Lights, Camera, Kiss Me: Episode 5

The Right Time

❤️Mac❤️

I hold my breath. This is it, isn’t it? Ryan is going to tell me that we shouldn’t spend time together outside the studio anymore—just like in my dream last night. I had one chance to prove it to him that I can handle this thing between us, but I’ve blown it. Hot humiliation sweeps through me.

“Brianna and Stone,” Ryan says. “They’re getting involved next season.”

“What?” My heart drops.

“They’re writing us together; stepping up our romance.”

“No. It’s too soon.”

“I know it is, but it’s the direction they’re taking,” Ryan doesn’t look at me.

“I thought…I thought they’d want to draw it out.”

He shakes his head. “They don’t.”

Ryan’s hand is still wrapped around my wrist. I feel his touch, a heat rising through my arm. I would pull free if I could stand upright. My co-star is used to dealing with cool, calm and professional actors, but cool and calm is the last thing I feel right now. I’m panicked and terrified. I need more time to sort out my feelings towards him, to overcome my attraction to him.

“Are you sure?” I ask him. “How do you know?”

“Claire told me.”

Why does he sound so calm? Is it possible Ryan has it wrong? Maybe he’s only speculating.

“But we haven’t been in the studio this year.”

“I know,” Ryan says. “I found out last year.”

“Last year?”

“On our last day of shooting.”

“But…you never said anything. You didn’t tell me.”

“I was looking for the right time to tell you.”

“And that’s now, is it?”

“We’re back in the studio, so…I’m out of time,” Ryan says.

I can't believe he's waited this long to tell me. Does he think I'm going to lose it and crack under the pressure? Even if things have been strained between us lately, he's known since the end of shooting last year – before everything became weird between us. So why hasn't he told me? Why hasn't he talked to me about it? Does he consider me so inexperienced and incompetent that I can't handle it?

Kissing my leading men is part of my job description. This shouldn't be a big deal. God knows Ryan has kissed his share of leading ladies, but his eyes are filled with worry. He's probably waiting for me to have the inevitable meltdown he believes is coming, especially after what I said to him at Jazz's party. My co-star has always looked out for me, and I've always appreciated it, but today I find it insulting.

Yes, I'm attracted to him, and yes, I'm more than a little nervous about Brianna and Stone becoming involved, but I'm not so pathetic that I'm going to fall apart and forget how to do my job. He's shown he's not going to let the attraction he feels towards me affect his life in any way, hopping from one bed to another since our dance. I have to prove to him that I'm not going to let what I feel for him get the better of me. I can still do my job.

“Mac?” he asks.

 “It’s sooner than I would have expected this to come,” I say coolly. “But it should be…fun.”

---

✯Ryan✯

I stare at her, unable to believe what I'm hearing. Fun? I've been freaking out over how to tell her for the last two months, and she coolly dismisses it as if it's going to be nothing but a frolicking good time. She just doesn't get it. Brianna and Stone are going to hook up. That means the two of us will be exploring some of our intense chemistry while trying to remember we're being filmed.

“Mac, I don’t think you understand.”

“Don’t patronise me. Of course I understand, but this isn’t a big deal.”

“It shouldn’t be, but it is.”

“Why? This is our job, Ryan.”

“I’m well aware of that, Mac; but don’t pretend this isn’t anything to worry about.”

“Why? Because of what I said at Jazz’s party? Look, if I gave you the impression I was struggling with…what I feel, I was wrong to do that. I have this under control. You don’t need to worry about me. I can handle this.”

I frown. Does Mac think she's the only one struggling with this thing between us? How can she possibly think that after the dance we shared? The more time I spend with her, the more I want her, and the harder it is to resist her. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the scenes we're going to share this season. The potential for our on-set heat to become off-set heat is far too high.

“It’s not just you I’m worried about,” I try to explain. “I don’t think you understand quite how much I want to act on this thing between us.”

“You’re right,” she shakes her head. “I don’t understand. You’ve been ignoring me for three weeks, and sleeping with everything in a skirt. I’d say you’ve been doing a very good job of not acting on it.”

Mac clamps her mouth shut and looks away quickly, her cheeks turning pink, as if realising she’s said more than she wanted to.

“Is that what you think?” I ask her. “These past few weeks I’ve been doing everything I can to keep myself distracted. There’s not a day gone by that I haven’t thought about you, Mac.”

Mac swallows and pulls her arm free of my grip. She takes a step back.

“We’re supposed to be friends,” she says.

“Which is why I’m telling you this.”

Mac’s eyes flash. “Yet you couldn’t tell me about Stone and Brianna’s romance next season until now?”

“No,” I say evenly. “I couldn’t.”

“Why not?” Mac folds her arms and stares at me. I see the hurt in her eyes.

 “Why do you think?”

“It’s because you think I can’t handle this – us; because you think I won’t be able to do my job,” she tells me. “Isn’t it?”

I shake my head incredulously as I realise what’s bothering her. “What? No. How could you think that? I think you’re amazing, Mac. You know that. You’re better than the majority of the actresses I’ve worked with. I’m sure I’ve told you that before.”

I see the relief passing over Mac’s face. Again, I’m filled with that uncontrollable urge to take her into my arms. Mac hugs herself as she rocks back on her heels. Seeing her so small and vulnerable, I desperately want to take back the past three weeks, I want to tell her that she’s wrong for thinking that I don’t care. Wrong for thinking that I can stay away.

“I wish things could go back to the way they were,” Mac says. “I miss hanging out with you. I don’t want us to not hang out together anymore.”

“I know,” I say. “But we can’t pretend that nothing is different when it is. I’m trying so hard to resist this. I don’t want what happened between you and Westlaker to happen between you and me.”

“It won’t,” Mac whispers.

“How sure are you about that, Mac?” I ask her softly, and I find myself taking a step towards her.

Mac moves away, but the kitchen bench is behind her. My arms come up to brace against it on either side of her, and I trap her in front of me. My lips are inches away from hers, the tension in my body palpable. I watch as her eyes darken with desire until they are barely recognisable.

 “If we sleep together it could mess up everything,” I tell her. “Even if it would be… good between us.”

Mac’s lips part in surprise and the colour hits her cheeks as her blue eyes widen and latch onto mine. She is so beautiful. Irresistible. How can she ever doubt how much she affects me? I want to kiss her, taste her. As she gazes back at me, desire replaces the wariness in her eyes. Everything about her is so tempting. Her tongue darts out, moistening her parted lips. There is no way I’m going to get through one of our scenes together if she looks at me like that on set.

“You make it so damn hard to resist you, do you know that? You keep putting out these signals.”

“What signals?”

“Your eyes, your lips, your face; they tell me so much.”

“What do they tell you?” Mac asks breathlessly.

“That you want me to kiss you,” I whisper.

“Oh,” she breathes softly.

“They tell me you want to go to bed with me.” Right now, having her in my arms, the urge to placate my desire is too great. The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them.

“Ryan…”

“They tell me you want me inside you.”

Mac gasps, and I push myself away from her. I’ve crossed the line. Hell, my blood has all rushed south and I’m not thinking straight. Mac leans against the bench, breathing heavily, stunned, sexy and aroused. It would take so very little for all out chemistry to explode between us. Does she see that yet? This is bad. I’m in too dee. For a moment, I forgot that my co-stars are in the other room, and judging from the way she’s looking at me, Mac probably had too.

Why does this have to be so damn hard? I care about Mac. I don’t want to hurt her. I know we can’t be together while we both work on Hart’s Valley, but every time I get close to her, I’m tempted to toss reason and logic out of the window.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I know we’re friends. And I miss what we had too, but I think…I think we could both do with some distance here.”

Mac closes her eyes, and I can see the indecision pass over her face. She has to realise I’m doing the right thing, doesn’t she? This dangerous and potent mutual need between us is guaranteed to end badly if we act on it. The last thing I want to do to her what Westlaker did.

“You’re right. I think we do need some distance,” Mac says, her voice strained. 

Relief washes over me. She does understand after all.

“What’s going on in here?”

I turn to see Brad leaning in the kitchen doorway, a curious expression on his face. Mac quickly returns to doing the dishes.

“Nothing,” I answer.

“We’re going down to the beach to play cricket,” Brad says, glancing from Mac back to me. “You guys in?”

“I’m heading off,” I say.

The truth is, I need time to clear my thoughts. Go home, have a cold shower or two.

“Oh, come on,” Brad says. “The twins can’t wait? Numbers will be uneven without you.”

“Sorry,” I say. “You’re going to have to find someone else to fill my spot.”

Mac is rushing to finish the last few dishes. I notice the droop in her shoulders, the weight of defeat in her posture. She's closer to me than anyone else in this city, and I know pulling away from her won't be easy for either of us. This need for distance will undoubtedly shift the dynamic of our entire cast. We're like family, and if one of us misses events, it's bound to upset the group. So maybe I should be the one, and not her, to take a step back from everything.

“Well, these are done,” Mac says, putting the last dish in the dish rack. “I guess I’ll get ready to go.”

I watch Brad move out of the way to let Mac through. Once she is gone, Brad walks into the kitchen.

“What’s going on between you and Mac? And don’t tell me, ‘nothing.’ I know what I saw.”

I sigh. “You didn’t see anything.”

“You sleeping with her?”

“No.” Not yet, anyway.

“Is that why you haven’t been hanging around lately? Because you slept with Mac and now you’re giving her the brush off?” Brad persists.

“I haven’t slept with Mac,” I tell him.

“I really like this show,” Brad says. “I really like this cast.”

“As do I.”

“We’re on a winner here with Hart’s Valley,” Brad gives me a hard stare. “I’m not going to mess with it. Are you?”

“I’m trying really hard not to,” I admit.

“Good,” Brad says. “Mac doesn’t deserve to be messed around again.”

“I know that.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way but look at your track record. You haven’t dated anyone for more than a few months at a time.”

“I know,” I repeat, gritting my teeth.

“You’d break her heart, and then our show would be dust,” Brad continues. “The main reason people watch the show is because of Stone and Brianna.”

“They watch it because it’s good drama,” I say defensively.

Brad laughs. “They watch it because they want to see the two of you get it on.”

“Yeah, well, they’re going to get their wish,” I say.

Brad looks at me blankly.

“Claire told me that things between Brianna and Stone are heating up this season.”

“Seriously? That’s awesome news,” Brad says.

Awesome isn’t exactly the word I would use to describe the situation. But judging from the expression on Brad’s face, he seems excited by the prospect.

“Ratings are going to go through the roof,” Brad says. “And your little problem with Mac is solved. Everyone knows things only went screwy between her and Danny after their characters started sleeping together on Junction Hospital. She’d never get involved with her leading man again. All you have to do is tell her.”

“She knows.”

“And?”

“And I’m leaving,” I clap Brad on the shoulder. “You need to find another sixth for cricket.”

And for everything else until I have this thing with Mac under control. If that is even possible.

---

❤️Mac❤️

Over the course of the next month Ryan keeps his distance, and I do the same. Thankfully, everyone else appears clueless about the fact we’re actively avoiding each other. Though he was reluctant at first, Ryan agreed we would take turns accepting the invitations to get-togethers. We both decided people would start to ask us questions if he was the one who kept bowing out. It is better this way, and it’s all working out—except for the loneliness that seems to have taken up permanent residence inside me.

I make my way towards the set. Today, they are shooting the latest episode of Hart’s Valley. I slide into the studio through the back door, careful not to make a sound. There is no scene for me today, but I like to watch Ryan work. He doesn’t know this, but since last year I’ve made a habit of it. Even with the new rules of our relationship and our need to avoid one another, I just can’t seem to shake off the habit. It is a small bit of comfort I cling to.

As usual, the sight of Ryan in a suit makes my heart beat faster and my body grow warmer. His character, Stone, is a cool and calculating businessman, known for his ruthlessness both in love and in the boardroom. We haven’t shared too many scenes this year, but I know that is all about to change. Our romantic storyline is being set in swing, a development I can’t say I’m entirely happy about the direction the writers are taking.

“I can see you have a plan, Stone.”

Vanessa stands next to Ryan on stage. Vanessa plays Yvette Sullivan, Stone’s stepsister.

“Indeed I do.”

“One that will involve trouble, I can tell.”

“Yes, but not for us.”

“For whom then, dare I ask?”

“Brianna Davis.”

“You’re evil.”

“No, Yvette. I’m just desperate. We need her land.”

“She’s just lost her father.”

“Which means the land is hers to do with as she pleases.”

“How will you get her to part with it? She hates you. She’d rather see it go to Sawyer, than to you.”

“Well, you know what they say? There’s a fine line between-”

“Love and hate, yes I believe I might have heard that once or twice,” Yvette tells Stone, a wry smile curving her mouth.

“Brianna is going to realize she loves me.”

“A little cocky aren’t we?”

“Seduction is something I happen to do very well.”

“So you say.”

“Believe it. I’ll have Brianna signing over her land to us in no time at all.”

I have to hand it to the writers. I’ve been convinced that throwing Stone and Brianna together so early on in the show would be a terrible move, but clearly this storyline is going to be a hit. The viewers are desperate to see Stone seduce Brianna, even if love isn’t exactly on Stone’s agenda. I can imagine hordes of people tuning in to the show week after week, curious to see if Stone will shatter Brianna’s heart into a million pieces.

The thought sends a wave of nausea through me. I stand up in my chair and grab my handbag. Considering my mood lately, today may not be a good time for me to watch this particular scene. I try to slip out the back door unnoticed, but on my way out, I bump into Jazz.

“Mac, there you are!” Jazz exclaims. Her eyes are shining. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

“Here I am,” I say.

“It’s decided, you have to come with us tonight.”

“I can’t-”

“I know, you’ve already told us you have to call your father to make sure he takes his medicine, but we’ll just remind you.”

Jazz is adamant, and when Jazz makes up her mind on something, it’s difficult to convince her otherwise.

“Look,” she says, taking out her phone, “I’ll set a reminder.”

“I really can’t. I’m sorry, Jazz. I’m just tired.”

It’s a lame excuse really, but I’m running low on half-decent excuses. At least this one is the truth. My mum will be at bingo tonight and I do intend to call my father to remind him to take his heart medication.

“No, you are not pulling that one on me again,” Jazz insists. “Do you know it’s been over a month since we’ve all hung out together? I will do anything to make tonight happen. Read my lips. Any. Thing.”

I can't help but smile. Jazz has a flair for the dramatic, but I feel my resolve waning. The persistent ache in my chest intensifies each day. Spending time with friends might offer a distraction. Due to the new boundaries with Ryan, I've been seeing them less frequently. At times, it feels like I'm losing both Ryan and them.

After all, it's just dinner. I don’t have to stay long. What could go wrong with Ryan and me in a crowded restaurant, surrounded by friends?

The other option? Stay on my couch, binge-watch a show, and wallow in sadness, which has been my routine for weeks. Knowing Jazz, she won’t let up until she gets the answer she wants. If I keep declining her invitations, she might begin to suspect something's amiss.

“Okay,” I say, secretly hoping that Ryan won’t be upset with me for agreeing to this.

Jazz squeals and hugs me. “Thank goodness. I was starting to get worried I’d done something wrong, and you were avoiding me.”

I shake my head quickly. “Of course you haven’t.”

“It’ll be just like old times,” Jazz says before rolling her eyes. “Well, except for the fact that Ryan’s bringing a date tonight.”

“What?” My heart squeezes painfully. “He is?”

Ryan has never brought any of the women he dates to our cast dinners before. Or is this woman more than that? I suppose I should feel relieved he's found a distraction, but instead, I'm furious.

If Ryan has found someone else to occupy his time, does that mean the danger of us acting on our attraction isn't there anymore? There would be no harm in sitting there and having dinner with friends, with his date beside him, right? I can't pretend to know what's in Ryan’s head or how he feels anymore. It seems I got it all wrong when I spoke to him a month ago at Jazz’s. Why couldn't he have told me then he was already seeing someone? No one's mentioned to me that he's found someone new.

Here I am, still thinking about us. There is no "us," just silly fantasies on my part.

Jazz cuts into my thoughts. “Her name's Cindy-Lou, or something like that. You haven’t spoken to Ryan?”

“Ah, not recently.”

“What’s going on with you?” Jazz asks, suddenly serious. “You weren’t going to come out tonight, and you haven’t spoken to Ryan. Are you okay, Mac?”

I force a smile when I see Jazz's worried expression. “Yeah. I'm fine. I’m coming out tonight, aren't I?”

“Well, I'm due on set.” Jazz checks the time. “But I'm going to keep my eye on you, Mac. You've got me worried.”

“I’m fine,” I wave off her concern.

“A few drinks tonight, and you will be,” Jazz declares with a wink.

She starts to walk away but stops and turns back to face me.

“By the way,” Jazz says, “I just looked through the script for the next episode, and you and Ryan have a big scene.”

“We do?” I ask as my adrenaline begins to pump.

“Oh yeah, baby,” Jazz wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. “Stone and Brianna’s first kiss. I can't wait to see that.”