upsetting you.” Ben leans back in the booth, crosses his arms and watches me as if I’m a ticking time bomb that might explode at any moment. “You know I just say what I think. That’s who I am.”

He sounds so defensive.

“It’s fine. It’s your opinion and I asked for it. I respect it.”

Ben has always been honest with me, and I’ve always appreciated the fact he tells me things straight. Something Lucas never did. Until it was too late, anyway.

“You need to be more like me, Lainey. Toughen up a bit. Learn how to not care, just like I did.”

“I wish I could. But I’m not sure how to.”

Or if it’s reasonable to expect to. Is it wrong I want my only living parent to be proud of me?

“The sooner you realise you can’t spend your life making everyone happy, the better off you’ll be. I’m telling you, not giving a shit is the only way to go.” He tips his beer in my direction before taking a sip.

“You really don’t care at all what people think?”

“The only people I care about are my guys, Seb and Duncan. They’re my family—the family I chose. I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. I don’t need anyone else to like me.”

“Except Amber,” I remind him.

“It was a mistake to believe Amber might see anything in me. See?” he places the bottle back on the table with a thump. “I let myself care—tried to convince myself I could make someone like her happy—and where did that get me? Screwed over and messed up. Not caring is the best way to go. The only way to go.”

He says that, but I can hear the bitterness and the pain behind his words. He does care what she thinks. How can he not when he’s still in love with her? And I think he still cares what his father thinks, too. He’s just doing his best to convince himself he doesn’t because it hurts him less. Self-preservation is his number one priority. I can’t blame him for wanting to avoid feeling rejected, but he’s wrong about Amber not seeing anything in him. He has a lot to offer without needing to change a thing.

I put my hand on top of his. “It wasn’t wrong to think you could make her happy, Ben. You’re…” I can’t say he’s a great guy because he simply won’t believe me.

Ben shifts in his seat, pulls his hand out from under mine, and folds his arms over his chest. “I’m what?”

“My life is better with you in it. And that night that Lucas broke up with me, I hated the thought that I probably wouldn’t be hanging out with you anymore. You’re someone I want to talk to, someone who makes me feel better. You’re someone who tries to understand me and tells me exactly how things are. You’re… you matter to me. I’m glad I met you, and I’m even gladder we’re friends.”

It’s a huge confession for me and Ben is sitting there, staring at me as though I’ve just told him I think he’s God. Clearly, he isn’t used to being appreciated. Yet again, I feel sorry for young Ben—the one who grew up with a father who seemingly couldn’t stand him.

“Angus burger and grilled salmon. Enjoy.”

The waitress puts our dinner down in front of us and walks away. As soon as she’s gone, Ben picks up his burger. “I’m glad, too,” he says gruffly. “I’m glad we’re friends.”

He almost looks embarrassed to say it, yet I feel warmth curling through me in response.

I smile and pick up my wine, holding it out to him. “To our friendship.”

“To our friendship,” he says softly, picking up his beer and gently touching my drink with his.