Lights, Camera, Kiss Me: Chapter 12
Thought We Were Friends
❤️Mac❤️
It hurts. The realization that I am in love with my co-star physically hurts. I feel as if someone has punched a hole through my chest, leaving me with an ache so strong it's a struggle to breathe. How long have I been in love with Ryan? I had desperately hoped that the knowledge of my own feelings would stop me from falling completely for him. But no, I've done that despite everything.
I concentrate on trying to breathe as I grip the table next to me, willing myself to keep standing. I want to slump to the floor and cry, but there are people around me. We don't have the go-ahead from the director to go home yet. Since finishing the scene several minutes ago, the entire crew is standing around waiting for his cue.
Ryan suddenly appears out of nowhere with a bottle of water in his hand. I am unable to stop my gaze from wandering over his chest and body – to think that I just had my hands on them minutes earlier. I watch as he unscrews the cap and takes a sip from the bottle. He offers it to me, and I shake my head, aware as I do so that he is studying me.
"Are you okay?"
No, I feel as if I could fall apart at any moment. "I'm fine."
"We survived," he says.
I stare at him blankly, not knowing what he's on about.
"The kiss," he says.
"Oh."
He survived. I've just had a shocking, life-changing revelation, and now I have to deal with the fallout.
"I mean, I didn't want to let you go," Ryan's eyes darken. "I like kissing you. A lot. In case you hadn't figured it out already."
I feel the automatic clench of desire at his words—a warmth that spreads to the pit of my stomach. My heart pounds in my ears. God, the response I have to this man is unbelievable.
"Mac, are you sure you're okay?"
I grip the table tighter as I hear the concern in Ryan's voice. "I'm fine."
I will be fine. Just as soon as I get out of here and work out what I am going to do about this... disaster. I know for a fact that I need to put some distance between us.
"I'm just tired," I add.
"Let's get you out of here," Ryan says, before calling out to the director. "Mitch, are we done here?"
I look over at the director, who is watching the footage we just shot on his small monitor. He glances up and nods, before sticking his thumb up.
"We don't need another take. Go home. Get some rest. We'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning. Don't forget to drop your gear off tomorrow," Mitch says, motioning to our outfits.
I flash a grateful smile at Mitch. All I want to do right now is to get out the door and away from Ryan. The day has been enough of a rollercoaster without any more of it adding to my emotional turbulence. For the second time in my life, I am in love with a man who doesn't feel the same way I do.
Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Falling for men who don't want anything more from me than just casual sex? Okay, so Ryan is different, I know he values our friendship too. I should feel consoled by this, shouldn't I? Instead, the thought is like a knife through my heart. How can I lie to myself? I want so much more than that from him.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I tell Ryan, before heading for the door.
"Wait," Ryan reaches out and grabs hold of my arm. He pulls me round to face him. "Where are you going?"
"Mitch said we could go home."
"How are you getting there?"
"Umm, tram."
If I hadn't been so close to falling apart, I might have been sort of amused by the stunned expression on his face.
"You're obviously exhausted. Let me give you a lift."
"Don't worry about it. I'm sure you're exhausted too. You should go straight home."
"I'm not leaving you to catch a tram," he says, sounding horrified.
"I'll be fine."
"Mac, you're so tired you can barely stand by yourself. Are you telling me you'd rather catch a midnight tram than get in the car with me?"
"It's not like that," I say.
✯Ryan✯
But it is like that. I’m trying not to feel hurt by Mac's obvious reluctance to accept a ride from me, but it is useless. I do feel hurt. A lot of things have changed in the past few months, but her sudden lack of desire to be around me is definitely the hardest to handle.
Last year, she wouldn't have hesitated to let me drive her home. Now, it seems as if she would rather walk the dark Melbourne streets alone or catch a tram by herself than get in the car with me. I know she has her reasons, but I can't help but miss the easy moments of friendship we shared before everything became so damn complicated between us.
Of course, part of my exhaustion also comes from this constant battle of having to fight my feelings towards her. I've done my best to push them down, but when we locked lips just now, they came raging to the surface again. The kiss damn near knocked me silly, just like the rest of the day had.
Holding Mac in my arms, and then having to let her go, was so hard that I almost didn't. I want her. Not just as someone to go to bed with. I want...more. The kind of 'more' that feels impossible, especially when Mac is trying to do everything in her power to avoid me.
With her job on the line and Blainesworth breathing down her neck, I understand her reasons, but it still sucks. The idea of Mac becoming my girlfriend has grown in my mind out of nowhere. Maybe it's the crazy-ass day, or maybe it's the feelings that keep surfacing no matter how hard I try to push them away. But it doesn't matter now, does it? It's not what she wants.
It's probably for the best. The chances of us lasting for any period of time in the industry that we work in are unlikely. To believe otherwise makes me delusional. I haven't yet had a relationship that lasted beyond three months. I might hope for things to be different with Mac, but how could I be sure?
Asking her to risk it all for something that may or may not work out would make me a selfish prick, and though Mum has accused me of being one on multiple occasions, I'm not. Or at least I try really hard not to be.
"I just... I could use some thinking time," Mac looks uncomfortable.
What she means is, she wants to avoid me, and she wants to think about Westlaker and his potential guest spot on Hart's Valley. I don't care how much Mac wants to avoid me. She can survive a ten-minute car ride in my presence, surely. As for Westlaker, Mac can think about him when she is home, safe and sound.
Besides, I really want to talk to her about Danny. I know Mac said that her job would be threatened by this, not mine. She’s not wrong. The way Blainesworth treated her today has been more than unfair. And I've stood by and allowed it. I want to let Mac know that if it ever comes down to it, I'll walk out on my job for her. In a heartbeat.
I will never allow Blainesworth to put her through the ringer again.
"Okay, so, you want thinking time," I say. "Let me drive you home, and then you can think somewhere nice and safe."
And then I can tell you I have your back, and maybe we can go back to being the friends that we used to be. I may not be able to have you in my life as anything else, but I'm not giving up on our friendship.
"It's fine, really."
"Would you just let me drive you home? Please? I'm not dropping this. I'm not risking my extremely talented co-star to public transport, as much as you purport to like it."
The idea of using public transport, after needing to drive everywhere on the farm, had been a novelty to Mac when she first moved to Melbourne. Though I am sure the novelty must have worn off now because she always said yes to a lift when I offered. Well, until now.
"I need to get a car," she mumbles as I place my hand on her lower back.
❤️Mac❤️
I close my eyes, trying not to lean into his touch. The warmth of his palm sends tingles through my skin, but I can't let myself give in to it. Ryan seemed hurt by my refusal, his jaw tightening when I turned down his offer. I know it must seem strange to him why I don't want to spend time with him right now, but I can't explain the turmoil inside me. I can't let him know that I'm in love with him, that being around him hurts so much. I don't want to jeopardize our working relationship or our friendship any further than I already have.
All I want is to go home and try to forget the fact that I'm in love with Ryan Moore. The sooner I get into his car and he drives me back to my place, the sooner I can put some distance between us.
I'm relieved to see his car parked right in front of the pub. Ryan unlocks it with his remote before opening the door for me, and I slide inside.
"It's been a crazy day," he says after we've been driving for a minute.
"Yeah," I agree. "It has."
"Especially with Danny showing up."
Anger flares up inside me. I should have known that his insistence on taking me home wasn't purely about concern for my safety. Ryan has been itching to talk about Danny ever since he found out about Danny's guest spot. As if the day isn't bad enough already.
"Blainesworth should have never put you in this position," Ryan continues.
"It's been a long day. I really don't want to talk about Danny," I say wearily.
"Why not?"
"It's really none of your business, Ryan."
I could have tried to soften my words, but I'm furious with him. Why can't he drop it?
"I thought we were friends," he says.
There's unmistakable hurt in his voice, but I force myself to ignore it. I refuse to look at him, holding onto my anger. Anger feels so much better than the ache of rejection and misery.
"It's my decision," I say firmly.
"Of course it is. I just don't want you to think you have to make this decision alone if you don't want to. Your friends are here for you."
"I know that," I reply. "But Blainesworth isn't threatening anyone else's job—"
"And he shouldn't be threatening yours. The headline was a load of crap."
That's what I deliberately led him to believe earlier when we talked in my dressing room, but it's not crap. It's anything but crap. Even though I hate to admit it, I'm going to have to agree to Danny's guest spot. I'm not doing it just to appease Blainesworth.
I need to do everything I can to make people forget about that damn headline. Danny is the distraction I need to save myself, my career, my reputation. I can say no and defy Blainesworth, or I can say yes and ensure everyone is watching me with Danny instead of me with Ryan.
"But he is threatening me," I say. "I don't want to lose this job, Ryan."
"He can't fire you when you haven't done anything wrong."
I'm pretty sure that Blainesworth would consider falling for my co-star "wrong."
"Working with Danny will get Blainesworth off my back. That's all I care about."
“I can't believe you're seriously considering agreeing to this," Ryan says, his voice filled with disbelief.
"It's my career on the line. I'm sure you can understand that," I reply, turning to face him.
I notice his jaw clench and a muscle twitch under his eye. I don't know why this situation matters so much to him, but Ryan needs to let go. Danny will only be around for a couple of weeks, at most. If I can handle working with my ex who betrayed me, my friends will have to handle it too.
"I wouldn't let Blainesworth fire you, Mac. I would walk out if he did. You don't have to do this. I'm not going to let anything happen to you or your job," Ryan says, determination in his voice.
His words leave me stunned, and I sit there in silence for a full minute. How can he casually talk about throwing his job away for me? Guilt. That must be the reason. Ryan feels guilty about the headline, about sleeping with me, and about the feelings I might have developed for him.
I turn my face away, staring out the windshield, trying to process everything. It's a sweet gesture, but I don't want him to sacrifice his job for me. This is my mess, and I can handle it. Ryan may not agree with my choices, but I don't want him to feel obligated to fight my battles.
"Listen, I appreciate you saying that, but—" I begin.
"I'm not just saying that. They're not empty words. If it ever came down to it, if I ever needed to, I would walk out on my job for you, Mac," he insists.
"But if I agree to Danny's guest spot, then neither of us has to worry about those consequences," I counter.
"Neither of us should be facing consequences at all, but you've already made up your mind, haven't you?" Ryan's voice reveals disappointment.
"Yes, I have," I admit, feeling a mix of determination and regret.
The car turns into my apartment complex, pulling into a guest parking spot before Ryan shuts off the engine.
"You still have feelings for him," Ryan says, his voice filled with anger. It's tempting to deny it, to tell him that I don't have feelings for Danny Westlaker, but I know where that conversation will lead. Ryan will keep pushing until he understands the reasons behind my agreement, and I'll be at risk of exposing my true feelings. If he wants to believe I have feelings for Westlaker, then so be it.
"Thanks for the ride," I say, unbuckling my seatbelt. "I'll see you at work tomorrow."
I open the car door, hoping to make a quick escape, but I'm not fast enough. Ryan reaches out and grabs my wrist, his grip firm.
"Mac, he hurt you. He betrayed you. He led you on. Please don't fall for him again," he pleads, his eyes filled with concern.
I let out a quiet sigh, meeting his troubled gaze. I just need to get out of this situation.
"Goodnight, Ryan," I say, hoping to end the conversation and escape to the safety of my apartment.
✯Ryan✯
Three weeks later, I curse under my breath as I walk into The Red Jacket. The sight before me hits me like a punch to the gut—Mac sitting with Westlaker, laughing and talking over coffee. This used to be the place where Mac and I came together, back when we were still friends.
The past three weeks have felt like the worst breakup of my life, even though we were never officially together. Mac hasn't returned my calls, refuses to speak to me except when we have a scene together, and avoids eye contact unless the script demands it. I've never been more miserable.
She told me she was over Westlaker months ago, but clearly, that's not the case. I don't know if she lied about her feelings then or if they resurfaced when she saw him again. Either way, it doesn't change the fact that it hurts like hell.
Realizing that Mac still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend has left me utterly devastated. I can't sleep properly, I've lost my appetite, and I messed up several scenes last week. I don't know how I'm going to get through this scene today.
Of course, Blainesworth wasted no time incorporating Mac's ex-boyfriend into the script. They're going for the angle that will entertain viewers the most—a love triangle. Just three weeks ago, I held Mac in my arms and kissed her. Today, it'll be Westlaker doing the same. I don't want to witness the scene, but I have no choice. Stone is supposed to catch them making out.
Feeling overwhelmed by the impending scene, I decide to take a walk to clear my head. I never intended to end up at the café Mac and I used to frequent, but somehow, that's where I find myself. I certainly didn't expect to see Mac and Westlaker together here.
As if she senses my gaze, Mac turns around and locks eyes with me. The expression on her face reveals that she's far from pleased to see me. Confusion mingles with my grief and anger. Blainesworth is off her back now, and Hart's Valley's ratings are through the roof. So why is Mac still avoiding me? The headline is old news, and if she still has feelings for Westlaker, we don't need to keep our distance anymore. We don't need to fight an attraction when she's clearly still hung up on her ex.
It's ridiculous to think that just three weeks ago, I asked her about the truth behind the headline. If she ever had any feelings for me, they're certainly gone now. That realization hurts so much that it steals my breath. I need to leave before I do something foolish, like demand answers from Mac or confront Westlaker.
But before I can make my escape, our usual waitress spots me and rushes over.
"Ryan, hey! It's been a while," Becca greets me.
"Sure has," I reply, forcing a smile and stuffing my hands into my pockets.
"I'll bring your coffee over," she says before hurrying off.
My inner turmoil must have been noticeable because Becca nods in Mac's direction. I consider telling the waitress that I'll take my coffee to go, but she's already gone.
I contemplate leaving when Mac glances back at me again. For a brief moment, vulnerability and pain flicker in her eyes before disappearing, and she resumes her conversation with Westlaker. What the hell? Is she upset about something he said? She seems fine now, though.
If her reaction wasn’t about Westlaker, then it must be about me. There must be something I did wrong. I've hurt her somehow, and I have no idea what I’ve done, but I need to find out. I deserve the chance to apologize and make things right, don't I? As devastated as I am by Mac's lingering feelings for Westlaker, it seems I still have a chance to repair our friendship—a friendship I've been missing far too much.
Decision made, I walk through the café and pull out a seat at the four-seater table where Mac and Westlaker are sitting. I won't leave until she tells me why we aren't friends anymore. If that means sitting next to Westlaker, then so be it. There isn't much I wouldn't do to have Mac back in my life in any way possible.