✯Ryan✯
"Where's Mac?" It is the first question that pops out of my mouth when I finally reach the set on Wednesday morning. We will be shooting a scene with Brad and Jazz shortly, but I can't spot her anywhere.
I know she’s avoiding me. After our one-off and the headline about her that broke on Sunday, Mac has had 'stay away from me' written all over her face. Guilt has forced me to respect her silent wish, but this isn't like her. She’s never been late on set. In fact, I can't recall a time in the past when I’ve arrived before she did.
Jazz glances up from the script she’s reading. "She got called into Blainesworth's office," she says.
"What? When?"
"Ten minutes ago," Brad answers, glaring at me. He looks furious.
My guilt-metre skyrockets. I hoped like hell that our executive producer wouldn't listen to the gossip, but knowing Mac's history, there’s a possibility Blainesworth will be interested and concerned over the content of the article.
Brad clearly thinks so too. He pulled me aside during the barbecue on Sunday, telling me in no uncertain terms that if Mac ended up hurt through any involvement with me, it would be the end of our friendship. I know Brad cares about Mac, but still, it was a shitty conversation to have. Aside from my sister, Mac is the most important person in my life. Hurting her is the last thing I ever want to do. And Brad should know me well enough to understand that.
"You should have seen her face, Ryan," Jazz says. "It was awful."
"That would have meant Romeo actually had to be here on time," Brad says snidely.
After tossing and turning all night, I finally fell asleep around five am. It’s the third morning in a row I’ve slept through my alarm. My head is a mess. My first on-set kiss with Mac is tomorrow, and with the way things are between us now, I can't stop worrying about it.
I've only been able to draw comfort from the fact that the article hadn't caught our executive producer's attention. But I can’t even comfort myself with that anymore. Fear clutches at me as I think about all the things Blainesworth will say to Mac. I have to fix this.
I may not be able to go back in time and change the fact I’d been photographed with Mac on Friday night. I can, however, tell our producer that it was a misunderstanding and that there's no truth to the article published by a popular gossip magazine.
"I'll be back shortly," I say.
Brad's arm darts out to stop me.
"He doesn't want to see you, Romeo," Brad says. "Just Mac."
"Well, he's going to see me anyway," I shoot back at him.
"You go storming in there, and you'll only make everything worse. You'll give Blainesworth even more reason to be suspicious."
"I can't stand here and do nothing."
"Yes, you can. You've done enough already, don't you think?"
"Brad," Jazz says sharply. "There's nothing going on between them. Right, Ryan?"
Brad shakes his head. "If that's the truth, then why the hell is she in Blainesworth's office right now?"
"Mac was drunk. We all know she could barely stand by herself on Friday night," I say. "Someone took a photo and made a few accusations, and now it's all being blown out of proportion. And if you let me go right now, I can actually explain that to Blainesworth and stop this from going any further."
"One, Mac can say all that herself. Two, get your head out of the sand. It's not the photo he's going to want to talk to her about," Brad says angrily. "The last time she had a relationship with someone she worked with, it didn't work out so well. Or don't you remember that?"
"Of course I remember, but we're not having a relationship."
"So you say," Brad says.
"You think I'm lying?"
"I don't know, man. You were supposed to keep your distance."
"Wait," Jazz says. "Why would Ryan be keeping his distance?"
"Ask Ryan," Brad shrugs.
Jazz turns to me. "What's he talking about?"
I glare at Brad, but he doesn't show any remorse for his slip. He looks back at me evenly.
"Nothing," I say.
I don't know how to explain to Jazz what is going on between Mac and me. I don't even understand it myself. How do I explain that I've done everything I can to keep my distance, but nothing has worked? That the pull between us is just too strong? Jazz wouldn't understand, and if she finds out that I've slept with Mac, she will definitely kill me. How will I have a chance to fix things then?
"Our friend isn't here right now," Brad says curtly. "If anything happens to her, it will be because of you."
"You're not being fair," Jazz says.
"Nothing's going to happen," I say, though fear grips my insides like a vice.
"How can you be sure?" Brad demands. "Have either of you actually asked her if there was any truth to the headline?"
I raise an eyebrow and give my friend a sceptical, wide-eyed stare. "What am I supposed to say to her, Brad? Hey Mac, are you falling for me?"
"Yeah, maybe. I don't know," Brad admits. "But if she is, she's as good as finished here. What happens when you start dating someone new? Or your name hits the headline with the party twins again? She's going to spin out."
"You're not giving her enough credit," Jazz tells Brad. "Mac is a different person from the one she was when Danny broke up with her. She'd never let it affect her the same way. And I'm sure Ryan hasn't led her on or encouraged her."
"I would never deliberately hurt her. Surely both of you know that," I say.
"Then I guess you can sleep peacefully if Mac does end up losing her job," Brad says.
His insinuation slices through me like a knife. If I tried to imagine, even for a second, Mac not being here... well, I just can't. I can't imagine Hart's Valley without Mackenzie Lauren. I can't imagine working with someone else. Her sparkling eyes and her brilliant smile. I can't imagine my life without her in it. Shit. What does that mean?
"I need some air," Brad says.
"If there's any truth at all to what Brad said, you have to fix this, Ryan," Jazz says as we both watch Brad disappear. "I swear, if you break her heart the way Danny did..."
With that, Jazz walks away from me too.
❤️Mac❤️
"Mackenzie, do you know why I wanted to see you this morning?"
I wonder if this is some kind of trick question. I spotted the Women's Daily News magazine the second I walked into Michael Blainesworth's sunlit office. The damning headline lying across his large maple desk. When both Monday and Tuesday rolled by and my presence wasn't requested, I'd been lulled into a false sense of security.
It turned out, however, that Blainsworth wasn't in the office, and that was why nobody had heard anything from him. When his assistant showed up on set this morning with a message that the executive producer wanted to see me, my head had been sent into a tailspin. Now I’m doing my best to hold it together.
He can't fire me, can he? I haven't done anything to jeopardize Hart's Valley. In fact, considering that the season two premiere airs this week, the publicity will probably give us a boost in the ratings. That will be good for the show. However, given my reputation for "losing it" on set, Blainesworth wants me to assure him that I'm not headed for another leading-man meltdown.
"Yes, I know why I'm here," I say.
"Good. I'm just going to ask you straight out, Mackenzie. Are you involved in any way with Ryan Moore?"
"We're friends," I say, relieved I don't have to worry about the ethics of lying to my boss. I’m speaking but the truth. "That's all."
Blainesworth smiles at me, his blue-grey eyes crinkling at the corners, shaving ten years off his fifty-year-old face. "I'm very happy to hear you say that, Mackenzie. While I couldn't stop you and Ryan from seeing each other, I would have been concerned about what it would mean for the future of Hart's Valley."
"I'd like to think that the mistakes I've made are in my past. I've learned from them."
He smiles at me and nods. "You fit in here very well, Mackenzie. Your character is well-liked by our viewers, and we have a very exciting storyline planned out for Brianna and Stone that will boost your popularity even further."
"Thank you."
"But make no mistake; the future of Hart's Valley will always be my number one priority."
"Of course."
"While your character is popular, and the chemistry between you and Moore is palpable, no one is irreplaceable."
"I understand."
"After what happened on Junction Hospital, some would have said that choosing you for the role of Brianna Davis was somewhat risky. In terms of risk, I'd say it's paid off so far, but should that change... Take my advice, Mackenzie. Make your career your number one priority while you're working on Hart's Valley. Am I making myself clear?"
I swallow hard and nod. "Yes. Absolutely."
I don't need it spelled out for me. If I become involved with my leading man again, or my work suffers from an involvement with Ryan, I’ll lose my job.
"Good."
He beams at me again, as if he never just threatened to rip the rug out from underneath me and end my career.
"Now, I believe you're expected on set soon."
"Yes."
"Then I should let you get back to it. There is another pressing matter I need to discuss with you, but that can wait until later. Have a good day, Mackenzie."
I glare at the door of the dressing room I share with Jazz, wishing the person knocking on it would stop and leave me alone. My best friend is on set shooting another scene, and I am grateful for the quiet that has allowed me time to process the meeting with Blainesworth.
After I left his office this morning, my co-stars immediately gathered around me. I brushed off their concern with a vague sort of answer. I didn't want them to worry about me. Now that everyone is on set, I’m grateful they’re distracted. Frankly, it hadn’t been easy to brush their worries off, especially Ryan’s.
I’m pretty sure that Ryan's concern was laced with guilt, but he doesn't need to worry. I was the one who drank so much on Friday night that I couldn't walk by myself. I was the one who asked him for a ride home, which set off this whole mess of a situation. And I was the one who couldn't keep my feelings out of the equation. This is my fault. Just mine.
The knocking persists, followed by the rattle of someone trying to open the locked door.
"All right, all right, I'm coming."
"I was starting to think you weren't in there," Ryan says when I pull the door open.
Just the sight of him throws me off balance. Ryan is still in the grey suit pants and white shirt he was wearing earlier on set, but he has removed the jacket. His sleeves are rolled up and the top buttons of his shirt are open, showing off his tanned skin and hard chest. Ryan's eyes seem darker than usual as he takes in the sight of me.
"Is it okay if I come in? I need to talk to you, Mac."
I ignore the punch of his aftershave and the shiver of awareness that runs down my back as he walks past me. It's ridiculous that I've lost all ability to think. Will I ever forget the cellular memory of his mouth and hands on me? The dressing room is by no means small, but it suddenly feels like a shoebox. I shut the door behind me and turn around to face him.
Ryan's hazel eyes lock with mine immediately. The flecks of green in them are more prominent today, and I have the strangest feeling that he’s drinking me in, as though this is the first time we've seen each other in months, even though it can't be more than a few hours. His gaze slides down to my mouth and I feel my heart thump loudly in my ears.
Without the distraction of a script to follow or the presence of people around us, the longing and desire I feel for him all comes rushing back to me with a force that is almost painful.
I've done my best to avoid him since the barbecue on Sunday. Resisting him after sleeping with him is even more difficult than it had been. Our once-off hadn’t been anywhere near enough to dull the desire I feel for him. Not that he wants to sleep with you now that he suspects you’re in love with him. I flinch at the voice in my head.
"What's up?" I ask him, thankful my voice sounds stronger than I feel.
"I wanted to be with you in that meeting you had with Blainesworth earlier, but Brad said it would look bad if I made an appearance."
"He was probably right."
Of course, it didn't escape my attention that Ryan hadn't been called into the meeting. Blainesworth doesn't give a fig about what Ryan Moore does. Australia's Romeo is one of the best actors in the country, and our producer will never let him go. Besides, Ryan is as professional as they come - not that he has any reason not to be. He isn't the one falling in love with his co-star.
"How did it go? What did the boss have to say?" he asks.
I shrug. "Just that I should make my career my number one priority while I'm here. He doesn't want to see my work suffer."
"None of us do," Ryan says. "I mean, you're part of Hart's Valley - our friend. I can't imagine not working with you, Mac."
Even though his words are sincere, they send an arrow through my heart. I don't want to lose my role on Hart's Valley either. However, the threat of losing my job isn’t the reason my eyes are suddenly stinging. Ryan said he can’t imagine not working with me, and that says everything about how he feels about me, doesn't it? I’m just his co-star – someone he enjoys working with, and someone he had wanted to sleep with. Beyond that, I am nothing more to him.
Pain rips through me, making me feel as if I’m being torn apart at the seams. I whip around and try to busy myself with organizing the makeup on the ledge of the wall, ensuring Ryan can't see the tears in my eyes.
This is good, isn't it? I needed the cold hard slap of reality to bring my life back into focus. Blainesworth just threatened my job today, and yet here I am, wanting things from Ryan that he is incapable of giving me. What does that say about me?
The entire feminist movement would be outraged if they could hear my thoughts right now. Where is my pride? Being rejected by a man isn't the end of my world. I thought it was when Danny rejected me, but I survived. I will get through this too. If I survived then, I will survive now.
"Providing I don't...lose sight of what I'm doing here, I should be fine," I say.
I feel Ryan's warm hand on my shoulder, but I don't turn around. Instead, I fiddle with the perfume bottle in my hands.
"Are you...losing sight of anything?"
I know what he is asking. Apparently, after my meeting with Blainesworth, Ryan decides he now needs to know how I feel about him. Like our producer, he is probably anxious that I am headed for a meltdown.
In the mirror, I can feel Ryan's eyes boring into mine, but I can't bring myself to meet his gaze. I don't know what to say to him. Discussing my feelings with him is the last thing I want to do.
If I tell Ryan the truth, that I am indeed falling for him, he will either point out the obvious, that my job is at stake, using it as an excuse for why we can't be together. Alternatively, he’ll break it to me gently that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. Either way, it will hurt like hell. My only option is to lie to him. Can I do that?
"Mac?"
✯Ryan✯
My world stands still as Mac finally looks up in the mirror, her eyes locking with mine. Her eyes are bright and resolute. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to say to her when I knocked on her dressing room door. I just needed to make sure she was okay - that we are okay. I needed her to know how worried I was—how much I care about her.
Despite Brad's suggestion this morning, I hadn't planned to waltz in here and question Mac about her feelings for me. The question just slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. But I do want to know. I’ve tried to push it to the back of my mind, but as soon as Mac opened the door and let me in, it’s been front and centre in my thoughts.
I hold my breath as Mac turns around to face me.
"No," she says coolly. "I'm not losing sight of anything."
She isn’t falling for me. I should feel relief at her words, but instead, it's like someone has whacked me in the stomach with a sledgehammer. This is better for both of us, though, isn’t it? Nothing can come out of this anyway, and Mac is going to be just fine. She isn’t going to lose her job over me. So why do I feel like someone just punched me in the gut? What the hell is wrong with me?
❤️Mac❤️
I haven’t lied to him. Technically. Of course, I know how Ryan will interpret my answer, but that isn’t my problem. I’ve told him the truth. I’m not losing sight of things because I know exactly where I stand with him, and I know how he feels about me. I can see everything with crystal clarity. My answer is probably a relief to him, and yet the expression on Ryan’s face momentarily confuses me. He looks devastated.
Fortunately, I don't have time to dwell on it because Jazz walks into the room right then. I want to run to her, fling my arms around her in gratitude for interrupting this difficult conversation, but something about my best friend’s expression stops me in my tracks. She’s biting her lip, and she looks ill at ease.
"I have to tell you something," Jazz says, her voice coming out in a rush.
The last time Jazz said something like that, she had been carrying the Women's Daily News in her handbag. Surely my name hasn’t hit the headlines again? My pulse starts to race.
"Danny's here," Jazz says.
"Danny," I repeat the name. "As in...?"
"As in her dick of an ex-boyfriend? As in Junction Hospital Danny?" Ryan grinds out.
"Yes," Jazz nods. "Danny Westlaker is here, and he just walked into Blainesworth's office."