Lights, Camera, Kiss Me: Episode 9
Warn Me About What
❤️Mac❤️
I know I need to move. Our friends will be here any tick of the clock, and the cast of Hart's Valley will get one hell of a shock if they walk in and see me stuck to my co-star like a limpet. Then, once the shock wears off, they will call me an idiot. And who could argue with them? I am an idiot. I seem determined to make the same mistake twice in a row.
Ryan's face is buried in my neck, and my arms and legs are still wrapped around him. The bench is digging into my back, but I don't want to move. I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be, but that's too bad for me now, isn't it? Our quick but passionate union was a one-time-only deal.
My toes might still be tingling from the most earth-shattering sex of my life, and I might feel more connected to Ryan than I have to any other human being before, but it's over now. It doesn't matter how much I want to do it all over again. It doesn't matter how much I don't want to let him go. If I don't let him go, then he will let me go. He will break my heart—a heart that is balanced precariously on the verge of loving him.
Feeling me trying to pull away, Ryan finally untangles our bodies and steps away from me. For a second, I think he looks just as reluctant to break our connection as I feel - but I decide it's my imagination, and even if it's not, it's not something I should dwell on. I have to hold strong. This can't happen again.
I pick up my underwear and slide them back on as I glance at the clock. It's ten thirty-two.
"They're late," Ryan says to me.
"Yep," I agree, trying but failing to keep my eyes off his body as we both dress.
I almost cry with disappointment as he puts his shirt back on and covers that incredible chest of his. I feel desire tugging at me as my eyes caress his perfect male body. Crap. Can't I at least have some kind of grace period from my Ryan-induced lust now that we've just had sex in my kitchen? It seems not. Two orgasms have apparently not been anywhere near enough to satisfy the craving I have for my co-star.
I startle when Ryan comes to stand behind me so he can zip me back up. I shiver as his hand brushes against the sensitive skin on my back. When the zip reaches the top of the dress, he presses a soft kiss to the nape of my neck. The slight contact sizzles, and desire beats out a vicious rhythm inside me. I moan softly, and he slowly turns me around in his arms. My breath lodges in my throat as I take in the scorching heat in his gaze.
"We messed up, Mac. I think I want you even more now than I did before."
With that, he dips his head and claims my mouth with his. My body melts against his immediately, as if it has a mind of its own. His mouth is hot and insistent as he kisses me, as if he's trying to drive all ideas of earlier-on being a once-off from my mind. The feel of his arousal pressing against me makes it perfectly clear that he wants me just as much as before. Dear God.
✯Ryan✯
This is crazy. I've just had her, but one taste of her sweet lips and I'm burning up with the need to be with her all over again. I should never have agreed to her once-off idea. Surely she can see now that that decision was a mistake. There's no way we can shoot the scenes we need for Hart's Valley and keep this thing in check.
She's driving me out of my mind. I glimpsed something spectacular in her arms before, and I'm desperate to repeat the experience. Our one time was like the smallest sip of water to a man who's parched from being in the desert for too long. I tilt her head back so I can deepen our kiss, and her little moan shoots heat straight to my groin. Far out, I'm too damn hard.
I need an ice-cold shower. I need to cool down before our friends walk in on one hell of a show. I muster the last remaining shreds of my control and tear my mouth away from hers.
❤️Mac❤️
I can't stop the little noise of protest from escaping as Ryan pulls away from me, his hand sweeping through my hair as his eyes cling to mine.
"This isn't even close to being done," he tells me.
"It has to be. It can't happen again," I tell him.
I know my voice sounds weak. My words lack conviction.
"Mac, if we take this thing on set..."
I desperately hoped that surrendering to the desires which fuelled us both would help relieve some of this tension between us and reduce the impact of having to kiss him on set. But I know now that was deluded. I was too caught up in my need to be with him to see that sleeping together once would only make things worse.
The tension between us has been building for a very long time. We've kept the beast caged for the past year, but giving in has opened the door, and now the beast is out. We can never hope to capture it and contain it again. Every searing touch, every hot and fiery kiss we've shared is burnt into my memory. He's left his imprint on me. My body knows the pleasure his can bring me. I won't be able to stop myself from responding to him, on set or off, ever again.
It's an impossible situation. I don't want to put my heart in the firing line again, but I don't know how to deal with this thing between us any longer. I thank my lucky stars when I hear someone knocking on the door. The reprieve from my turmoil, however brief, is extremely welcome. I turn to answer the door, but Ryan grabs my arm before I can walk away.
"I'll get the door," he tells me.
"There's no need. I can get it."
"If you answer the door right now, everyone will know what we've been doing."
I run a hand through my hair, feeling it tangle in my fingers. I've been so caught up in my thoughts that I've forgotten I probably look as if I've just had my wicked way with my co-star. I need a mirror.
"Okay," I agree. "Thanks."
Ryan nods before leaning in and giving me another quick kiss. "I'm not done talking about this."
I walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind me before leaning against it. It would take very little for Ryan to persuade me to sleep with him again. I want to. Okay, that's the understatement of the century. If I close my eyes, it's too easy to imagine myself back in his arms, his mouth on mine, our bodies moving together. The visual is enough to make my breathing ragged and my body grow ready for his all over again.
I take a deep breath before crossing to the mirror. My eyes are glazed over. My cheeks feel hot and are quite obviously flushed. My lips look swollen from his kisses. What I feel—the need that grips me whenever Ryan is near—is as plain as the nose on my face. Will my co-stars see it? Will our executive producer? How can they not see it when I kiss him on set this week?
✯Ryan✯
I walk as slowly as I can towards Mac's front door, willing my body to chill out and settle down. By the time I open the door, my desire isn't obvious. Even if it is, however, the person waiting at the door probably doesn't notice, I acknowledge. Jazz stands there in the hallway, fidgeting, and when she realizes I'm the one letting her into the apartment, her back goes rigid and she scowls at me. What the hell?
"Where's Mac?" Jazz asks as she walks in.
"It's great to see you too, Jazz," I reply, frowning at the dark expression on Jazz's face. She's usually one of the most genuinely happy people I know. She stops to glare at me briefly before walking into the lounge room and taking a seat on the sofa.
"Where's everyone else?" I ask her.
"They're supposed to be getting here at eleven. I sent you a message asking you to do the same. Didn't you get it?"
The message is likely sitting unopened on my phone. I haven't been aware of anything other than Mac for the past half hour.
"What are you doing here?" she asks me.
"I arranged this barbecue, remember? Why did you change the time? What's wrong?"
She sits there watching me carefully for a moment. "I came here to ask Mac something, but since you're here, I'm worried I already know the answer. Ryan, please tell me there's nothing going on between you and Mac."
I blink, and my mouth falls open. It's the last thing I expected her to say. I'm normally quick on my feet mentally, but for the life of me, I can't work out how I should answer her.
"God, it's true, isn't it? How could you be so stupid? How could both of you be so stupid? At first, I thought there was nothing to it, but then I started thinking about how one of you has been absent at every get-together we've had. I should have seen this earlier."
"What's going on?" Mac asks from behind me. "Where is everyone?"
Jazz sighs heavily. "I told them to get here at eleven. I wanted to get here first and warn you."
"Warn me about what?"
"About this."
❤️Mac❤️
I hold perfectly still as I watch Jazz pull her handbag onto her lap, unzip it, and then extract the Sunday edition of the Women's Daily News. I feel something cold and miserable slide through me as I take in the photo on the cover, and the caption that goes with it. It was taken on Friday night, just after I left the restaurant with Ryan, obviously by a passer-by who thinks it would be fun to destroy my life and make a quick buck from it.
It is the second time that I’ve made the front cover of the Women's Daily News. This time, however, is definitely much worse than the last. The picture shows Ryan's arm around my waist, holding me close, as he whispers something in my ear. And it is more than obvious to me just how affected I am by his proximity.
Frequent upgrades made to camera phones mean that the desire I feel towards my co-star has been captured with perfect clarity. I recognize the signs of my arousal because I've just seen them a minute ago in the bathroom mirror. I might be able to blame the glazed eyes and flushed cheeks on the alcohol I consumed that night, to anyone who might listen, but I know better.
It is the caption at the top, in big yellow writing, however, that has me wanting to climb under a rock and firebomb the Women's Daily News headquarters simultaneously.
It reads; "Summer Heat – Is Mackenzie Lauren falling for her leading man? Again?"
I can’t bear to look at Ryan. I don’t want to know what he thinks. Even if he shrugs it off, or plays it down – it doesn’t change the fact that the answer to the question is a big, fat yes! And to have that exposed so publicly is just mortifying. I rub at the sudden dull throb in my temples.
Of course, Ryan's feelings aren't in question. Because they aren't there. He desires me. He likes me as a friend, but there is nothing special about the way he feels about me. And to think he'd been worried about how the headline might read. If I hadn't been off-my-face-drunk at the time, I would have told him that he had nothing to be afraid of – nothing to lose. Meanwhile, I have everything to lose. Everything.
The worst part of all of this is that I’ve tried so hard not to repeat the mistake I made last time.
"The article is much worse," Jazz tells me quietly.
"Then I don't want to read it," I say to her.
When the story broke about me and Danny, I tortured myself by reading every insult and speculation that the magazine threw out about me. I won’t do that this time. I can easily guess what aspersions they are casting about my character now, and I don’t need to hear it.
"Maybe you should," Jazz says. "Blainesworth might."
I feel myself pale at the mention of our executive producer. I know it's a possibility, but I have to hope that he will pass it off as rubbish. Considering my history, and the way he feels about co-stars dating, however, I could be headed straight for his office first thing tomorrow morning.
"He won't pay attention to anything that trivial," Ryan interjects. "He has better things to do than read that crap. And if he says anything, I'll tell him the truth. Mac was drunk. You asked me to take her home. I did. Then I returned to my date."
✯Ryan✯
I'm trying to play it cool, but inside I'm giving myself a good arse-kicking. I've been a jerk. Mac's reaction to our executive producer's name, and the magazine cover, is really driving that truth home. I feel so helpless as I stand there and watch the blood drain out of her face.
Ever since I kissed Mac, I've been asking her to give in to this thing between us with little to no regard for what it would all mean for her. I haven't been thinking with the head on my shoulders. I've been a man consumed with a basic drive, and I've hardly spared a thought for her, or the situation it would put her in. Guilt is clawing its way through me.
She's told me straight up that one time is all she wants – that she doesn't want to go down the same path that she had with Danny, but I haven't listened. I've tried to seduce her into changing her mind.
The headline suggests that she is falling for me. With my strong desire to keep things casual, and the line of work we're in, it could lead to some very messy problems if she is. I'm again reminded of the conversation we had on Friday night, as I tucked her into bed. She essentially told me she has feelings for me—feelings that I've ignored today because I wanted to be with her so badly that I couldn’t think through the thick fog of lust between my ears.
If I have a lick of decency in me, I should stop this, just like she's asked.
"Are you telling me there's nothing going on between the two of you?" Jazz asks.
I look at Mac, but she is deliberately avoiding meeting my gaze.
"That's exactly what I'm saying," I tell her.
Mac's eyes snap up to meet mine. She's made her decision, and now I'm going to respect that. Even if I want her more than my next breath—even if I felt my whole world tilt off its axis while I was inside of her, this has to be her choice. If we sleep together again, it will be because she wants to—because she feels comfortable to, and because she's decided she can handle something casual. It won't be because I can't keep my hands off her long enough for her to think about what we're doing.
A knock on the door sounds. Mac hurries off to let in whoever is at the door.
"I hope you're telling me the truth," Jazz says to me. "Because you know she wouldn't survive another public heart-break."
❤️Mac❤️
I feel Brad's arm sliding around my shoulders as he sits down beside me on the picnic bench at Fawkner Park. It is the perfect day for a barbecue, but my mood seems more suited to grey skies and rain, rather than the cloudless blue above.
I sense Brad studying me for a moment before he sighs heavily. "You're letting the article get to you, aren't you?" he asks me.
"I'm trying not to," I admit.
"You need to take a cup of concrete, Maccas."
"Pardon?" I ask, confused.
"Toughen up. Harden up. Shit like this happens all the time. You can't take it personally. You can't let it get you down."
This isn't the first time that the magazine has published something to put me down in the public eye. It feels like they have it in for me. I remember my first interview in Melbourne, after I was given a small guest spot on Neighbours.
They basically called me a dumb hick because I made a stupid comment about shovelling cow patties on the farm. It shook my confidence terribly, and is part of the reason I haven't felt entirely comfortable in my interviews ever since. I don't enjoy being the girl everyone laughs at.
"It feels personal," I tell him.
I let my eyes wander over to where Ryan and Matt stand shoulder to shoulder at the barbecue, cooking the meat. Jazz and Vanessa are at the Coles down the street, buying tomato sauce. Out of all the things to forget for a barbecue... But my thoughts haven't exactly been on food these past few days.
"I know it does, but we've all experienced it before. Do you remember when TV's Hot News claimed Vanessa was having a relationship with her female co-star? Or when I had that HIV scare?"
I nod. I remember that.
"My girlfriend dumped me," he continues. "It took ages for it to blow over. And what about when Matt's high school friend gave an interview about Matt being a stoner? Or Jazz got nabbed for drink-driving, and she lost her license for a year? The only thing you need to worry about is whether it is true or not, and if it is, what you're going to do about it."
He's indirectly asking me if there's anything to the rumours, but I choose to ignore the question. It's better he doesn't know the answer.
"I love acting," I tell him instead. "But I hate this. I hate being scrutinized and criticised. They don't know me."
"Exactly. They don't know anything about you. So why would you let anything they say worry you?"
"Because people will see it and think that it's the truth," I reply.
Brad looks at me. "So what?"
"What do you mean, so what? Everyone is going to think I'm in love with my co-star."
"So, let us suspend reality for a moment and pretend that everyone believes what they read in those mags – and everyone in Australia now believes you're in love with Ryan. So what? You know what I'm trying to say?"
"I hear you," I tell him.
I know he's right about the fact that I need to toughen up a bit. It shouldn't really matter what people think of me if I can do my job and do it well—if I believe I am a good person, and endeavour to live up to my own code of ethics. And I'm not the only target here, as Brad has pointed out. No-one has ever been quite so blunt with me before, and perhaps I need this wake-up call.
The misery I am feeling now has more to do with the fact that the article has shone a light onto something I have desperately wanted to keep in the dark. The way I feel is my business; my personal, private business. I feel as if someone has read my diary and printed it for everyone to read. The rest of the country has been given insight into the feelings I have for my co-star before I've had time to process them...and get over them.
I'm hoping that Ryan has already forgotten the headline on the cover. Ever since he's seen the article, he's been giving me the impression that he's backing right off. Maybe I should see that as something positive. However, I can't help feeling as though he's backing off because of what the magazine has suggested, rather than because I told him earlier that one time was all I wanted.
I know Ryan's history, and so maybe I should have expected as much, but the thought that my feelings make him want to run for the hills actually makes my heart hurt and my insides feel as if they're twisting inside-out. I blink several times as I feel the prick of tears behind my eyes.
"Girls are back. Lighten up. They found tomato sauce," Brad says to me, before he nudges my shoulder playfully. "Come on, what could be better than this? The sun is shining, it's our day off, and we're surrounded by friends. This is the life, Maccas. Live it. Enjoy it."
I nod and try to smile as I watch Vanessa and Jazz stroll through the park towards us. At the same time, Ryan and Matt finish up at the barbecue and make their way back to the table. Jazz and Vanessa take a seat opposite Brad and me, and Matt joins them, leaving me shuffling over a little so that Ryan can sit down next to me.
As he sits down his knee touches mine and I jump as if I've been electrocuted. The man has just been inside me for Pete's sake, but it feels as if I've just been zapped. My body is humming – my libido kick-started. I feel my nipples pebble and the too familiar ache ignite low in my belly. My whole body feels as if it's flushing. I suddenly wish I had a fan. My cheeks are hot enough to melt ice-blocks.
I pile my plate with food and when my arm brushes along Ryan's, I try and fail not to remember how strong his arms had been as he held me up and thrust into me. I can't eat from excitement. With Ryan sitting next to me, my body is too busy reliving every moment of our one time to think about food.
"Hey, are you okay?" Ryan asks me softly, as I push my coleslaw around on my plate.
Does he care? Of course, I tell myself. Just because he doesn't feel the same way that I do, doesn't mean we aren't friends. At least his question wasn’t, 'hey, are you falling for me?'
"I'm fine," I tell him.
What did Brad say? This is the life. Live it. Enjoy it. That's what I want to do, more than anything. But all I can think about right now is the fact that in less than a week I will be kissing the man next to me on set. I don't know how I am going to get through that scene. He might have decided to back off, but it doesn't change the fact that I am falling for him. And I can't stop myself from responding to him.
With the story that has broken about me today, I have no idea if our executive producer will be gunning for me or not, but the timing is bad. Anyone who is looking for something between Ryan and me will be able to see it. I won't be able to hide how he affects me in front of the cameras. Even if I manage to pull it off this time, it won't be the only scene of this nature that we'll have together this season.
I listen as Matt cracks a joke. Everyone laughs, and I force myself to join in. These are my friends. Hart's Valley is my job. This is my life. Now I just have to get past the dreaded sinking feeling in my gut that I am about to lose it all. This is the life. Live it. Enjoy it.